dying sleep

wait... please dont.

shhhhhhh shh shh shh...

hold on there baby
laying in my arms
as cute as the sky's dried blood-lit surface
the silent resentment of the moon
caressing your face
its going to be okay
they will be here soon
the servents and their servitude

shh shh shh...

dont talk
kiss those fading lips
heartbeat stiff and obscure
the result of living war as a state
of your mind, from mine
living life from behind the seat
instead of being the conductor
the grass is a wet maroon
baby, talking now would be considered rude

shh shh...

say good bye to this world
i wont leave you though
everything will be fine
we could both leave in line
sharing what waters the grass
eventhough;
what waters isn't what would be water
i would scribble my name on all of this
this crippled style of fate
and; and...

shh.

wait.
this.
this is.
this... hurts.
and... and... and.
i... am sorry.
this.
you there, and...
how could i?
not anymore.
my baby, i lay with you in the grass.
being stared at by the evesdroppers in the encrusted sky.
this night my love.

not just yet, look at me
please...
please...
those crystals
may i?
embrace my hand
breath in
we may leave now.
exhale.

Reviews

[Dusty]

Well, this poem is both vague and engeniously detailed. The word choice is luxuripus and very pleasing- both to read and speak. However, there was a slight roughness in the word flow. There is not really a set rythem to this poem, and while that is fine in some, those tend to be short and painstakingly blunt. This one specializeness in vagueness and leaving some or most of the scenario to the reader's imagination, simply playing with their minds by teasing their emotions into a certain direction. I don't know if the uncertain rythem takes away from the poem or adds to it though, so I'd suggest not changing a thing if you love it this way. The word repitition is perfectly placed and the image is secure, very well written. I look forward to reading more of your work! =)

[bluessadmood]

This is so lovely dear ,I really praise your talent ,how you play on the words
My favorite player on words ,poets so great,play on the words..its a great talent
Hold on you are in my arms,so cute ,moonlight caress your face,what a hue
Dont talk ,i kiss those fading lips..say goodbye to the world..i wont leave you
we leave in line..I scribble my name on all this crippled style of fate,hush now
I lay you on grass ,they watch us,not just yet ,look at me love,as we sail away from here..together
this is a lovely much talented write...

[..R.I.P..]

This is sad, but in a bittersweet kind of way. It was really good and I don't see anyting that truely needs to be changed. I loved the way you misspelled words to combine them, I do that in my more private writings, just brilliant. I love your style and the emotion and detail you put behind your words. You don't need any pointers on this piece, it's really good.
~Catalina

[MeowMeowMiek]

i have a weird thing that i misspell things just as an attempt to combine words. servant and vent, as in - someone who is usually around the majority of the time helping and serving on told duties (servant), and people that you could really release yourself upon (vent[ing]). A combo of both.

[Bree]

Aww, if I read that correctly, I'd say that was very sad. But sort of in a bitter-sweet sort of way. Very well written. Only thing I would suggest is work on spelling a couple of words, like "servents" should be "servants". Other than that, I really like what you have here. Quite unique. =)