Morning Glory

It was five past three in the morning,

I had tried, but I couldn’t sleep,

The hound across the hall had howled

Then I heard its master weep,

I went to the fridge and poured a drink

Then I topped it up with Beam,

I thought, ‘If I can’t get back to sleep

Tonight, then I think I’ll scream!’

 

I hadn’t slept for a fortnight,

There was something in the air,

All sorts of horrible, moaning sounds

That slithered in through my hair,

They say it’s the whine of the wires

All bunched up on the pole outside,

When the wind sweeps up from the valley floor

Like a bridegroom to a bride.

 

The couple across the hall had fought

Like a cat with a crazy dog,

I knew that his name was Randolph, and

Some people had called her Mog,

I didn’t know what it was short for

Maybe Margaret, Megan or Madge,

I’d knocked at their door and threatened them,

‘The next guy might have a badge!’

 

She stood with the door half open

Looking grim as she spat her reply,

I staggered back at the force of it

But noted the black of her eye,

Her hair was knotted in tangles

And her lip was swollen and raw,

‘I’ll gut you, guy, like a razor fish

Next time you knock at my door!’

 

The cops said, ‘Don’t even go there,

They’re a bit like an aching tooth,

If all that you want is a peaceful life

The best thing to do is move.’

They’d called, they said, near a hundred times

But couldn’t be sparing the men,

‘The courts are weak, give a slap on the cheek,

Then they do it all over again.’

 

The night that their hound had howled, I heard

The sound of a muffled shot,

Then an eerie silence had settled down

In the eaves of the old rooftop,

I listened to Randolph gently weep

On the other side of his door,

Then heard the sound of a trunk being dragged

Heavily over the floor.

 

I sat and thought, ‘Well, he’s done it then,

He’s finally shot the b***h!’

The trunk was dragged down the passageway,

‘He’ll bury her in a ditch.’

I grabbed my .44 Magnum, and

I followed at length down the hall,

And when I might have been seen, I stood

And flattened myself to the wall.

 

The trunk was hoist on the tailgate by

A figure wearing a hood,

I raised and pointed the Magnum, ‘So!

You murdered her, well and good!’

The hood came off and she turned to me,

The woman I knew as Mog,

‘It’s not what you think, believe me,

I accidentally shot the dog.’

 

‘We were having a morning glory when

I thought someone came in,

I grabbed the gun and I loosed one off

And it got poor Rin-Tin-Tin.

Don’t tell on us, for it’s hard enough

He was Randolph’s pride and joy,

He only got us a dog because

I couldn’t give him a boy!’

 

I shook my head and I walked away,

Went back to pack up my things,

I had to move or I’d go quite mad,

The mad that sleepless brings.

I found a little apartment

By a widow with failing sight,

I didn’t know that she had a dog

‘Til I heard it howl that night!

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Robert Lindsay]

Brings back memories of my old neighbours 'caveman and tart' - I had very similar experiences but no howling dog at the next address fortunately. Again a very funny story, with such good humour.

[Tate Morgan]

I sat and thought, ‘Well, he’s done it then,
He’s finally shot the b***h!’
HA Ha Ha well She woulda shot you if those words had pursed your lips .

[Marie]

Clever twist.
I have cats so I can get away from the barking and howling. But a feral time comes in through my pet door and caterwauls endlessly.
Life is hard...