Thrill Seeker

A Story by Rose

It was around 11:45pm I was cruising around on my longboard feeling as if someone was following me. The hair on my arms stood straight up, my heart started racing I slowed down to check and see if my imagination was playing tricks on me. No one there. Heart still racing I turn and stop at a field. The wind whistling, forest looking like a huge wall of blackness. I lie down on the grass and stare up at the stars. Big dipper, little dipper, just wishing I knew what else is out there. Maybe a better life a place where all our questions in life can be answered. Why are we here? Why do bad things happen? And most importantly why do I feel like someone is always following me when I am alone in the dark?

Having my heart race when I’m frightened makes me feel alive. Seeking mystery where ever I go. Why be so scared you run? Why not explore what’s out there. The worse that can happen is death.

Lying on the field suddenly my phone rings I answer "Hello?"

My mom franticly responds with "Where the heck are you! It is past midnight! Your father is getting upset."

I say "I’m sorry I’ll be home as soon as possible"

I hang up and grab my board and zip down the road. As I walk in the door I am being screamed at for not telling her where I was and I need to "get my head out of the gutter" and stop exploring. She doesn’t understand. I storm out of the room my eyes burning from my tears. I sit on my bed seeing everything blurred in sight tasting salty tears run down my face. The next morning was silent, she wouldn’t speak. What’s the big problem I don’t get it? I’m safe I’m not hurt I was just trying to get some space. I eat some toast and hop in the shower. When I got out my dad was in the kitchen saying curse words under his breath my mom left a note saying "Went out be back later". I do some chores and homework she’s still not back it’s been 4 hours. Now I’m worried so I call her cell. No answer. I ask my dad if he knows where she went.

He said "Nope she didn’t tell me"

I say "Why did you seem so mad in the kitch-- "

He quickly interrupted with "I wasn’t now go to your room or go find friends"

I grab my longboard and go out looking. She wasn’t at her friend’s house or her sisters. I decide to go to my friend Tasha’s to see if she wanted to hangout so I could get her off my mind. Tasha has been my best friend for 9 years now. I wouldn’t know what I would do without her. She has gorgeous golden blonde hair, and the cleverest mind, she never gives up on me and is always there to help. We down to subway to have lunch and talk. I told her about my mom yelling at me and overhearing my dad in the kitchen.

She replied with "Don’t worry we all make mistakes maybe your parents had an argument about something parents fight all the time just leave it be."

I was somewhat annoyed with her response because I thought she would care more. We headed back to her house and watch a movie. I head home in hope my mom would be home. The first thing I see is the car smashed. I run inside as fast as I can. I find my mom passed out on the floor. My dad freaking out cause she went out drinking. I can see him filling up with anger. He took it out on me. He thought it was my fault. I couldn’t take it. I ran back to the field. It’s the only place I can think. What’s the point? Why am I here? Why is my life such a mess? The anger coming from you does not need to be taken out on me. I seek thrill to be scared but not be scared of my own parent. What kind of screwed up person can abuse the ones he once loved. Seeing the bruises covering their body’s blood curdling screams. I was once taught when I was young that if a boy ever mistreats you they like you. Believing that my whole childhood just hoping that is how my dad expresses his love for me. Thinking the bruises on my mother were just love hits. It’s all a lie whether it’s an accident, joke, or for real. It’s not the way to treat anyone. I feel as if I am in hell. I’m slowly dying inside. My mom went out drinking to decrease the pain. All these years why didn’t she just leave him we would have been fine without him.

As I walk start to walk home I see my dad’s car. He sped up and stopped right in front of me. I could see how furious he was just by staring into his eyes. He got out of the car telling me it was my fault. I was trembling with fear. Somewhat feeling like this was the end. He started crying and telling me he was sorry but it had to be done. I didn’t understand I tried to make sense of his insanity.

I looked him straight in the eyes and told him "I hate you, look at my face my arms, legs, chest, stomach. I’m black and blue all over. What is your problem? What did I do?"

He answered with "I never knew that just my bare knuckles alone could bring so much blood and ugliness. As I stare at you and your mother on the ground your faces swelling and hearing you guys say you’re sorry gives me such a thrill. I feel as if I am in power. You being born screwed my life up. Either I stay and pay for the things you need or I leave and pay child support. I didn’t want you in the first place you are a useless waste of skin."

I’m sitting here taking this crap from a guy who doesn’t even care about me. I reach into my purse as slow and I can tears running down my face and pull out a knife he catches me and whips it out of my hand and threatens to kill me.

He said "Were you really going to try this? Nice try you failed almost as bad as your mother."
My dad reached in his pocket and popped some pills. Came closer to me and kneed me in the stomach. I was down on my knees and my dad whispered hope you said bye to mom. He got in his car and drove away. I got up in pain running as fast as my legs could go the door was locked. I panicked and look for an open window. I climb through the tiniest window and find my mom on the kitchen floor. No pulse. I immediately burst into tears and call 911.

Screaming into the phone I say "My dad killed my mom" and hung up. I didn’t know what to say I didn’t want to explain. I think about what life is going to be like without my mom here. No one to be my best friend or call me when I’m out late and she’s worried. She was my role model and the strongest women I have ever met. I lie on the floor with her just hoping her heart would beat just one more time. I just want to tell her I loved her.

Life’s not worth living without her. I can’t do this. It’s all my fault. What if my dad comes back for me? I can’t live a life of being abused anymore. The only way I can forgive myself is if I’m dead with her. I kiss my mom on the cheek and say I’m sorry. I go down into the garage and find a rope. I slowly tie to a tree wiping the tears from my face. I think for a minute. Was about to decide maybe it wasn’t such a good choice and that he can be stopped and put in jail, but it was too late. Hoping there’s a better life somewhere out there to answer all my questions.