The Devil on the Tree

It was coming on up to Christmas

When I received an unusual text,

‘We’re travelling round the country and

We thought we’d visit you next.’

It was signed Giselle, the cousin from Hell,

And I shook right down to my boots,

For ‘we’ meant daughter Annabelle Leigh

With a reputation to suit.

 

I think she was sired by a Demon down

In the Seventh Circle of Hell,

She’d never been smacked, not even a tap

When she’d scream, and shout and yell,

Her mother was one of those wussy types

Who’d studied psychology,

Was into behaviour models, rather

Than putting her over her knee.

 

They came with their bag and baggage, said

They’d only be here for a month,

And Annabelle Leigh went on a spree

Spitting all over our lunch,

‘Now don’t be naughty,’ her mother said,

‘Or you’ll make your uncle mad!’

‘I hate him!’ she said, looking at me,

‘You tell him he’s not my Dad!’

 

I thought, ‘Thank God for that!’ there are

Small mercies in this world,

And one, not being the father of

This hateful, spiteful girl,

She turned my home to a charnel house

When she cauterised the cat,

Burning the fur of my Burmese with

A basin of scalding fat.

 

I asked if ever she’d sought the help

Of a child psychologist,

Giselle just sat and she simpered, ‘Oh,

She’s never as bad as this!

You must have done something to worry her,

Keep calm, and try to be nice.’

But I was too busy to answer, while

Packing the cat in ice.

 

‘Children need to feel valued,’ said

Giselle, one day to me,

But I was stood by the window

Watching her kid ring-bark my tree,

She cut off the neighbour’s pony-tail

As she lay asleep on the deck,

My hands were jerking in spasms as

I thought of them round her neck.

 

At Christmas-time out shopping she

Demanded the best of dolls,

Would scream, and fill up the shopping cart

With fairies, dwarfs and trolls,

But when it was too expensive and

Giselle said, ‘Put it back!’

She’d lie on the floor and hold her breath

‘Til her face was almost black.

 

On Christmas Eve, I trimmed the tree

At about the midnight hour,

As I wrapped the various packages, I

Could feel her in my power,

She wouldn’t forget this Christmas was

The promise I made to me,

For two could play at the naughty game

She’d find out, Annabelle Leigh!

 

I took the fairy from the top

Of the tree that it had graced,

Unwrapped the special surprise I’d bought

And put it in her place,

A large black rubber devil with

Red eyes and a pair of horns,

And a tongue that sprung from its evil face

For a foot and a half or more.

 

I’d coated the tongue with Rapid-fix

That instant stick cement,

And added the smell of rotting flesh

And Burmese excrement,

At dawn, when Annabelle Leigh came down

She looked for the fluffy dog,

But when she opened the parcel it

Was just my exploding frog!

 

The frog was coated in treacle that

Was stuck to her hands and hair,

She got out a single scream before

Her mother came running there,

The spring released on the devil that

Came leaping out of the tree,

Its tongue flew out, and stuck to the lip

Of that darling, Annabelle Leigh.

 

She stared in the big black devil’s eyes

As it hung, and bounced from her lip,

The eyes popped out and revolved as well,

Giselle came out, and flipped,

I doubt they’ll ever drop in on me

Again, they left in a whirl,

Annabelle sees a psychiatrist,

A well behaved little girl!

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Lena M. P.]

Yes dear Dr. Spock ruined many a child. I used to tell people the best use for one of his books was the seat of the pants. Of course that just probably got me on someones watch list for sure. Great write. There have been a few over the years I would have loved to pull the trick on.

[Patricia B. Hepler]

I've encountered one or two chaps born in the seventh circle, also....
I started with a giggle and ended up laughing out loud.
You had that kid pegged!! Loved the humor ;) Another grand poem, sir --
*pat

[Damien Davison]

lol, I really enjoyed reading that, mainly cause of the attitude in the way you delivered your words. Great ideas, made me laugh out loud for real in a few parts, great job!

[Valentine]

David..what a funny tale..some brats never do get just what they deserve..wonder if that devil is still stuck to her...Glad your writing fingers are back at it..love to you both..Kathie

[David Scott]

Best Christmas gift ever! Ha. I think you may have done something like this for real... I enjoyed the storyline and it felt relatable.
Thank you for a great holiday read David.

[Enid Blake]

Lol I had to laugh, though I'm not sure about the psychology typecast for obvious reasons ha ha ha ;)

[Marie]

She won't forget this Christmas in a hurry.
There are actually children like this who aren't lucky enough to receive the needed shocks until later in life...when it may be too late.