A Viking Morality Tale

Here's the answer to the question women have been asking all their lives!

He pulled his woollen jacket on

That stretched down to the knee,

Then donned a coat of heavy mail

And scowled toward the sea,

A fleet of ships was waiting there

For winter snows to thaw,

Before he sailed for England,

For Danegeld, and for war.

 

The sons of Ragnar Lodbrok

Took up their beaten swords,

They sharpened up their spearheads

(The manuscript records);

The sound of bloody tumult

Was music to their ears,

The wives held close the tiny bairns,

Allayed their yearly fears.

 

For every year the Vikings

Set out to plunder shores

That feared the Norsemen coming,

None tarried out of doors,

For when the grim marauders

Were seen to set their sails,

The Scotsmen and the Saxons all

Were heard to cry and wail.

 

'Protect us from the Northmen, Lord,'

The Christian altars rang,

'Protect us from the wrath of them,'

The Christian choirs sang,

Then every man and maid returned

So humble to each home,

To close and nail the shutters up

In valley, hill and combe.

 

But Ubbi, Ivar and Halfdan

Were heathens to the core,

They turned toward Northumbria

Intent on making war,

They burned and pillaged everything,

Slew every man and child,

But maids were taken captive for

The Army to defile.

 

They took the silver arm-rings of

The warriors they had slain,

And added jewels from each church

They burned along the way,

But when the winter storms came in

And ships were beached, to caulk,

They marched to shelter, right behind

The Roman Walls of York.

 

Now Halfdan had a Saxon maid

He'd taken at the coast,

She'd fought and screamed, and bitten him,

Defied the Viking boast,

But Athelflaed, the daughter of

A minor Saxon king,

Was quite prepared to die before

She'd give herself to him.

 

She'd cook, and she would clean as well,

She'd wash his filthy clothes,

Bloodstained from every battle with

The blood of Saxon foes,

But still she would refuse his bed

Until he turned to boast:

'I'll slay both of your brothers,

And your father at the coast.'

 

Again she would refuse him, saying;

'Go and do your worst!

I wouldn't sell my honour to

A beast that has been cursed,'

So Halfdan raged and swore at her,

And threw his armour on,

He sharpened up his spear, and said:

'Be sure! I'll soon be gone!'

 

But Athelflaed was cunning

In the wiles of women then,

For Saxon women had their ways

Of keeping men at home,

When Halfdan went to find his boots

Beside his treasure box,

He turned to her and raged:

'You'd better find my bloody socks!'

 

A thousand years have come and gone,

They're just a memory,

Their lives just trickled out the door,

They're lost in history,

But back in York, at Coppergate,

Some archaeologist,

Began the Jorvik Viking dig…

(This story has a twist!)

 

For there beneath the turnip ends,

The rotten veg and all,

That lay beside the Viking hut

That Halfdan called his hall,

They found an old and tattered sock,

The only one they found,

So Halfdan never got to walk

That cold, snow-covered ground.

 

And now, a thousand years away

His grandson, twenty times,

He gets to ride a Harley, with a patch

That says - 'I'm slime!'

While Athelflaed's descendant,

He invented some machine,

That agitates your washing out,

That's right - a washing machine!

 

And every time we load the wash

You know, in every town,

That Athelflaed, whose genes were strong,

She passed her cunning down,

For when the spinning cycle comes

To rest - that is, it stops,

You're only going to find just one…

From every pair of socks!

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Trée]

David, you play with word and verse and form as an architect plays with brilliance, crafting an edifice that turns heads and wallets alike. Poetry, in your hands, feels like Sunday morning, a natural ease flowing effortlessly with mirth and smile, nowhere to go for you've already taken us there. Your poems teach us function, purpose, life and above all else, to smile, to greet the day with a studious mind and a child's sense of adventure and play. Brilliant work my friend.

[Chad Wesley Allbrett]

Yes only one sock can ever be found! I'm sure it's not a new problem. Interesting read.

[Rick Puetter]

Dear David,

Wonderful as usual. Great mastery of getting so intricately into the piece. Such a pleasure to see this unfold so nicely. I would have wished, however, for this to end in a more serious manner, more appropriate to the gravity of the topic. That's just my take, however, I did understand and could appreciate your typical tongue in cheek playfulness at the end.

Very nicely written. Great mastery of the time, topic, and mood. High marks.

Best regards,

Rick

[Tate Morgan]

Again I never guessed the end Bravo, Bravo. Lacking words I simply say, in reverence at your feet, is where my pen does lay!

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Okay, call me a dork, but I actually set out to find whether or not this was historically accurate since, to the best of my knowledge, the washing machine was invented in the United States. No matter though. Your poem entails enough of history and fiction as though to appear to be truth. More than that, the ending made me smile. Anyone who has done laundry has experienced the damnable frustration of a missing sock! Now, we know why; or better yet, perhaps it's the woman's unconscious desire to keep her man at home. :o)

Linda Marie Van Tassell

[holly]

This was a delight to read, the meter was nearly perfect - one small bump in "They turned toward Northumbria" but that might be my reading. I really enjoyed this thoroughly. You turned the reader on their head witht he ending. Perhaps this is so appealing because it combines good archaelogy with excellent writing. Wonderful!

[Moonlit-Blues]

This poem is truly awesome, I love historical poetry and this story has its own particular zest to it, the horros of the era, what it was like for women throughout the ages and in juxaposition with how lucky we are now, this poem truly highlights the rogues too. I honestly love the colloquial narrative and I believe it works tremendously here. Well done!

[Simply Whitney]

awe, I loved this. I am very bad at giving constructive criticism or any type of criticism at that matter but this is definatelty one of my favorites David. In my opinion, it's flawless. Amazzing job. :)

[Tomás Ó C..]

This is REEEEEAAAAlLLLLL poetry, it tells a story, had rhyme, stanzas, is memorable... brilliant!!!! You make it sound like fact!!! If the Viking was as tough as he said, and was Irish, he would have done the only macho thing to do in a situation like that: wear two odd socks!!!

This inspired me to look up who DID invest the washing machine - yes, I am that sad!!! - and this is what I got:

Washing machine milestones

19th-century Metropolitan washing machine
A vintage German modelThe first English patent under the category of Washing and Wringing Machines was issued in 1691.[citation needed] A drawing of an early washing machine appeared in the January 1752 issue of "The Gentlemen's Magazine," a British publication. In Germany, Jacob Christian Sch�ffer's washing machine design was published in 1767.[1] In 1782 Henry Sidgier was issued a British patent for a rotating drum washer.

The first United States Patent titled "Clothes Washing" was granted to Nathaniel Briggs of New Hampshire in 1797. Fire destroyed the patent office and no description of the device exists so it is not known what kind of washing device Briggs invented. A device that combined a washing machine with a wringer mechanism did not appear until 1843 when John E. Turnbull of Saint John, New Brunswick patented a "Clothes Washer With Wringer Rolls."[1]

Electric Washing Machines were advertised and discussed in newspapers as early as 1904.[2] Louis Goldenberg of New Brunswick NJ invented the electric washing machine around the late 1800s to early 1900s. He worked for the Ford Motor Company at that time, and all inventions that were created while working for Ford under contract, belonged to Ford. The patent would have been listed under Ford and or Louis Goldenberg.[This sentence needs an inline citation. Claim is highly unlikely. Ford Motor Company did not exist prior to 1903 and there is substantial evidence of prior art making a claim of inventing electric power source for washing machines highly unpatentable.] Alva J. Fisher has been incorrectly credited with the invention of the electric washer. The US patent office shows at least one patent issued before Mr. Fisher's US patent number 966677 (e.g. Woodrow's US patent number 921195).

US electric washing machine sales reached 913,000 units in 1928. However, high unemployment rates in the Depression years hit sales; by 1932 the number of units shipped was down to about 600,000.

Such information overload for something so small, eh?

Loved the poem and will be back to read some more soon...

[K. Aurora]

Oh those dang socks! The men leave them everywhere! It's should be obvious as to why we take them! We don't want the house to smell like two week old moldy feet!

Oh David! This was a Gem of a tale. You spun a world of mirth around historic heros and heroines and have left me feeling wonderfully enjoyed.

I loved the part about the washing machines! You know that we all pay respect to the device by feeding it as many dirty socks as we can! :)

Wonderful Tale!

Kansas