Business Trip

Business Trip

A Poem by DaughterNature

Wheel tracks in the carpet

from his rolling luggage,

herb tea, peanut butter,

and a blanket that appears

to be made mostly of dog hair:

good companions.

The cat creeps under the tented blanket,

already purring,

while the lab begs me to throw

a slimy tennis ball,

her tail drumming against

the wall, threatening to put

holes

in the drywall.

Warm vibrations against my leg �"

at least she’s happy �"

then small paws pressing.

She’s making biscuits.

But inevitably claws

pierce

through my pants.

We’ll stay here until bedtime,

though.

We’re loathe to leave.

The bed will be so cold without him.

© 2015 DaughterNature


My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Featured Review

A beautiful poem, perfectly touching on the longing for the missing significant other without becoming maudlin. Well done!

I love the structure you used, especially separating 'pierce' on it's own line. It almost becomes onomatopoeia, but instead of sounding like what it is, it sort of feels like what it is... Is there a word for that? Where a word triggers a feeling sympathetic to the meaning of the word? In any case, wonderful use of language and form to really get at the meanings behind the words!

A couple of suggestions...

At the end on lines 10 and 11 (ending in 'leg' and 'happy') you have quotation marks, I believe these were meant to be ellipses. (This is a common formatting error caused on Writer's Cafe, for some reason the editor changes ellipses into quotation marks randomly!)

In the line:

'while the lab begs me to throw the
squishy tennis ball'

When read aloud the 'the' feels really out of place and makes the line 'squishy tennis ball' feel awkward, I would move 'the' down and have the line read 'the squishy tennis ball'. Having the verb 'throw' hanging on the previous line would still cause a soft stop for the reader (the kind you use so effectively throughout this poem). Having 'the' with 'squishy tennis ball' adds a feeling of uniqueness, as if the squishy tennis ball is the dog's favorite, the other tennis balls suck... ;)

All in all great poem!

Cheers,
Lawrence

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

DaughterNature

10 Years Ago

Thank you so much! What a kind review. I will definitely fix those formatting issues!



Reviews

oh i like how this built momentum...with an ending that is mystery until the end...

those things that make us remember, and miss...often we will try any diversion to keep from getting there.

j.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

DaughterNature

6 Years Ago

Thank you!
A beautiful poem, perfectly touching on the longing for the missing significant other without becoming maudlin. Well done!

I love the structure you used, especially separating 'pierce' on it's own line. It almost becomes onomatopoeia, but instead of sounding like what it is, it sort of feels like what it is... Is there a word for that? Where a word triggers a feeling sympathetic to the meaning of the word? In any case, wonderful use of language and form to really get at the meanings behind the words!

A couple of suggestions...

At the end on lines 10 and 11 (ending in 'leg' and 'happy') you have quotation marks, I believe these were meant to be ellipses. (This is a common formatting error caused on Writer's Cafe, for some reason the editor changes ellipses into quotation marks randomly!)

In the line:

'while the lab begs me to throw the
squishy tennis ball'

When read aloud the 'the' feels really out of place and makes the line 'squishy tennis ball' feel awkward, I would move 'the' down and have the line read 'the squishy tennis ball'. Having the verb 'throw' hanging on the previous line would still cause a soft stop for the reader (the kind you use so effectively throughout this poem). Having 'the' with 'squishy tennis ball' adds a feeling of uniqueness, as if the squishy tennis ball is the dog's favorite, the other tennis balls suck... ;)

All in all great poem!

Cheers,
Lawrence

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

DaughterNature

10 Years Ago

Thank you so much! What a kind review. I will definitely fix those formatting issues!
She'll have the comfort of her pets while he's gone. A replacement coping mechanism. Great presentaion of a slice in time.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago



Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

334 Views
3 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on March 5, 2014
Last Updated on October 19, 2015

Author

DaughterNature
DaughterNature

Chicago, IL



About
I know I'll always be learning, but ready and willing to read and review! I have been writing for about 14 years, and I have had one short story published in a magazine. I love experimenting with diff.. more..

Writing