An Untold Story From Way Back When

An Untold Story From Way Back When

A Poem by DarkShines

Feels like floating

But still and unmoving

Facing the grey of uncertainty

And discovering a new reality


We had it good before

It's what I found to live for

We had worked so hard and built it up

But then you went and you fucked it up


So please, please

Turn away from me

Hide your mistakes from me

Feel what you've gone and lost

And know I loved who you used to be


Grasping at straws

Examining the flaws

Reconnecting your severed being

I've gone and stopped believing


So please, please

Turn away from me

Hide your feelings from me

Take back what you said

And remember who you used to be


So please, please

Turn away from me

Hide your convictions from me

Forget what you've seen

And become who you used to be

© 2012 DarkShines


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Reviews

I like your style alot. You have excellent flow, and display your emotions wonderfully.
We had worked so hard and built it up

But then you went and you fucked it up
I dont know why but that was my favorite. :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


This is amazing. Your words are so persuasively emotional. Great job

Posted 9 Years Ago


I've read a few pieces of yours and just wanted to note that I really like your style. You have excellent use of repetition, parallelism, and line structure. Your poems convey complex emotion and although I disagree greatly with the idea of measuring a piece's clarity and action in any way, your diction is very straightforward and easy to understand. So far Letting Go is my favorite of your works, but note this is only the 3rd poem I've read. So why comment? You have a very fluid sense of writing in most pieces and I really respect that, so out of respect, I wanted to comment on the piece I actually had constructive opinion-based critisism because it isn't fair to just ego-boost a writer I enjoy reading. I adore the concept on this piece and love the last 4 stanzas. But the first 2 feel off. I feel they are headed in the right direction, but that they need revision. I think the 4th line of the first stanza feels stressed and labored, which isn't typical for your style. And I have a bit of the same issue in the second stanza. It flows, with effort. And I think with a little thought, this poem could be a lot stronger. This is all opinion and I hope nothing is offensive. Best regards to you!

Posted 9 Years Ago



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Added on February 5, 2012
Last Updated on February 14, 2012

Author

DarkShines
DarkShines

Spokane, WA



About
Well I write mostly poetry lately, I have a horror novel I am currently working on called Glasgow Smile, that is what I am trying to work on the most right now. My main genres are horror and science f.. more..

Writing