Now that I've Found You

The First Day of Freedom

I stand outside, tasting free air for the first time in almost a decade.  I had quit smoking about five years ago.  But until this moment, I never really felt free of their influence.  Probably not even now was I truly free.  But it felt that way.  Even during the really good moments, the moments where I felt as if everything was possible, there was a part of me that didn’t feel free.  It didn’t help that two years after I quite smoking I gave up drinking.  Been clean as well since then.  When people find out, they admire my willpower, but it really wasn’t that.  It wasn’t my willpower on which everything relied, but the willpower that I borrowed from another.  The same willpower that locked me in a closet and left me in the dark until the chills were over.  The one who did my shopping for me for over a year, because I couldn’t be trusted not to slip.  And I paid homage to this person.  For if it wasn’t for them, I would never be free.  I don’t have the sort of willpower to ever ease my own chains off.

But this breath; this breath was pure and true; this breath was my salvation.  And I am happy.  For the first time, I am seeing a future.  Not just an endless slog of repetitions of today repeated to ad infinitium, that only end when I do.  But an actual dynamic future where within it I could reach out and have an impact.  Though in the past, my feet marched on whether or not I wanted them to, today, oh glorious today, they march to the beat that I create, and in the path that I desire.  No longer am I the passive object being acted upon by forces outside my control, I now act and can force the universe to my will.  And I owe it all to that one.  For without their willingness, I would still be comfortably numb.

Snow starts to drift gently down, and I laugh at it.  A laugh of pure joy and childish happiness.  Snow is rare enough in my life anyways.  But the fact that it happened today feels just and right.  No matter whatever snow meant to other people, from today on forward, it would always mean freedom to me.  Pure unadultered freedom.  So what do I decide to do with my freedom?   I don’t know yet.  I always wanted to do an innumerable number of things.  But first thing I should do is probably thank them.  How?  I’m not sure what they want.  They’re the one who was a true and absolute friend.  They’re the one who looked after me.  They were my salvation.  And they didn’t want anything out of it.  It confuses me.  Why would they not want anything out of it?

I have an idea though.  How about calling them?  I can do that.  I’m saving money now, instead of blowing every last cent of it on my addictions.  I should ask them what they want.  They did save me.  I reach into my jacket pocket, only to realize that I didn’t have my phone on me.  Probably in the past, this would have angered me a little, but now I laugh again.  I just couldn’t bring myself to get angry at this stage.  I am enjoying myself too much at this point.  Life just looks endless.  And I am utmostly happy.

I guess that’s the moral I want to take out of this moment.  This breath.  Even though when I began this internal monologue, I was going to beam about this one person.  But I’ve lost the tension to do so.  There is no conflict to this story, just a moral.  Along with some heavy handed metaphors, but that’s a different story.  So I just want to express my happiness to the world, my utmost contentment.  And challenge the world.  Find out what makes you happy.  And achieve it.  The consequences be damned.  For if everyone in the world is happy, then the story went in the right direction, no?

Author's Note

Does this story seem listless and rambling?

Reviews

[Marie]

The story rambles soomewhat but is not listless. It ends with a point. And the last line, summing it up, seems to make the rest of the story worth while.

[dklp88]

Thank you for your review.