Silence Is Not Quiet

*Warning* Discusses sensitive topics. (Depression, anxiety, etc.) Any creative suggestions or comments is perfectly fine. (: Some aspects may pertain to my personal life.

I have had the same feeling for as long as I can remember. I wanted to go home. To carry heavy footsteps up my stairs, and slam the door shut. To fall into my bed, and let out everything that had been kept in all day. Every single feeling, I refused to express to anyone else. I was always both relieved and desperate. Relieved to be away from everyone else, but desperate for someone to want to speak with me. About anything at all. Nothing felt wrong to me, but then again nothing felt right either; and I’m tired. Tired of everything, but then again nothing. Everything was always in a constant loop that wound back around to the beginning. It hurt me more when I realized that nobody would be there, because I locked myself away and for that I have paid. I was strong only for myself now, because I let everyone believe they could not fix me.
      Though I was sick of waiting, and I was sick of being strong for myself just for nobody to notice how I was trying not to drown. I would be swimming against a current that was fighting me, and people would simply tell me, “Get out of the water.” Except they wouldn’t extend their hand. They would leave me, and I would go underneath the current several times. When the day would end, I would lay on the bank coughing and choking. I wanted everything to be so easy, and I wanted the irritation, and want for everything to be quiet to finally go away. I wanted sound, because silence was not a gift, and it was not a relief. It left time to be by myself inside my own head, and that itself was not a mercy.
      Silence was suffocating. I have sat fetal position in the corner of my room, and I was scared. The silence seemed as if it was creeping closer through the dark ready to take hold. Often, I had headphones blasting music as loudly as it could be. Yet, in all honesty, it was drowned out by the pounding of my heart. I had rewound songs so many times to try and appreciate them, but I couldn’t focus. The panic would set in and I felt myself scratching at my throat willing and begging myself to be able to breathe. I felt like suffocating, but I at least thought that I could finally focus on my favorite song. I’ve had it on repeat for several hours, and it had always been calming. Not now. The silence erupted all at once and drowned me in feelings I couldn’t express. All the things I have been feeling today, finally hitting me all at once to the point that the tears didn’t stop. No matter how drenched my shirt was.
      I have paused at least a million times at my friend’s backs and thought of tapping their shoulders, and to blurt out the millions of feelings that I had trouble expressing. I did not know how I felt, and that made me sad that I could not envision myself ever being happy again. I did not know what was going on anymore. I simply heard everything spoken a completely different way. So everyone thinks I do not listen. There was nothing to look forward to, and I could not feel excitement with everyone else. I miss it too. More than you could ever know. Tonight, I realized that silence was a monster, waiting to crawl towards the prison I have made for myself and drag me under my bed. I get terrified thinking of the possibilities.
      When I finally will myself to be strong, I get lost. When my tears finally will themselves to drown me, I stare into space my heart aching, tears streaming down my face, and I try as hard as I can to keep the sounds to a minimum. I have had thoughts that are very unlike me. I have had all the silence in the world in such a limited time to assess my situation and realize that everything was not going as well as had been promised to me.
      So I am telling you now, that everything is not fine. I feel as if I have not been fine in a long time. I’ve tried, and I promise that I have. I have made no effort to get better, though I promise myself that I have tried, and though I convince myself for a little while, it never stays. I want everyone to know that silence is something you should never seek, and it is a monster that I wish I never would have let in. You cannot say goodbye to it, and I promise you it will stay until it decides to leave on its own. It will slam the door on its way out and the time you've spent with it will be irreplaceable.