Fear

A Story by CreatureKane

My fears

This one for me is a lot. I mean nothing physical actually scares me, but i had an absolute fear off being a failure, a disappointment, nothing, a waste of space that never accomplished anything. I was so afraid of all those things that i never even tried to achieve anything because i would get kicked down and i would just give up. No matter what i did if i wavered or faltered i just threw it away. I was such a coward and i use to say nothing scared me. HA what a joke. If i let my fears control me than i will never get anywhere in my life. I have suffered,, I have lost, I have been beaten down and thrown away like nothing. So i told myself that i would never feel like that again. So i quit everything that i started. I would just get high all day and miss out on everything. Working dead end jobs and mindless wandering through each day most of the time not even remembering what happened the day before. I kept telling myself that it is better that way. That if I'm high nothing matters anyway. I can fail and not give a s**t. For years and years that is what i did and to me today that is so insane. Literally. I would expect things to change or get better by me doing all the same dumb s**t every day. It is almost comical. I never thought i could achieve anything. So i made myself think that i didn't want to achieve anything. Life is okay to be boring and mundane and if it is there is no point in remembering what happened. I have destroyed peoples lives, I have taken people for granted, I have stolen, cheated, beaten, and outright destroyed everything i came into contact with. Today i think about it and that to me is crazy, I was treating people worse than i treated myself and i was nothing. Going back to that is probably my worst fear in the entire world. I never want to feel like that or make people feel like that ever again. I write all this stuff and i want to be better and be great but sometimes I fear that they are just empty words and one day i will say "f**k it" again and slide right back into this pit that is always behind me. It is always waiting for me to just slip once so it can pull me right back into the bottomless abyss.

© 2017 CreatureKane

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Reviews

Unspoken poet

simply wonderful, lots of emotions going through this.

Posted 6 Years Ago

skeletongirl

i share many of these fears. I wish I was capable of wanting to stop getting high, but i cant. i just got out of the hospital and immediately started again. a week ago i was expelled from my school for getting high in the bathroom.. its the only thing in my life i feel as if i can control.