Jump Off Cliff

Leaving Reality Behind

Its not the most suitable expression I could find. I was thinking of the moments when we want to toss everything aside … including our carefully cultured social manners and natures. Its care giver fatigue … and we all go through it … from time to time … even when its about taking care of ourselves. Like Rod Sterling said … its the Twilight Zone … when our secrets and the physical reality … combine in one swoop of view. I call it jump off cliff. Craaaaaaaazy!

For instance … how does a person cope with the idea … of being fully self sufficient … and at the same time … he has to apply himself to work around the house … or maybe at a career? Its that part of the psyche that is the birthplace of … eccentricity … deliberate manouvres … pretenses … lies … contradictions and half truths. It justifies itself … with the common sense of activity … like jiggling the breasts in front of the man … or in the case of the man … raising an eyebrow … and cocking the eye in false modesty.

And so it was in such a mood of … wondrous apathy … that I went out to dinner today … at one of the three cafes that I frequent around here. It was evening … and the place was exactly half full. The patrons on this occasion … were elderly folks … with the exception of a couple. And then it began. On the non-existent public address system overhead … just for my ears … the sing-song voice of the announcer began officiously … ' All passengers for the planet Creton … are advised that boarding will take place in 15 minutes … at gate 2.'

I dunno why I do that! Bored … fed-up … may be the likely reasons … a certain dismissal of the common grind of life … that doesn't promise anything new … may be another. The announcer continues … ' Buffet is served at the dining area … and we have a new item today … fresh from the seven seas … stingray in chili gravy.' I had the stingray in chili gravy. ' New arrivals are advised … to find their own seats … at any available table.'

Just then … a family of mutants … sauntered in … mother … daughter … sons … and father. Found a table … and displayed their impeccable manner of breathing … without air from the atmosphere … but from a second source in their bile. The eyes were dark and dead to any and all objects in the environment … but relied on their perked ears to make their orders to the waiter. I say mutants … because … despite being my neighbors here … I cannot feel nor discern any manner of humanity about them … that relates to a certain common thinking.

Its my fault … I tell myself … I'm starting to believe that a man … who knows himself … experiences a lonesome dove of living … and is not in that way a part of the herd. Still … I was telling myself … I can say it a little better. But what do you say … about a woman who has let her body go to distraction … like the side of a barn … dresses like dust covers on cars … and the man displays not a single sense of being alert to his environment … whose body language makes no motion to relate to other patrons … but keeps his eyes … blinkered on the table in front of him?

I was just then checking myself … on my weathered notions of life … when it occurred to me … that I was actually making a point about the … fussy consistency and compatibility … we insist on … with regards to the human condition. My manual on … The general guide to consistency in the behavior of humans … was saying a woman ought to take some trouble with the way she presents herself … good form … and manicured. And men … ought to display … a certain free dangling attitude of abandon … and doesn't look like he's bathing nude in public in paradise lake.

Just then the voice on the PA announced that … there will be a surprise inspection by … the Society for Social Preservation … for viral-bacteria fall-out … that may be harmful to health. And soon … some men in white overalls and hoods … were walking around with sense meters … to check for V-B radiation. I realized then where my horse -arsed behavior was coming from … and got myself to stop. My own gift of understanding about what's fair … is not an opportunity granted to many. I certainly had no right to impose myself on others that way.

It was care-giver fatigue … and I told myself … if I found it hard to keep going … to stop. It doesn't justify my beating up on others … with acidic candor. I found myself returning to my meal … like a school boy who had just been reprimanded by the teacher. The stingray with chili was really quite good … especially when you mix it with lentil gravy … what the Indics call … parupu … which is a staple food item on their tables … like rice.

It suddenly occurred to me then … that I was my own worst enemy … and it reminded me of the time I was in London on my honeymoon … when I thought I was receiving some blunt looks from people there. I don't think it was them at all … it was simply my intellect … disarming itself from too sharp a focus on life … in places that were simply primed for good and fair social relations. My return to Malaysia … helped me to breathe easier … and brought out my practice of the sharp intellect … to apply itself in context … and not stray into someone else's love of pre-occupation.

Its something I came to notice about the human intellect. It submits to the will of passion … to the exhortations of women … for the sake of the children … that helps a man to stay at a job … or engage in repetitive activity … that is completely lacking in motivation. And he gets to a point when he … hails all and sundry … to come test his resolve … and his house of disguises … for he is fed-up. And sometimes … society does just that.

And how do we then reconcile the point of self sufficiency with the need to continue with our daily activity? We come to realize that the self sufficiency … is an internally organized self assurance that relies on the insight of life's wondrous efficiency at creation. Its the times when we feel … bad luck is something that happens to someone else … not us. Its a dream … founded by creation to clue us in to what goes on in life. A man would eventually put that to the bonfire of vanities … and make himself a new. Its the way of men.