My Belonging

Everyone has their breaking points.

My breathing is uneven as I clench the railing of my parent's porch, my knuckles turning white as I struggle to hold on to my sanity. The sky is trickled with billions of dimly lit stars. I want to scream! I crack my neck, something I only do when I feel stressed. I let out a sharp groan and stuff my hand in my pocket, pulling out a small zip-lock bag of weed and a zigzag. I'm sorry Renée, Cosmo. There's only so much I can take. I sit down on the porch swing and  back and forth, filling the air with musky smoke. And finally, after about 15 minutes, my heartbeat slows and my hands stop shaking. I feel my stomach untighten. The painful pressures of my family slip away and yet--…Cosmo stumbles out of the house and throws her back against the door.

"Did they ask too many questions?" I ask blandly, knowingly. Of course they did, they’re Fillians. She comes over and sits down next to me with a frustrated expression.

"They’re either very passive aggressive or very blunt.” she huffs.

"Yep."

I wish I could tell her that they're not as bad as they seem, but I'd be lying to myself "I was doing so well too..." I sigh out, blowing the smoke out through my nose. We sit quietly for a few moments. I break the impregnating silence with my sudden epiphany. "He wanted me to break. Wanted  me to crack under the pressure,” I mumble, I clench my hands and fists.

"I don’t think they know what you’ve"“

"And yet they think they‘re allowed to judge!” I cut her off. That’s all they do. Judge, judge, judge! Are they so bored with their lives that they prod on my faults to entertain themselves?

"Then why did you come back?” she asks bluntly.

 I give a quick shrug and huff out.  Why do I do this to myself?

"I want a good memory- I'm still waiting on a moment where we're all happy. Where we forget whatever troubles are screwing us over, where they forget how much of a disgrace I am." I purse my lips in an attempt to keep from crying.

"Where I forget how badly I need a dose of cocaine in my veins!" and that's it.

I bury my face in my hands and cry. Crying for the lack of acceptance; crying for the unconditional love that never came; crying for the word "Dysfunctional" as it describes my family. It describes me, and Cosmo, and Renée. My life is Dysfunctional.

I feel a pair of small arms around my arm, I freeze. This is the first time that Cosmo has ever hugged me.  I compose myself and embrace the moment.

"Family doesn't have to be by blood." she murmurs in my ear. I sigh, closing my eyes.

"We're family... Aren't we…?" her voice cracks. I awkwardly coil my arms around her and hold her close. Neither of us are good with showing affection.

“Of course, kiddo." I assure her. And for the first time, I understand where I belong.  

Author's Note

Caesar and Cosmo go up north to visit Caesar's family, which Cosmo finds out that they're a racist, elitists, condescending group. Caesar soon gets overwhelmed with the questions from his family about his relapse; recovery, who Cosmo was, why she was there, if she was his pity case, was he and Renée still dating, etc, he flees his family and goes outside and breaks his sober-streak and smokes pot, Cosmo is now bombarded with similar questions and soon escapes to where Caesar is, she joins him on the porch swing and they talk for a while, about how his family need entertaining so they swing for a meltdown by the weakest, most screwed up family member. They ditch the party and drive through snow and on their way home they found their signature restaurant- Waffle House.

Reviews

[Christopher Zayn]

Deep, emotional and somewhat heartwarming story of family matters. I don't know if this was intended, but you manage to include certain readers (myself) into your story with instant understanding. Maybe just coincidence.