Fear

A Story by Dreamer

Like a flame that was lit, way before you even expected, fear grips you in a terrifying unconscious manner.

I feel lost, aware, broken? It’s a weird combination of overwhelming emotions I’ve never felt before altogether. Why is this happening? Well, first I realized this, fear of going back into a loop of depression. Yes I’ve faced it, but I began to fear, what if I go back? I don’t want to go back. A stage of delusionalness where I became obsessed with not wanting to face depression again. It spread like a flame, I did everything, got a job, took care of my appearance, watched funny videos. I felt empty inside, all of this to make myself feel good for a certain amount of time. And now that I realize this I had done what I feared the most. Put myself in a loop again. Now as I think of this, I question myself have I been truly living? There’s a phrase that says, don’t get stuck in the past or live too much towards the future, live in the present moment because you will miss a lot if you don’t. But as I think back to this, I wasn’t really living was I? I feel like I’m trying to bring back old passions and think too much of the future. I’ve gone back to try drawing, but it feels empty. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m crying, but I’m not. I’m laughing, but I’m not. Again, it feels like I’m going backwards towards my depression. My heart pounds like crazy, music doesn’t seem to help. I’m tired of this, what do I want? What can I do?