In the Clouds

The reproduction of my previous story: Reaching for the stars. The idea came from the story:Jack and the beanstalk.

Stella was a giant. Or I guess you could call her a petite giant. She was a giant, but wasn't big, she looked more like a human. Stella never saw a human. How could she, she did live in the clouds after all. The life she lived was quiet and simple. No problems, no mishaps, nothing new. Sometimes, she would just go and sit on the edge a cloud, listening to what the humans talked about, the moon would creep out of its nest, and then Stella would get off the cloud and go to bed.

On another boring, simple day, Stella decided to sit on the edge of the cliff and listen to what the humans talked about.  She sat on that cloud the whole day.

It was nightfall by the time Stella decided to go to bed. She was just standing up, when she heard a rustling noise. Out of nowhere a green, viney monster showed up. By each second the monster revealed more of its body. The bigger it got, the more frightened she became. Then a vine grabbed her left hand. Stella struggled to free her hand from its kidnapper. Freeing herself, she ran as fast as her feet could carry, to the house.

That night, Stella couldn't sleep. She just laid in her bed, touching the red bracelet that the kidnapper left on her left hand. 

In the morning, Stella got out of bed, cleaned herself up, and went to the barn, where the chickens laid their golden eggs. Reaching the barn, she heard the chickens clucking louder than ever before. Opening the barn door, Stella saw a boy, who was about her age. The boy was putting 3 golden eggs in his stomach-hugging pouch. What on earth, is that boy doing with those golden eggs?? Is he trying to steal?? Walking up to him she asked,

“What is your name?”

“Jack,” whispered the boy and turned around slowly.

“I am Stella,” She answered.

“Are you from, down there?” Stella asked pointing down to the ground. Asking herself if maybe, he climbed up that plant, that scared her to death last night.

Nodding, Jack asked,“What is that red mark?”

“A vine grabbed my hand. Why are you stealing from my family?”

“My Mother is sick, and I have to provide for her now.”

Understanding him , Stella let him take the 3 golden eggs. Before letting him ascend the plant, (that turned out to be a giant beanstalk), she warned him, “Now climb down carefully. Don't make a single sound or my father might hear you from the fields where he is working right now and start climbing down after you. After you reach your land, don't ever climb back up again, instead grab an ax and chop the beanstalk down.”

Bobbing his head up and down, Jack began ascending. He tripped and began falling down, screaming all along. The giant heard the scream and began climbing down after the boy.

When reaching the ground Jack raced to the shed and grabbed an ax. He ran back to the beanstalk and began chopping it down. When the giant had 5 more meters to climb down, the beanstalk crashed on the ground. Killing Stella's father.

Since that day Stella didn't see her father or Jack. Sometimes she would sit on the edge of the cloud and think that she saw Jack, but then right away she would throw away that thought from her head. Then she would wonder what her father was doing down there, not knowing in reality that he was killed.

Author's Note

A reproduction

Reviews

[Yurie Lee]

Hilo~ I am here to make your story better~ So here are my critics and comments and such~

Stella struggled to free her hand from it’s kidnapper.
- use "its" instead of "it's"

Finally the kidnapper let her arm go, scrambling she fled to her house.
- I know what you're getting at, but you should rephrase this
sentence, it sounds a bit odd.

Towards the end it says that Jack killed Stella's father and apparently she does not know that, as we find out in the end. And it is a good idea, but the way it is written is a little anticlimactic. Maybe save the "she doesn't know her dad was killed" phrase for the very last sentence to really get them~

When Jack is climbing down and falls, you should make it more sudden. It sounds a bit choppy when you transition from him going down to him suddenly tripping and falling onto the ground. Give more details, and more visual-arousing descriptions during that scene~

Out of nowhere a giant beanstalk crept out. It crept out higher and higher by each second.
-I know where you're getting at, but "crept out" doesn't
sound right to me. And you put in that one phrase in parenthesis that it turned out to be a beanstalk, so if you want Stella to not know it was a beanstalk until the very end, maybe rephrase this with "Creeping up the cottony terrain was a vine, and it crept higher by the second!" or something like that.

That night, Stella didn't close her eyes.
-maybe use simply "That night, Stella couldn't sleep." It flows more~

Opening the barn door, Stella saw a boy, who was about her age, putting 3 golden eggs in his purse that hugged his stomach.
-I would rephrase this sentence maybe like "Opening the barn door, Stella spots a boy about her age. He appeared to be filling his stomach-hugging purse with three golden eggs. How dare this boy be stealing!" Or something like that. I don't know what your intended tone of voice is, but it's just a suggestion~

Reaching the barn, she heard the chickens cackling louder than ever before
-use "clucking" instead of "cackling". When I think of cackling I think of a witch's laugh. I just think clucking would better suit the noise description for the chickens~

Overall just add more descriptive words (via Thesaurus or whatever synonym resource you want~) and make your sentences more flowing. Every couple months you should read it out loud to yourself so you can see and hear your own mistakes. (I do this, and it helps a lot, and I still have mistakes even after I did so many times, haha~)

Yes, I am one of those writers who stick to the "show don't tell" rule, but it does add so much more character in an already fantastic story~!

With all these criticisms, I always save the "keep writing inspiration" thing for last~ Because after all this criticism, it's good to be reminded how wonderful of a writer you truly are~

I love the idea of the Jack and the Beanstalk retelling. It's so cool, and a fun read~! And the idea of a giant living on clouds is soooo interesting~! I so picture this amazing skyworld-like place (seriously you say anything about skies my imagination goes crazy~! And my pinterest is just--!) And I like how it's short, too, because many possibilities can run through readers' minds. Like a possible romance between Jack and Stella? What Stella's relationship with her father looked like beforehand? What she was doing after the ending, and what could happen? You get me, right?

Anyway, love the short story~! Thank you for writing it~!

[justdandy]

Thank You!

[Bear]

(live in the clouds afterall) after all is two words
(Stella would get of the cloud) would get off
(She just layed in her bed)
(Understand him, Stella let him take) Understanding him

Interesting to see this story from a different perspective, nice idea and a concept that could be applied to many classic stories. Did the wolf in Red Riding Hood have a wife and kids? Could Goldilocks have robbed the three bears of more than just a meal and a bed? You could write a whole book of the other side of the story stories. Great job I love the idea. Standing Ovation! Clap! Clap!

[justdandy]

Thank u. I will make sure to correct the mistakes

[justdandy]

I made the changes that you asked me to make. Thank you for noticing them. And then contacting.