MOO COWS

A late afternoon drive gone HORRIBLY wrong.

It was a brisk summer’s day when Mr. Parkines jumped into his car for a quiet drive.  His town car roaring to life, as he yelled promises to his wife about being back in time for dinner, he pulled out of the drive way and onto the road.  He just couldn't help himself though, he had to enjoy this sunny afternoon in the country.  After all he hadn't been out to the country side in many, many, MANY months.

 

The big account with Hammer & Weesal had been taking up all of his time for these last couple years, and with the final file closed today it spelled a new day in his career, that aside, he really needed to get some fresh air away from the city.

 

His wondering didn't really get him that far though, he saw many old places where him and his wife used to go when they went on drives together, though the names of most of the roads alluded him, he could still tell where he was, and on a day like today he really just wanted to get lost.  To see different sights then he had seen before.

 

After driving for a hour, Mr. Parkines was almost ready to give up on seeing different trees and roads, when suddenly he spotted a road that was almost covered by overgrowth, though seemed to be in good care by the look of the pavement.  It took Mr. Parkines all of two seconds to swerve his car off the road he had trodden so many times before and onto this new stretch of road. 

 

With new found excitement he drove passed many a beautiful groves and over the small concrete bridges that littered this beautiful country side, until at last he came to a section that stretched along a huge cattle farm. 

 

"I have to bring Marian next time,” he thought as he drove down the road.

 

No sooner had he thought this though then he was forced to push down upon the breaks to slow his speed.  Looking up the road he noticed that part of the old wooden fence had been smashed down and had fallen out into the road.  Slowing to a stop, Mr. Parkins decided, feeling the country in his being, to do the neighborly thing had fix this old fence for the farmer.  So picking up the two lumps of wood and dragging them up the slight embankment he began to place them into the slots, when suddenly he heard a bell behind him. 

 

Turning around, Mr. Parkines let out a slight chuckle as two cow cam sauntering up the hill.

 

"Well, decided to come home did you?"

 

Mr. Parkines again chuckled as he pulled the one board out of the way so that they could return to the pasture, when suddenly the smaller of the two cows stopped and looked at him.

 

It stood there and stared at him for only a moment when Mr. Parkines finally gave it a pat on the rump saying, "Well go on. Get moving."

 

When much to Mr. Parkines surprise and alarm, the other cow spoke saying, "Come on, the Destroying Cow shall deal with him."

 

Mr. Parkines surprise and fear could not have been measured by human standards at that very moment as he stumbled backwards and rolled down the hill, his back thudding against the car.  Leaping to his feet he fled to the drivers side, and giving one more glance up the hill, to see the two cows placing the boards in the fence, raced his car away at phenomenally high speeds.

 

Continuing to keep his foot to the floor, as it where, he began to wonder what had happened back there.  Something like a talking cow doesn't happen...Does it? 

 

"No," he thought to himself, as he slowed the car down, "Let's think about this logically.  Obviously you've been working very hard, Billy, and this is just your brain finally relaxing. Yes that's it, just a little delusion, probably getting hungry," his stomach growling, as if on queue.

 

Calming down he looked up at the sky to see rain clouds moving in, and thought to him self, again, how silly it was for him to panic.  Wondering if the farmer had seen him dash off like that, and what he must have though. 

 

"He probably thinks I'm some fool, city-iot."

 

He wasn't however, in fact, Mr. Parkines, Bill, had grown up in a tiny West Virginian town, and he remembered calling city folk "city-iots," a combination of city and idiot, with his friends all the time.  Mainly because of the stupid things they do, like what Bill had just done.

 

Bill had no sooner finished remembering the "good old days," when he suddenly came upon a cow standing in the middle of the road.  Feeling a little squeamish still he came to a stop and honked his horn hoping to get the cow moving without having to get out.

 

As Bill expected the cow began to saunter off the road without any troubles until it got to the passenger window where it peered in, and in a dark, and foreboding voice it said, "Yes the Destroying Cow is just ahead, and he'll take care of you."

 

Fear grasped at Bill Parkines once again and not even looking forward, but still locking gaze with the cow, his foot found the gas and off his car flew leaving behind the horrible bovine.  

 

Again his mind began to race, because see it once, hallucination, see it twice, problem.  Thinking to himself, he tried to logically figure it out, tried to calm himself, even tried to slow down, but failed on all accounts.  His mind was stuck on, "Cows can't talk," and "Oh God, one of them is going to destroy me!"

 

So deep in thought was Mr. Parkines that when he noticed something huge standing on the road he barley had enough time to slam on the breaks, peeling his tires to a halt, mere inches from a monstrously huge dairy cow.

 

The rain had already started, and Mr. Parkines had not turned on either his headlights or his windshield wipers, but he quickly did so as to make out the details of this cow. 

 

There it stood nearly twice as tall as the car, covering both sides of the road, every drop of rain that fell upon it sizzled and popped, as if the cow was on fire.  Its utters where black and disfigured, its skin blistered as if from the sun, and its steps, as it approached the driver side door, thundered louder then the storm.

 

Lowering its huge head down, Bill could see its teeth where all sharpened into points and in its eyes where filled with images of the wailing damned of hell, suffering in an inferno.  The smell of sulfur rose from the smoke, which poured from its mouth, and lifting one hoof up it motioned for bill to roll down the window.

 

Bill mauled by fear could not stop himself, as he rolled down the window, and felt cold rain hit his face and warm water run down his leg.  His heart thumping so wildly that he thought surely this was the end, as this wide eyed, grinning; hell born bovine spawn of the devil looked at him directly and said..."Moo?"

 

Bill flung the gear in reverse, slammed on the gas, got about a hundred feet away, and pulled the e-break so that his car ripped a hundred and eighty degree turn, threw the car into drive and slammed on the throttle.  Speeding so fast he left that horrid cow behind in seconds, he flew past the second cow who now stood on its hind legs, along the side of the road, in overalls and holding a pitch fork, zoomed past the first two cows who gave a ginger wave as they concentrated on the game of chess they where at, and nearly jumped the little concrete bridge he came across.  Never slowing or stopping, or even allowing the one cop who attempt to pull him over, but couldn't keep up, bar his way, he fish tailed into his driveway pulled into his garage and has never returned to that place, nor eaten beef again.

 

You think that's weird though, you should hear about the time he went to the chicken farm.

 

Reviews

[Holly Marsh]

Awesome. The "chicken farm" at the very end cinches it all together very nicely.

Love the part about not knowing the names of the country roads but knowing exactly where you are. Only the "hicks" who have lived in the country know that feeling. And then scramble to give someone directions to their house.

[Steven Silvey]

Hey, I get to review this on it's one-year anniversary.
And who better to have reviewed before me, but the incomparable, L.L. Jacobson.
This is beautifully imaginative and very well written.
Brilliant piece of satire.

[L. L. Jacobson]

You know something, I was thinking about this story
after I gave the first review, and the images stayed with me, even when I wasn't near the computer to look at the owrds again. I certainly think you deserve better than what rating I initially delivered. I owe you.
Here's to your brilliance in unique, original imagery."I love it!

[L. L. Jacobson]

...oh, that's 'satire'.

[L. L. Jacobson]

I would have liked to be in your head when you conjured the image of a cow in overalls, holding a pitchfork, and two other cows that played a game of chess. Great imagery. The only soultion is the one you already mentioned, revision. Other than that, I like the sattire. It's refreshing to come across a story of this kind.