A Bold Move

A man makes a simple mistake that changed his life while being directed from some one else.

You had a great time tonight didn't you? It's a good thing that you forgot your wallet at home otherwise you might be in the same situation as Al who may wake up with some sense of amnesia in the morning. You're a good person for walking him home at this time of night to ensure his safety. You never really know who could be driving dangerously, or better yet, walking these streets. Well, here we are at the intersection of decisions. Left or right? Left will bring us back to the bar with the guys. Right is home. Left it is, no wait, you forgot your wallet. Time to go home then. You can't expect the guys to buy you anymore drinks, it's not fair to them. Did you ever finish that report for Watkins tomorrow? The thought hasn't even crossed your mind until now. You better hurry then so that you can make sure it's completed. You do not want to face his unyielding wrath tomorrow. But, you're his dog and a dog must obey his masters. Doing tricks and obeying commands isn't what sets you from the rest of the pack. No, it's that you obey without hesitation. There is no fight in you. You're just a spineless, weak dog that does everything his master says without any reward. You even take his beatings for his own amusement. It's not your fault that you're like this though. Yes it is, you are just a weak coward that has never done anything except make him look better to his uppers. 

Another light. Look at that pretty lady across the street on the corner. You've always favored the blonde ones. Do not stare though; it's not a polite thing to do, and you especially do not want to come off as a creep. Just focus on your light and wait for it to change. She's walking over to our corner. Look busy. Look at your watch. Appear important like you have somewhere important to be like a normal, important person. The gap between us all is closing. Don't look back at her! Idiot. Pull out your phone and make a pretend phone call about something that will impress her. She's next to us now waiting for our very same light. She's even more beautiful than you saw before. Do you think she sees your sweat secluding on your forehead? Why did you pull out your phone? We both know she sees right through your hideous disguise of an important person. She sees your flip phone and hears your loud, outbursts of lies. You are not important. The light changes. She begins to walk; you do not. You're stuck in place. Move. Move. Move. There you go, finally putting one foot in front of the next. Just catch up to her and casually compliment her dress. Perhaps give her a smile when she looks at you, but do not show your bottom teeth. They look like a car pile-up. What are we even thinking? She's out of your league. She will never go for a guy like you. 

No. You can do this. You've been pushed around for too long, it's time for you to go get the girl. Go show her that you're just as important as the next guy. Be a man. Go catch her.

This whole time you've been thinking of  your approach but she's getting away! Increase your pace but do not run. Look, she took a right at the end of the block. Cut through the alley, maybe you can catch up to her. Why did you slow down in the alley? Are you scared? It's only mildly dark, it's not a like a gateway into an endless, black hole. Just jog through the alley so you don't wet your pants before getting to the beautiful woman. Start running you fool. There is nothing to be scared about. You take four long strides before you stop. A faint cough is coming behind you. You can hear the footsteps behind you approaching. The cough is getting nastier. Move you idiot! Move! Move! You're frozen. A figure emerges ahead from behind the visually barricading dumpster. It's a man, and his hands are shaking relentlessly. He has something in his hand. Your head whips back to the coughing man, and back towards the shaker. Both are approaching you rapidly now. You have to get out of here. To your left is nothing but a wall, and the right is an escape ladder but it is too high for you to jump. Your initial route might be your best bet. At least he didn't have something in his hand. You turn back towards the coughing man. You see a blur of grey swipe across your face. Clink.

We are on the ground now, dazed and confused. Pain is overbearing your head. Your head is wet with crimson. The two figures above you are yelling and shouting with one holding out his palm, but you can not hear. It's just a loud ringing noise. It's too hard to think. What must they want? The shaking-man raises up his hand that's coiled around steel. You scream in agony as it makes contact with your shin again, and again. He won't stop hitting you. Years seem to pass before the hitting stop, but the pain does not cease. They keep shouting at you. Your hand feels around the ground towards your backside. Your fingers crawl into your back pocket...emptiness. Open your mouth. Tell them that you don't have it. They seem even more upset now with your news. Why is this happening to you? You deserve this as much as you deserved a conversation with the pretty lady. They're screaming at each other now, pointing at you. You never should have thought to talk to her. It was too bold of you. The figures gaze upon you. You lost feeling in your body. You're numb. The man raises his hand again but this time over your head. Watkins won't get his report tomorrow. Maybe he will get fired. The shaking-man swings down with all his might.

Author's Note

I wrote this awhile ago in college as part as an assignment. My teacher thoroughly enjoyed the approach that I took towards a short story. I decided to mold the story through a conversation that the man was having with himself. Constantly second-guessing himself in many situations while trying to find value in his life and his actions. I'm looking for feedback on whether you liked the story or you didn't. What did you like about it? What did you not like about it? Why?

Thanks for reading.

Reviews

[Thomas]

Wow David. I really loved this story. You pull off an amazing stream-of-consciousness story that kept me interested throughout. You also present a character that was easy to fall in love with. I loved the nervous self-deprecation of him, it's easily relatable and you bring up a lot of creative and clever ideas. Your character faking to be important is so well put, I feel the same connection when pretending to scroll through the texts I don't really have, haha!

"Perhaps give her a smile when she looks at you, but do not show your bottom teeth. They look like a car pile-up." I especially loved these two lines. Adds to the character and the simile gives me nice imagery.

And a ton of other things are so carefully done that I really want to applaud you for. First off, the title is such a clever misnomer. I mean, the story does feature a somewhat "bold" plan in his mind, but we're greeted with most spineless character. Secondly, I caught the awesome foreshadowing you did: "It's a good thing that you forgot your wallet at home otherwise you might be in the same situation as Al who may wake up with some sense of amnesia in the morning." It's clever! It's smart from beginning to end and I can only imagine how long it took for you to write this.

"Your head is wet with crimson." I think this is perfect. I've contemplated how to put good imagery into a bloody scene, but I think something is so crisp and clean with your form.

Anyways, I could go on with the little things I like about the story, but I don't want to flatter to hard. I'm not any good with story format so I don't know if I can be any good with criticism on yours, but nothing in your writing stuck out as bad or unneeded. The only issue I found was in "Do you think she sees your sweat secluding on your forehead?" I don't think secluding is the right word, I think you meant to put secreting or something similar?

Again, a great story and it's a shame you don't have more reviews.

[David Nordheim II]

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm really glad you enjoyed it.