Thinking The Pointless Thoughts

The story of me, trying to deal with my thoughts and feelings.

As I gaze out into space, I think about how pointless thoughts are in the situation that I'm in. Thinking turns into a way of escapism, even though it started out as a means to deal with the problems I have and have had. Thinking of problems, we're told that we can get help, but in the end the change has to come from inside of us. But what to do when all the unnecessary thought have ben thought out and you find yourself in the middle of a loop that you know that you will never escape from? Questions does not require answers, and answers does not require questions. All is futile if you think it is. So when I've gotten to this stage of trying to riddle myself away into the endless cosmos, somewhere I start to wonder. "Maybe doing something back on earth could change something. I tried a thousand times already, but just maybe can I take a step forward if I try again." But then I fail, and return back to my escapism. Life does not feel like it is worth ending. Because here and now or somewhere else entirely does not matter. It is me that is... Not the outside. And since the outside can be said to be reflected by how I feel on the inside then I am not even that anymore. It does not matter who I am, or why I am. I am here and now. There is no such thing as belonging. You are in this life so that is where you are. I know my possibilities but do I even care? I could get up and do something. But once I do I just go back to thinking how pointless it all has been. Even though I am free of both purpose and cause I am stuck in this limbo because of a lack of will. I meet new people, I meet new people that I think is nice. I get a job that I can live with, have a cat, have a surplus of money of which I donate part of it. The rest I could do whatever with. But no matter how good my situation, no matter how far I manage to get, when depression strikes it does not care. And neither do I. So I go back to my escapism, imagining cosmos, space, relationships, death, life, purpose and every other meaningless thing that I can think of. Wondering when it all will end.