I Watch You As He Loves You

I'm trying to emulate situations that don't directly relate to me as my early writing, this is another people watching piece :)

He watches you as I love you

And even though your glance stays firm

Awareness twitches in your face

 

I kiss you when I leave you

I touch the soft skin and raptures of warmth

Flow through my body

 

If I turn, I’ll never go home

But the door slam and the security chain

Pushes my body in one direction

 

A rage grows when I listen

To the phone calls you have to make

But your honesty doesn’t move me

 

I know you’re a born deceiver

And a thief of entangled moments

You keep them in the draw, by the window

 

I could break out but I’d stumble

Into the flowerbed of trickery

And once again, end up with mud on my face

 

So I watch you as he loves you

And I see your eyes flicker sideways

Although narrow and direct, they burn with emptiness

 

Reviews

[The Lady Anasteja]

there are times when one is just not strong enough to pull away. I don't think this piece is sad in the sense of "boo hoo hoo, my doggie died" however sad in the sense that one would sit while the flame fades, and hold on to convenience. we should never settle for contentment. that said - you painted a clear picture.

[Travis Lawrence]

"He watches you as I love you
And even though your glance stays firm
Awareness twitches in your face"

"So I watch you as he loves you
And I see your eyes flicker sideways
Although narrow and direct, they burn with emptiness"

This is fantastic, the way you took this first stanza and through the story of the poem switched the situation. People-watching is awesome. Earlier today I was thinking about bringing a notebook and sitting on a park bench for a while, and just writing what comes to mind. You've gone a step further, and created a story, and phrased it so well. Seriously, I really enjoyed reading this. You've brought forth so much emotion from just one glance, so well done!

-Travis

[Damian Alan Gray]

Nice work, Dan. The piece does a great job at pleading a case for sympathy for the devil.

[James K. Blaylock]

I really dug this lonesome feeling piece. Great work, man.

jkb

[Wildfleour]

Wow - that feeling of your love not being fully present in the moment with you is so perfectly captured by your words...bravo!