LOST CONNECTION

An absurdest comedy exploring the impact of social media and technology on human intimacy.

Lost Connection

By

Darrel Draper

In a not so distant future, in a world where social media is dominant and has become mankind’s predominant means of existence, two cyber crossed lovers are torn from the life’s they have invented and thrown back into the realities they've tried so hard to escape from. Vienna (Veronica) and Jared (Joe) have constructed their perfect life together using an electronically animated artificial intelligence programme, which allows them to escape the mundane nature of their own existence through the use of avatars in a virtual reality. However when that virtual reality comes crashing down due to a virus infection, the two are forced to confront each other in reality. Will they still be able to hold onto their connection? Or will they discover that in fact, the only connection they once had, was to the internet.

Act One.

Scene One.

(Jared and Vienna, two extraordinary looking people, sit comfortably together on a park bench. Blissfully content in the presence of each other. They are dressed lavishly. It's a beautiful sunny day with a crystal clear blue sky. The grass seems greener than usual)

Jared: So I finally found the stairs and I could hear it crying from......

Vienna: (Laughs) Whenever men refer to babies, it's always, it.

Jared: Well I couldn't tell with all the smoke, I could barely see my hands in front of me. So I made it up the stairs, and followed the sound, and it had been left in its cot, so I quickly grabbed it and made my way out, but by this point, the smoke was so thick I was having to crawl, I crawled down the stairs, baby cradled in one hand, hose in the other, the hose acted as my guide out the building, lead me straight out to the truck, the smoke had spread so far outside it was like stepping out of one abyss into another. But as the smoke cleared slightly, I could see a crowd of people around, and as soon as they saw me, standing there, baby in my arms, there was a giant cheer, that almost made the smoke completely disappear.

Vienna: Wow. Bet you got a lot of respect for that.

Jared: Yeah, just a little more and I get a pay rise.

Vienna: That's great. (Beat) So what was IT?

Jared: Huh?

Vienna: The baby you rescued.

Jared: Ow, um......girl I think.

Vienna: You probably get more respect for rescuing girls than you do boys.

Jared: Why do you think that?

Vienna: Well girls are more precious.

Jared: (Laughs) Oh are they?

Vienna: Yeah, in the eyes of society. We are the child bearers after all.

Jared: Mmm, yeah but, how often does that happen in this day and age?

Vienna: Good point. (Beat, sniggers) How much respect do you get for rescuing cats from trees?

Jared: Strangely that hasn't happened yet.

Vienna: Weird. (Vienna rests her head on Jared's shoulder and looks up at the sky) No clouds. Not one.

Jared: Amazing isn’t it. Looks like you could swim through it.

Vienna: Well that ponds just as blue, if you fancy a dip.

Jared: I think the swans would have something to say about that.

Vienna: Oh yeah. What would they say?

Jared: You know......(Puts on a peculiar voice) get out of our pond!

Vienna: (Laughs) Is that what a swan sounds like?

Jared: This one does. You see that one there. He's the king of these parts.

Vienna: He, maybe a she.

Jared: No the males are bigger.

Vienna: Ah, that gives me a brilliant idea.

Jared: What's that?

Vienna: Well, I'm not sure I should divulge the specifics just now, you know for copyright reasons, but If we were to sign a contract first, then maybe.....

Jared: Vienna, my lips are sealed.

Vienna: Ah, perfect for kissing. (She leans in and they kiss)

Jared: (Gently pushing her back) You're not getting out of it that easy. I want to know.

Vienna: Well it's rather niche, but I think there's a gap in the market for it, ready to have your mind blown?

Jared: Blow away.

(There's a brief pause, Jared suddenly registers what he has just said, as does Vienna, they give each other an awkward look and then burst out laughing)

Jared: Wow, glad no one else was around to hear that.

Vienna: Yeah, except the swans, what would they say about that?

Jared: Um......(In a swan voice) Go for it!

Vienna: No they wouldn't! They're sophisticated, just like us.

Jared: You wouldn't believe the stuff that goes through their heads, trust me, I am the swan speaker after all.

Vienna: S**t speaker more like it.

Jared: Speaking of which, what was your idea?

Vienna: Hey! This idea is going to make us, well me, a multimillionaire.

Jared: I thought we were going to be fifty fifty partners.

Vienna: Mmmmm, forty sixty. And that's the best you're going to get.

Jared: OK, so cut the suspense.

Vienna: (Dramatic pause) Heels for swans.

Jared: WHAT! Where'd you get that from?

Vienna: You said the males are bigger so......

Jared: (Laughs) Yeah but then there'd be no way of telling them apart!

Vienna: OK, so we'll extend the line, do all sorts of accessories, have chains of shops, and they'll be called...........

Jared: Swan style!

Vienna: Yes Jared! I like it!

Jared: Now you have to make me a fifty fifty partner.

Vienna: forty nine, fifty one. Final offer.

Jared: That one's just going around in circles.

Vienna: Yeah I noticed that earlier. It's been doing it a while.

Jared: Should really report it.

Vienna: I'm sure someone’s already seen it.

Jared: Hopefully, these things can spread.

Vienna: I'm sure it's a simple fix. (Beat) In a way I think it's sad that there's no clouds. I remember when I was really young I used to lay down on the grass and look up at them.

Jared: Maybe that's something else you should mention then.

Vienna: I used to lay there for hours, just imagining what it would be like to float on one. Float all around the world. (Pause) I'd always get grass stains though, and then I'd return home and get shouted at. (Beat) But hey, every cloud right......I wonder where that expression comes from. I mean, clouds aren't necessarily a bad thing. I don't even know what clouds are, I mean, what they're made of.

Jared: I'll have a look.

Vienna: No it's OK.

Jared: Just a second. (Jared falls silent for a moment, he stares ahead emotionless, suddenly he becomes animated again as if the information has just popped into his head) OK, so, the simple explanation. Clouds are a large collection of water droplets and ice crystals that settle on dust particles in the air. Combined they float and form visible shapes. That make any sense?

Vienna: Kinda.

Jared: There's a lot of information. Probably best to look for yourself.

Vienna: I might do, later. Though if I spent my time questioning everything, I'm pretty sure I'd self destruct.

Jared: Some things just can't be explained. (Beat) Like how I have the ability to speak to swans for example.

Vienna: (Sniggers) Then maybe you should tell that one to stop making me feel dizzy.

Jared: Na, it's fun to watch. Be boring if they all swam the same way.

Vienna: So what else do you want to do today?

Jared: Anything, as long as it doesn't involve fire.

Vienna: Well that's ruined my plans, I was really hoping to do a bit of arson.

Jared: Oh well as long as I'm not the one putting it out.

Vienna: You chose to be a fireman. You could have picked any profession.

Jared: Well actually superhero wasn't an option. So I picked the closest thing.

Vienna: You could have been a police officer.

Jared: Name me a TV show or film, where the police officers haven't been crooked in some way? (Pause of silence) Where's firemen, they're the real heroes, risk life and limbs on a daily basis, self-sacrificing to save their fellow man. Without knowing anything about that person, good or bad, they do their job, without prejudice. Nothing is more heroic or courageous than being a fireman.

Vienna: OK, name me a famous fireman. One that is adored by the nation.

Jared: Fireman Sam.

Vienna: (Laughs) Do you know who else has a bold legacy? (Beat) Postman Pat.

Jared: I've never been a cat person.

Vienna: Bob the builder.

Jared: I've never liked talking cement mixers.

Vienna: (Laughs) That's fair enough.

Jared: So did you want to be a dog walker just because you like dogs, or is there more to it?

Vienna: Does there need to be more to it?

Jared: No. (Beat) So do you speak dog?

Vienna: Pfftt. No. I'm not barking mad.

Jared: (Sniggers, beat) Hold on, here's a question. Do you still need to.....you know.....

Vienna: No?

Jared: Well when you're walking the dogs, and they need to......

Vienna: Ow right, of course.

Jared: Really?

Vienna: Well yeah, it's part of the job.

Jared: Yeah but, why make them......Oh I don't know, it seems pointless. (Beat) Did you know that when you selected the job?

Vienna: I kind of assumed.

Jared: And do you actually get fined if you don’t?

Vienna: Yeah, it's all part of it. To be honest, I don't really do it for the respect. I just love dogs, and if that's what I have to do to spend time with them, then, so be it. Pro's and cons.

Jared: Yeah but I still don't understand why they would, you know, and what would be the point in......

Vienna: There's got to be some negatives to the positive, or, well, it wouldn't be, like, life, would it. It would be, heaven.

Jared: If you ask me, we pay enough TO live in heaven.

Vienna: Well It's kind of like your job, if you think of the ins and outs of it. What's causing these fires?

Jared: People usually. Or should I say idiots.

Vienna: But what about when it's on purpose.

Jared: You mean when people like you decide to casually do a bit of arson.

Vienna: No but seriously, you got to think, why are they doing it? What can they gain? And what would really happen if you weren't there to put it out?

Jared: Well, then.....I suppose.......

Vienna: I mean why even make things flammable? (Beat) We wouldn't be able to function in a perfect world. People get away with burning s**t, because that's what makes them happy, just like putting out fires makes you happy. Without their purpose in life, you would have no purpose, without them fulfilling their desire, you would be unable to fulfil yours, so we continue to play the game. So to speak.

Jared: (Pause) So basically, what you're saying is......you desire to pick up dog s**t.

Vienna: (Laughs, playfully hits Jared) No! That's not what I'm saying! I'm saying.............see, this is exactly what I meant earlier, if you sit there and think about all the minor details you'll drive yourself mad. We need to learn to just accept what's in front of us, whether it's real or.......you know.

Jared: Well actually, it's funny you mention this, because, well, there's a reason I wanted to bring you here today. Remember this is where we had our first date?

Vienna: Of course I remember.

Jared: Well I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I know, for a full fact, that my feelings for you are real. A hundred per cent. And I hope your feelings for me are real too.

Vienna: Of course they are.

Jared: Well, what I wanted to ask, is......(Gets down on one knee and produces a ring box, Vienna’s face lights up with joy) Would you make me the happiest man alive, and do me the honour of, of, of, of, of, of...............

(Jared appears to jolt backwards and forwards as Vienna stands frozen in time. Blackout. A technical difficulty sign is displayed via AV, which is accompanied by a recorded message by a buxom beautiful woman dressed in business attire, as her voice is heard a spotlight falls either side of the stage and we see a man and a woman sat behind a desk in front of a computer, on opposite sides of the stage. They are wearing virtual reality glasses which are plugged into their computers. They are in complete contrast to the appearance of their avatars Jared and Vienna, and are clearly older than them too. They look frustrated and in devastation as they remove their glasses and look bleakly around)

Automated Voice: Service currently unavailable. Global Tech would like to apologise for any inconvenience or distress this may cause. Rest assured we are doing everything in our power to resolve this problem and aim to have all avatars restored within the next 12 to 24 hours. In the meantime, take steady steps adjusting, if you find the process of adjusting to be too strenuous, than please contact one of our adjustment agents on the following modes of communication.

Joe: No! No! No! No! No! Not now! Why now!

Veronica: Argh! What a pile of dog s**t!

(Complete blackout)

Scene Two.

(What follows is a montage showing a passing of time, the song “When you're smiling” by Frank Sinatra accompanies the action, the music fades in and out where there is dialogue)

(“Lights up. Joe's flat, dimly lit with no natural light. Joe is wearing big baggy clothes. Everything outside of the circumference of Joe's desk and computer is a mess. Joe is dishevelled and in a frantic state, he is trying to occupy himself without the use of his computer but is failing miserably, he manages to tear himself away from his desk for mere seconds at a time, before having to rapidly check the status of his internet connection once more. He continues to refresh the same page over and over, we see this via the AV screen, the page he is refreshing is to Global Techs VR software. He repeats these actions as if on loop. The light falls from Joe and comes up on Veronicas side of the stage, she is doing exactly the same as him, continually refreshing the same page as she stares at her computer screen aimlessly, as if on auto pilot, repeating the same action over and over, each time the web page fails to load her sighs and frustrations grow more intense. Blackout on Veronica, lights up on Joe who is playing a video game, he gets killed and it comes up in big bold font, “Game Over! You Lose!”, he screams in frustration and quickly exits the game)

Joe: (Mutters) What's the f*****g point of anything?

(Blackout on Joe, lights up on Veronica, she is staring blankly at her social media page, she has posted an update, “Feeling lonely :(“, she posted the update two hours ago, it has no comments, she sighs, she refreshes the web page, still no comments, there is an abundance of posts from people complaining about the result crash of Global Tech. She looks at a few of them before returning to her own page, she edits her post, she changes “Feeling lonely :(“, to “Feeling very lonely :'(“. She waits another couple of minutes to see if she gets any comments/likes but does not, she sighs once more, she clicks off her social media page and decides to browse the internet for “Cute dog videos”, she finds one and plays it. She briefly smiles while watching the video, but then is suddenly overcome once more with sadness. She clicks off the video and has a moment where she stares off into space before being hit by a sudden idea, she types into her search engine, “robotic pets” and finds a web page, she searches for a robotic dog. Blackout on Veronica, lights up on Joe, Joe is reading a blog entitled, “Dating in the real world”, he is looking at a section on the topic of “What women want from a man ?”, as he reads he sees the words confident, outgoing and comfortable in their own skin, which disheartens him, he stops reading, he decides to check on Global Techs web page once more, which is still down for maintenance. Blackout on Joe, lights up on Veronica who is stood in front of a mirror looking intensely at herself, analysing her every flaw. Blackout on Veronica, lights up on Joe who is watching exercise videos of men in the gym lifting weights and getting toned, he pauses the video and looks around him for something heavy to use as a weight)

Joe: Mmmmm. What can I lift? (Has a sudden thought, he stands up and begins to lift his chair over his head in an awkward fashion, he struggles after a couple of lifts, he puts the chair down again and sits on it, feeling defeated)

(Blackout on Joe, lights up on Veronica who is watching a video blog on women’s health and beauty, which is presented by someone who is the spitting image of Vienna. Blackout on Veronica, lights up on Joe who is trying to do a sit up but is failing miserably, he tries to do a press up but also struggles, he gets halfway up and then collapses, he sobs to himself lying face down on the ground. Blackout on Joe, lights up on Veronica who is stood in the mirror trying to curl/style/brush her hair like Vienna, she is failing miserably and is becoming increasingly frustrated, there's a sudden knock on the door, Veronica looks startled, she puts down whatever it is she is using to style her hair and makes her way to the door curiously, she cautiously opens it to reveal a delivery man/woman holding a package)

Courier: Veronica Vuruka?

Veronica: That's me.

Courier: Could I just have your thumb print please for confirmation? (Holding out a device in which Veronica places her thumb) Thank you. (The courier than looks at the device checking her identity) Yep, that's you, (hands her the package) there you go.

Veronica: Thank you.

Courier: Just quickly check that everything is as it should be.

Veronica: (Opening the package to reveal a robot dog toy) Yeah seems fine.

Courier: Just one more thing, we're now asking all of our customers to say a few words to camera about our service, for customer satisfaction purposes, so if you wouldn't mind being so kind and just saying a few words about the time efficiency of our service and that kind of thing, that would be really great, and also every person that does decide to give us some positive feedback is automatically entered into a competition where they will stand the chance of winning the grand prize of a thousand free credits to spend as they want online, which is a good reward for just a minute of your time.

Veronica: Um, OK, yeah, sure.

Courier: Great, OK, (Points a recording device in her face) I'll give you the thumbs up when I've hit record, and as I said, just speak about our time efficiency, and maybe about our great discounts and prices, perhaps if you also mention the wide array of products we have on offer, and yeah, if you trip up or stumble, don't worry, we can always start again. OK? (Veronica nods her head though is clearly very nervous in front of the camera and slightly bewildered by the experience, Courier gives her the thumbs up, she completely freezes, struggling to find the words. The Courier gives her another thumbs up, beckoning her to speak, she forces some words out)

Veronica: Um, yeah, hi, so, I, um....I just got this package, and....It's really, really, I mean it, it came within the estimated delivery time and.....it was, secure, in this box, and.......

Courier: (Drops the camera) OK, let's try that again, but this time, just, you know what, just say, just say something like, “I'm very happy with the service I received from Courier Quick and would definitely recommend them to all my friends, not only did my package arrive before the predicated date of delivery, but it was handled with care and delivered with a big smile”. How's that? Think you can remember that? (Veronica nods again submissively) Great, (Beat, looking more closely at Veronica) owww, actually, do you want to just quickly fix your hair, and maybe, you know, just smarten yourself up a bit, you know, coz this might be seen by hundreds, thousands of people, and really you want to be looking your best, right?

Veronica: Um, actually, on second thoughts, I've um, err, I've really got to be getting on with something, and, um......

Courier: It will literally take a couple of minutes, five at the most, just, you know, brush your hair done, slap on a bit of........

Veronica: No I should really, um.....get on with that, thing, sorry, I um, don't really have the time, sorry, I really need to......

Courier: Think, a thousand credits, you could get a lot with that.

Veronica: Yeah I'm just, um....you know, very, very busy at the moment, and err, you know, sorry, maybe another time, the next time I.....

Courier: The competition may have ended by then.

Veronica: OK, well, you know, sorry again, just....wrong time, but yeah, thanks for the offer, and thanks for coming and delivery my package and all that, and, hope you have a good day, OK, bye, thank you. (Awkwardly closes the door on the courier, she stands for a moment in silence before breaking down into tears, she slides down against the door and collapses to the ground sobbing, she takes the robotic dog out of the box and cuddles it in comfort)

(Lights down on Veronica, lights up on Joe who is looking at a careers website, considering possible professions, every brief he reads relating to a job describes the perfect candidate as confident, outgoing and with good face to face communication skills. His search is interrupted by the sound of a notification, he switches to his social media page to see that someone has commented on one of his posts, he clicks on his post, which reads, “If you have fallen in love with someone in VR, should you try to make contact with them in RL?”, someone has commented with the following, “Oh god, ANOTHER twat who refers to real life as 'RL',.....what does 'VR' stand for.......Virgin Republic..........hahahahaha!”. Joe angrily deletes the comment and then his post before closing down the web page and the other displaying career options, he then immediately searches the internet for news on Global Tech, typing into his search engine, “Expected date of Global Tech reboot?”, but does not find any relevant information. Lights down on Joe, lights up on Veronica who is once more staring at herself in the mirror, she has a selection of make up laid out and other beauty products. She begins to make herself over. Blackout, lights up on Joe who is now surrounded by empty beer bottles, he is clearly in an intoxicated state and looks heavily depressed, he stares blankly at his computer screen which displays a paused game menu, with the caption, “Game Over! You Lose!”, he takes a few more swigs out of a bottle and closes his eyes for a moment, when he opens them again the caption on his computer screen has miraculously changed to, “Game Over! You LOSER!!!!”, this is a figment of his drunken state and imagination. Joe takes a bottle of pills out of his pocket and stares down at them, contemplating, he undoes the screw cap and pores several pills out onto his desk, he looks down at them, contemplating further. He takes a handful of them and raises them up to his mouth, contemplating once more, he then has a sudden change of thought and throws them across the stage in an emotional outburst. He slams his head down onto the desk and begins to sob, pulling at his own hair, he then looks back up at the computer screen and the caption now reads, “Continue?”, displaying the button A, which he should press if he wishes to continue. He then has another sudden thought and clicks off the game, he types into his search engine, “AA”. 'Adjustment Agents' appear. Blackout, lights up on Veronica who is sat at her computer looking at internet images of beautiful weddings, brides and wedding dresses etc, imagining what her own wedding would have looked like. After a few minutes of contemplating looking at the pictures, she checks to see whether the Global Tech servers are back online, which they aren't, she then sighs and stands up, she makes her way over to the mirror, but instead of her reflection staring back at her, she sees Vienna's, as Vienna stares back at her looking beautiful in a long wedding dress)

Vienna: This could have been you.

(Blackout. End of montage. Lights up on Joe who has crashed out on his desk, asleep after a heavy night of drinking. Joe's deep sleep is interrupted by the sound of the door bell, a sound which both terrifies and intrigues Joe, as it is a sound which he has rarely heard, for a moment he is frozen, not sure of what action he should take next. He looks up at his computer, perplexing, wondering whether the sound came from it. The door bell sounds again, now fully registering what the sound in fact is, and realising who is potentially behind the door, Joe rushes to answer it, he opens the door to reveal an elderly woman dressed smartly, Joe is flabbergasted, it is not who he was expecting)

AA: Joseph Laurence?

Joe: um...yeah...I....err......

AA: I'm Kathleen. (Beat) Hello. (Beat, sniggers) Now repeat after me. HELLO.

Joe: (Still dazed from being awoken) Sorry, I just, what's the time?

AA: It's the time of our appointment, that's what time it is.

Joe: Right, yeah, of course, sorry, I forgot, I, (Rubbing his head) I, um, I didn't think you'd be, you're not like, I thought you were.....

AA: You were expecting someone else, someone younger?

Joe: No, well ,yes, and um.........

AA: Sorry we're not all buxom beauties like the women you see in the videos.

Joe: (Beat) You are from the agency right?

AA: (Laughs) I am indeed. Did the suit not give it away?

Joe: No, no, it's not that, it's just, for a second there, I thought.....never mind.

AA: Would you prefer a man?

Joe: Well.....doesn't matter now. It's OK.

AA: Because if you wanted a male AA, we do have some available, however you would have to specifically request them, and we are spread pretty thin at the moment.

Joe: It's fine. You're here now. (They stand awkwardly in the door way together until AA gives him a look of “Well.....”) Oh, yeah, please, come in. (Standing to the side)

AA: So you do remember some manners.

(AA enters and Joe closes the door behind her)

Joe: Sorry, I haven't been coping too well.

AA: (Surveying the flat) Yes, I can see that.

Joe: I can clear a space for you.

AA: Clear or clean?

Joe: Um. Both if you like.

AA: (Beat) Who is it you thought I was?

Joe: Oh, no one. (Tidying a space)

AA: Mmmmm. (Beat) There’s no young blood in this business. Your all too wrapped up in your own little world. And we're left to take care of the rest of it. Well, what's left.

Joe: What's the latest news? The last email I received said that it could take longer than expected to get the servers back up and running. How long? Do you know?

AA: Before we sit down and talk logistics you should offer me a drink. (Looks down at the empty beer bottles etc with a turned up nose) Not of that kind though of course. It's too early.

Joe: OK, would you like a drink?

AA: No. (Joe looks confused) But it's always polite to offer, remember that if you have future visitors.

Joe: OK......So what's going on with global tech?

AA: Well, here's the thing, and maybe you should sit down for this.

Joe: Oh no, please don't tell me that......

AA: Just sit down. (Joe sits) We've been asked to inform all our clients that they should face the possibility of a week, to a months........

Joe: A month!

AA: Unfortunately, that's the best case scenario.

Joe: What you mean, it could take longer? (AA's silence says it all, Joe leaps up in a panic) My god! What the hell am I going to......

AA: Stop! That is exactly the reason I am here, to help you reintegrate with mainstream society. (Laughs to herself, aside) Though I don't know why they call it mainstream, nothing mainstream about it. (Beat) Which is why this could be a blessing in disguise.

Joe: But I was just about to be promoted, and get a medal for bravery.

AA: What is it you did in VR?

Joe: Fire-fighter.

AA: Oh right, and what do you do now?

Joe: I create apps, if they're good enough, I sell them.

AA: And do you enjoy that?

Joe: It's alright, I've actually created 52 apps since last week.

AA: Oh wow, that's productive. What kind of apps, you know, what do they do?

Joe: Well all different things, one's an app which presents all the possible outcomes in a particular social situation and allows the user to weigh up the pros and cons of each decision they could possibly make.

AA: Right......OK, so give me an example of that.

Joe: OK, well.....Say you're, say you get into a car accident or something, or there's an altercation between you and someone else over something, you would just type in the scenario, the dilemma you are facing, and basically the app would present you with a set of choices and then lay out the possible outcomes of those choices, like, one choice could be, get out of the car and shout at the other driver, and the given outcome would be something like, this may lead to further conflict and result in a physical dispute. Choices which could possibly lead to negative outcomes are marked red, those with positive outcomes are marked green.

AA: OK.......So these are all things that you've personally experienced?

Joe: No not all of them.

AA: So how do you know the correct response to a particular situation?

Joe: Well it's all based on statistics and probability, like everything else really.

AA: But what if someone chooses the green option and then something bad happens, would you not be held accountable for that?

Joe: That's rarely happened, the app has mostly received positive feedback. A lot of people say it helps them to overcome their indecisiveness. It can also help those who are socially awkward in everyday conversations, gives them a list of appropriate responses to certain topics of discussion.

AA: And do you use this app yourself?

Joe: Occasionally.

AA: OK......and do you feel fulfilled doing this work?

Joe: What do you mean by fulfilled?

AA: Well, does it..................

Joe: People need apps, so....

AA: We also need fire fighters.

Joe: Really?

AA: Well, there's still some fires for you to battle out here, in RL. A lot less mind, that has been one solid benefit to all this technology, less crime, less fatalities. Not relating to VR that is.

Joe: I'm not ready for RL.

AA: But you will be. I'm going to be with you every step of the way. And the first step is, opening those blinds, get some natural light in here, slowly begin to confront the world outside of these walls. (Joe is hesitant, he stands and stares, contemplating) Go on, no need to be so dramatic about it. (Joe walks slowly towards the blind, he is reluctant to open it, he takes the pull string in hand, trembling at the thought of it) It's just like a plaster, the quicker you rip it off, the less painful it will be. (Joe squirms like a vampire trying to shield himself from the sun, he turns away from the window before pulling the string, raising the blind and allowing natural light to pore in. As the light abruptly fills the room AA lets out a gentle whimper as she is fully confronted by the messy state of Joe's flat, she mutters aside) My god, it's worse than I thought. Um, on second thoughts, close it for now. (Joe looks confused as he rolls the blind back up) First step, tidying this space. Tidy space, tidy mind. Once you accept your immediate surroundings, you'll be more inclined to....

Joe: I'll just order a cleaning drone. (Goes to reach for his computer keyboard, AA slaps his hand away) Ah!

AA: And what would happen if all the drones malfunctioned?

Joe: (Panicked) All the drones have malfunctioned!

AA: No! I'm speaking hypothetically. Stop getting your knickers in a twist. Christ.

Joe: (Trying to be clever) What if I were wearing twist proof knickers?

AA: (Rolls eyes, sarcastic) And they said creating a civilization on Mars would be man’s greatest achievement.

Joe: (Smug) I was speaking hypothetically.

AA: No, no you really wasn't. Perhaps you need to look up the definition in a dictionary.

Joe: (Truly perplexed) In a what?

AA: (Sighs) It's tragic that you're not even joking.

Joe: Look does it matter who cleans the space, as long as it's clean, right?

AA: Wrong! How are you going to get used to manual labour when you can't even do a bit of cleaning yourself?

Joe: I thought you were here to help.

AA: I am. I'm helping you to help yourself.

Joe: A hoover does that job.

AA: Ah yes, but there's one thing I can do that a hoover can't.

Joe: What's that? (AA gives him a slap across the back of the head) Argh! That's twice you've struck me!

AA: Welcome to reality. (Beat) I'm actually rather surprised you know what a hoover is.

Joe: Well I saw one being sold online the other day, it was a ridiculous price, must have been a collectors item.

AA: Yes, they must be extremely rare these days.

Joe: It was a weird one, named Harry I think.

AA: Henry, Henry the hoover.

Joe: Yeah that was it, and it had a face, what's that about?

AA: I think it was to encourage children to do their chores. Or maybe just give lonely people who are particularly untidy a friend. They even had a Hetty, which was the girl version. Though I don't think I've ever met a human Hetty come to think of it.

Joe: That's mad. Who would have a hoover as a friend?

AA: It's funny, people said the same about computers.

Joe: I'm not friends with the computer, I'm friends with.......

AA: The people sat behind them.

Joe: But they are people, and not Hoovers, that's the main thing.

AA: How do you know?

Joe: Ay?

AA: How do you know they're not Hoovers?

Joe: (Laughs) Because that's ridiculous.

AA: Is it? What's a cleaning drone then?

Joe: Oh that's different. They don't have names or faces. And their only programmed to clean.

AA: But what if one day they somehow developed a consciousness which surpassed their initial programming. (Sees a slight panic build from Joe) And before you self-destruct, I am once more speaking hypothetically.

Joe: Well if they did, there's no way they would name themselves Harry, or Hetty in fact. Ridiculous. (Beat, laughs to himself) Do you think they'll ever mate and produce offspring? Little baby Hoovers called.......(Shrugs shoulders) F**k knows.

AA: Less of that language.

Joe: Hey you hit me, twice! I could make a complaint to the company and have you fired.

AA: Then who would you have to talk to? Be ages until they send out another AA. Everyone's in a panic. In fact, you're lucky they even sent me. There's a waiting list as long as the great wall of China. So I suggest you cooperate, or I'll walk out that door now and you can order that Henry to keep you company. How's that sound?

Joe: OK, OK, sorry. I won't swear.

AA: Good. And I'll TRY not to hit you. (Beat) So what was your name?

Joe: Oh it's Joe, I thought you knew what......

AA: No, no, I know YOUR name, but, what was the name you gave to your.....

Joe: Owww, right, got ya, why?

AA: Just curious. I always think of what I would have named myself If I would have had the chance. Mmmm. Abigail, always liked that name.

Joe: Jared.

AA: No I don't think Jared suits me.

Joe: (Laughs) I was Jared.

AA: Ah. Quite similar to your own name. (Beat) You should have named yourself Sam, would have been fitting with your line of work.

Joe: (Laughs) Yeah, I didn't think of that at the time.

AA: So why Jared?

Joe: Um....just thought it sounded cool, that's all.

AA: What's wrong with Joseph?

Joe: It's just a bit, ordinary I suppose.

AA: Nothing ordinary about it. And Laurence is nice too.

Joe: (Sniggers) I'm not sure what's more out dated, my first name or my second name.

AA: Oh and Jared is new age is it?

Joe: It's less old fashioned than Joseph.

AA: I don't like the way Jared sounds, the way it rolls off the tongue, JARED (Quivers slightly), if you break it down into syllables and say it slowly, JA-RED, err! Leaves an unpleasant feeling in my mouth. Where's Joseph, JO-SETH, yes, that's much nicer, feels a lot better saying it.

Joe: Right......well, (Gives her a thumbs up with the words 'I like') I like Kathleen more than Abigail.

AA: Really?

Joe: Yeah, (Thumbs up) I like it.

AA: Joe, you don't need to give me a thumbs up every time you like something.

Joe: Sorry, force of habit.

AA: (Beat) ABI-GAIL, KATH-LEEN, KATH-LEEN, ABI-GAIL....mmmm, yes, I think you're right.

Joe: OK.........Is everyone out there like you?

AA: I should hope so, otherwise humanity doesn't stand a chance.

Joe: (Sniggers, beat, aside) He was a bit of a dick actually.

AA: Pardon?

Joe: I went to school with a Jared.

AA: Oh, was that when people actually WENT to school?

Joe: Yeah, and he was, well, everyone loved him, thought he was cool, was the most popular kid, but, he was.....I can't say.

AA: A penis?

Joe: (Laughs) Yeah. Especially to me.

AA: Because of your outdated names.

Joe: No. Coz.........it doesn't matter.

AA: OK. (Pause of silence)

Joe: (Sighs) I miss him though, which is probably the most frustrating part of it.

AA: You miss the boy who used to bully you?

Joe: No, no not, not him exactly, but, you know, his, my, oh I don't know!

AA: You liked his image? You wanted to be him? To feel powerful?

Joe: No I'd never hurt anyone else. Even if I were the strongest man in the world, or.......I just......I, I used to go to bed at night, and before closing my eyes, i'd pray that I'd wake up in the morning, in someone else’s body, someone who.....just someone that, well, had a better life than me I suppose.

AA: Who's to say he did? You know what they say about bullies, their people who are deeply insecure about themselves.

Joe: Yeah well, still. (Beat. Chuckles) He actually hit me less than you.

AA: Well then, you better do as I say. (Beat) So did you make him, you, to look like him, or did you make him, sorry, you, to look like you?

Joe: What!

AA: What I'm saying is, your avatar, or VR self, is what I should really say, did he look like you, or did you make him to look like Jared?

Joe: No I didn't look like Jared.

AA: You looked like you?

Joe: No I didn't look like me either, why on earth would I want to look like me if I had the choice, I mean what would be the point of........are you secretly a therapist?

AA: (Sarcastic) Yes, but I left my leather coach at home, so I'm off duty at the moment.

Joe: No but seriously, is this how you do it?

AA: Do what?

Joe: Is this step two or something? Get me to open up about my personal stuff so that, I don't know, I can......

AA: I never once asked you about your child hood.

Joe: Then why am I telling you all this!

AA: Because Joseph, It's hard to hide these things in reality. They come out naturally, it's all part of daily conversation.

Joe: And that's what you're trying to do is it, get me used to daily conversation?

AA: (Sniggers) Well surely the only way you can get used to having a conversation is by in fact having.....

Joe: I've had plenty of conversations!

AA: Face to face?

Joe: Yes!

AA: I mean in RL.

Joe: YES!

AA: In the last five years?

Joe: (Pause) Look, I know what to say, and what not to say. I'm good at constructing sentences.

AA: But it's not what you say in RL that matters, it's how you say it. For example, you can lie all you want in VR, no one will ever know the difference, however in RL, you tell a lie, and your face or tone of voice will give it away.

Joe: So you're saying I need to learn to mask the truth more?

AA: No, not at all! I'm saying you need to do the opposite.

Joe: And what's that?

AA: Accept your reality! As you may be stuck in it!

Joe: (Pause) I think I'd like you to leave now.

AA: Joseph look.......

Joe: No, it was a mistake me requesting you, I was just having a really bad day, that's all, it was a moment of weakness, but now, I'm fine, honestly, I don't need your help, I'll be fine. I am fine. Sorry if I wasted your time, but.......

AA: Joseph you're miss interpreting......

Joe: I'm not, I understand, I can deal with reality fine, as I said, I was just going through a rough patch, that's all, I wasn't thinking straight, but I am now, OK, so I don't need your......

AA: Listen! Stop denying how you feel! I know it's going to be hard, and it's OK to miss your virtual-self, it is, honestly, it's only natural, they were a large part of you, your existence, people everywhere are grieving, mourning their own artificial deaths. Some people can't let go of their avatars, in fact they've fallen into a state of imagining they exist in our reality, they look in the mirror and no longer see themselves. They've completely forgotten who they really are. Some people feel like their actual life is over, like they no longer exist, that every trace of them has vanished, they look in the mirror and see nothing, as if nothing was ever there before, before they invented themselves, which is not the truth, you're very much here, and you had a life before all of this, I just want you to remember that and to get back in touch......

Joe: I'll request another agent from the company. One that’s.....

AA: I told you, there's a long waiting......

Joe: I want a man.

AA: Why?

Joe: Because, I just think, um, if I have um.......if I have a male AA, he'll be able to......

AA: Give you advice on women?

Joe: What? No, why would you think I.....

AA: You thought I was someone else.

Joe: No I didn't.

AA: When you answered the door. For a second you thought I was.....

Joe: It's because I was expecting a man.

AA: A man masquerading as a women? Or.....

Joe: No! Just a......

AA: So you're not seeing anyone at the moment, or speaking to anyone I should say. Someone of romantic interest.

Joe: No!

AA: Now Joseph, that there is a prime example of what I meant, when I spoke to you about how you say things and what connotation they have.

Joe: I'm being honest.

AA: You're not. You think it will be easier for you to divulge your affections to a man, because he's more likely to understand and be able to offer you advice on how to reconnect with this person, because he's the same gender as you, and therefore you would feel less intimidated by the thought of revealing your vulnerabilities to him, but what if he's like Jared, ay? What if this man in particular, has no prior experience or knowledge of women, what if he's clueless, as most men are, no offence, even those with experience claim to know it all, when in fact they know nothing of our species. The only beings that truly understand women are women, so who better to talk to about women, than, a woman. Mmmm. Makes sense?

Joe: I'm not sure.

AA: Not sure it makes sense? Or not sure you're ready to take that leap. Because it will take trust, and understanding, and patience, and I know I possess all of those qualities. Question is, do you? Are you ready to make a real connection with someone? Coz I'm sure I can help you, help you reach out to this person. Give you the confidence to say, here I am, this is me. Or is it that you're more afraid of what awaits you? Whether they're in fact everything you've hoped for. Either way, I'm the best chance you have at making that connection. So, what do you say? (Pause of silence) It's a lot to process, I know. I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll leave you my personal number, give you some time to think about it, a day, and then if I haven't heard from you, I'll move onto another client, but if you do decide you're ready to take the next step forward, give me a ring. (Hands Joe a business card)

Joe: Can I email you?

AA: Ring me.

Joe: What about text?

AA: RING me. I'll ignore everything else. OK?

Joe: OK.

AA: Hopefully I'll see you again. But if not, good luck, I mean that, sincerely.

Joe: I know.

(AA exits and leaves Joe stood contemplating as he looks down at the business card. Ten seconds passes)

Joe: (Sniggers, mutters) I know. (Beat) Hold on. (A smile falls across Joe's face) I KNOW!!!!! (He quickly grabs his phone and dials the number on the business card) Kathleen, I know! No listen, I know, I mean, I knew, I knew you were being sincere, I knew you meant it! You didn't have to tell me. That means there's hope, that means I know the difference between the truth and a lie! Doesn't it? That means I stand a chance. Hello? (Suddenly there's a knock on the door) Hold on a second. (Opens the door to Kathleen who is stood on the phone to him)

AA: (Still talking down the phone) Yes, I think it does. (Joe suddenly hugs AA joyfully, she is startled) Woe! I think that's what they call a miracle breakthrough.

(Blackout)

Scene Three.

(Jared is sat on the park bench alone, he looks as if he's awaiting someone. He looks left and right, Veronica coyly creeps onto the stage and shyly approaches Jared, Jared looks past Veronica as if he doesn't recognise her, Veronica awkwardly stands near the bench and musters up the courage to start a conversation, Jared tries not to make eye contact with Veronica and seems uncomfortable by her presence)

Veronica: Um, hi, I um......

Jared: Sorry, I'm waiting for someone.

Veronica: Oh, um, I'm.......

Jared: Lost?

Veronica: No, this is where we said we'd meet, remember?

Jared: Um.....no, I think you're mistaking me for someone else.

Vernoica: Jared, right?

Jared: (Looking surprised) Yeah, how did you.......

Veronica: I'm veronica.

Jared: Who?

Veronica: Sorry I mean.....

Jared: I've never met you before in my life.

Veronica: I know, sorry I meant to say.....

Jared: You're kind of creeping me out.

Veronica: Sorry I didn't mean to.....

(Vienna appears on stage and walks over)

Vienna: Who's this?

Jared: I have no idea babe. (Leaps up and stands beside Vienna)

Veronica: No wait, wait, that's not.......

Vienna: Is she crazy?

Jared: I think so, C'mon, let's get out of here.

Vienna: Yeah, leave her alone.

(Jared and Vienna walk off hand in hand)

Veronica: No wait, wait! (They exit leaving her stood alone, heartbroken, she slumps down on the park bench and begins to sob)

(Blackout. A commercial plays for a new social app)

Advertisement (AV): Ever wondered if someone's going to be an a*s hole before you speak to them, and when you eventually get into a conversation with that person they inevitably turn out to be one.......well, those days of wonderment are a thing of the past, Get Appy presents the latest in a*s hole detection software, the a*s hole alert, simply download this app to your phone or tablet and you'll never have to worry about having a conversation with an unpleasant individual ever again.

(Lights up, Veronicas flat, which looks similar to Joe's. Veronica has fallen asleep at her computer desk, she is sobbing in her sleep, she awakes distressed and looks around her, realising the before scenario was just a dream. She checks Global Techs homepage to see if there's been any updates, but there hasn't, she sighs and wipes away her tears. She looks over at her robot dog which resembles a 'Teksta Robotic puppy' children’s toy, she begins to confide in it)

Veronica: Who needs men, ay Blue. My baby Blue. (Stroking the toy and interacting with it's features) Who's a good boy? You are, yes you are, yes you are. (Throws the ball accessory) Get the ball Blue, go on, get the ball. (No movement from Blue) Can't you see it, it's right there. Look! You silly thing you. (Moves to where the ball is, beside a full body mirror) C'mon, come get the ball Blue. (She starts clapping to signal Blue to move in the direction of the sound, the toy begins to slowly move towards the clapping) That's it, that's it come on. That's a good boy. Come to mummy.

(Vienna appears in the mirror next to Veronica, Veronica tries to ignore Vienna’s presence, Vienna voices Veronicas subconscious thoughts)

Vienna: Oh dear, is this what it's come to.

Veronica: That's it, almost there. (Blue reaches the ball and Veronica picks it up and attaches it to Blues mouth via magnetics) Good boy! See, no man would do that. Would he? No he wouldn’t.

Vienna: (Rolls eyes) You picked the ball up and put it in it's mouth.

Veronica: (Still directed towards Blue) No man would sit, roll over, bark, play dead, or do a back flip on command now would they?

Vienna: (Sniggers) If you looked like me they would.

Veronica: And where would I find a man that was as cute and as adorable as you, I wouldn't, because you're the cutest, and most adorable........

Vienna: It has no fur.

Veronica: (Snaps and turns towards the mirror) I'm allergic b***h!

Vienna: (Gasps) Someone's sensitive today!

Veronica: (Turning her attention back to Blue) Don't you listen to her, you're perfect the way you are.

Vienna: Is that you telling yourself or.......

Veronica: Do you want your bone Blue? C'mon, come get your bone boy. (Moving away from the mirror and towards a toy bone)

Vienna: I'm sure if you wore some more expensive make up, perhaps got some better clothes, maybe lose a bit of weight and......

Veronica: (Starts clapping really loudly to signal Blue to move towards the bone and to drawn out the sound of Vienna) Here boy!

Vienna: I'm just TRYING to help!

(Suddenly Jared appears in the mirror next to Vienna, Veronica stops clapping and stares)

Jared: I wouldn't waste your time. She has no hope.

Vienna: Yeah I'm starting to see that. I don't know what you ever saw in her.

Jared: Nothing. You're my one true love. Anyone else is inferior.

(Jared embraces Vienna and they begin to kiss passionately. Veronica cannot stand the sight of this, she grabs something to cover the mirror up with to block the image from her eyes. She then breaks down in tears while the robotic dog begins to digitally bark at the sound of stress. Slow fade on Veronica)

Scene Four.

(Lights up, Joe's flat, AA has set a table up in a restaurant setting, as she is walking him through a first date step by step)

AA: So the waiter, or waitress, will show you to your table, make sure she sits down first, and do not sit before she has.

Joe: OK. Shouldn't I pull her chair out for her?

AA: No, remember, this is reality, not some cheesy romance you've watched. If you do that, she may think you're overbearing. If you can, try and sit down in sync with her. So you both sit at the same time. There are a lot of sociologists that speak about the importance of symmetry and mirroring in establishing an instant connection with someone, whether there's any substance to that, is yet to be scientifically proven, however, let's give it a go. (AA and Joe try to sit down at the same time but are completely out of sync with one another, Joe is sat long before AA's bum has hit the chair, to the point where she is almost still standing) Let's try again. (Joe stands and they reattempt it) Always try and maintain eye contact, that way you'll have more indication. (They both begin to sit slowly, all the while Joe keeps his eyes on AA, to the point where he begins to do some strange hunched over squat as he sits, trying to keep his eyes firmly on her. This time AA is sat long before Joe) Now it just looks like you've got a bad case of piles.

Joe: (Slumps into the chair in a huff) Bloody hell! If this is just the first part of the date, I think I'm ready to go home, (Looks around sarcastically) oh wait, how convenient.

AA: OK, let's try it one more time. Just relax. (Suddenly the both stand perfectly in sync with each other, both look surprised) Now that's what we need on the way down.

Joe: Are you sure I can't just pull her seat out for her, that way we don't have to go through any of this awkwardness.

AA: It's not awkward. You're making it awkward. One more time. C'mon.

(This time they sit slightly out of sync but much better than before. Joe goes to immediately reach for the pretend menu which is just an A4 piece of paper with the sole word 'Menu' written on it)

AA: No don't bury your head in the menu immediately. You need to begin a report first. Show interest in her before you do the food.

Joe: (Looking at the almost blank piece of paper, laughs to himself) There's not much on offer anyway.

AA: (Stern) I'm getting the sense you're not taking this seriously. And if you're just going to mess about then......

Joe: Sorry, sorry. (Puts the menu down)

AA: Right. (Beat) So ask me a question.

Joe: Um.....how long have you been working for Global Tech?

AA: No, ask me a question that you'd ask her.

Joe: But how would you be able to answer it?

AA: I'll improvise, it's only an exercise.

Joe: Right, OK, um..........oh god, I don't know. Hold on. (Takes his phone out)

AA: What are you doing?

Joe: You know that app I made, the one that.......

AA: No, no, no, no! We'll have none of that, you put that phone away! You need to learn to live in the moment, back when I was courting it was considered rude to use your phone in the presence of another person.

Joe: But I don't know what to say!

AA: Well what do you usually talk about?

Joe: Um.........VR.

AA: Besides that. What do you know about her in real life?

Joe: Um.......(Long pause)

AA: Please don't tell me nothing.

Joe: Well, we usually don't discuss that. We talk about the things we do, while we're, you know, in the moment.

AA: OK, so in VR what are her hobbies and interests? What does she do?

Joe: Walks dogs.

AA: So she likes dogs, talk to her about dogs.

Joe: But we talk about that in VR all the time.

AA: (Lets out an aggravated grunt) Yes but we're not in VR at the moment. Does she have a dog in real life? (Joe shrugs his shoulders) Then perhaps that's a question you can ask.

Joe: OK. Do you have any dogs in real life?

AA: Yes, I have a little Jack Russell named Jack funny enough.

Joe: No that's her least favourite breed. Says they're too temperamental.

AA: (Lets out another grunt) As I said, it's just an exercise in conversing. We're just improvising here.

Joe: Well I've got to be honest, a Jack Russell named Jack, that's not very imaginative, and if we're only improvising, why can't I make the questions up? In fact, why can't I just ask you questions about yourself?

AA: Because, because.....that's not how it works.

Joe: Really? I think it's because you don't want to share anything personal with me.

AA: I think we should just focus more on the logistics and general etiquette, hopefully the conversation will flow naturally.

Joe: No, no, you said.......

AA: (Taking a 'Menu') Lets move onto ordering, the doe’s and don’t s.

Joe: But I don't feel ready to order. I want to talk more.

AA: (Deflecting) Obviously you don't want to rush her into making a decision and when the waiter or waitress comes over, eventually, always gesture for her to order first, though naturally the waiter or waitress should......

Joe: Do you have a partner?

AA: Why ask that question? Do you expect she's using VR to escape a relationship?

Joe: I'm asking YOU, here, now, in RL.

AA: Why are you adamant on.......

Joe: A conversation is a two way thing, is it not?

AA: Yes it is, but I'm trying......

Joe: Then for me to open up to you, you must first open up to me. (Beat, says with a smirk) There's no need to make this awkward.

AA: (Sighs, puts down the menu) Fine. (Beat) No, I don't have a partner.

Joe: OK. So when was the last time you went out on a date?

AA: (Pause) It's been a while.

Joe: How long exactly?

AA: (Gets slightly emotional) You know it's not very gentlemanly to ask these sort of questions. Of any woman.

Joe: OK. I'll change the subject. How long have you worked for Global Tech?

AA: (Composes herself) About eight years now.

Joe: Why work for the worlds largest cyber-tronic company if you hate computers and technology?

AA: Because ironically this was the only job I could get which involved some actual human interaction. (Beat) Were you a fireman in RL before VR? (Joe shakes his head) Then you'll have to go through years of training if you want to continue.

Joe: What if I just get an office job? I could manage that, I'd say I was pretty qualified.

AA: (Sniggers) From knocking down fire walls to putting them up. (Beat) OR, you could always get a job as a waiter, I'm sure they're going to be in demand more now. Now that people will be forced out of their homes to eat sociably.

Joe: (In jest) Then maybe we should try a different role play. See if I got what it takes.

AA: OK. You stand up and be the waiter, (Joe stands and assumes the position of a waiter playfully) ask me what I would like to order.

Joe: What would you like to order, maim? Would they say maim?

AA: Actually I would like to make a complaint.

Joe: Oh, and what is the complaint? Maim?

AA: There's nothing on this menu!

(Both laugh, Joe sits back down not being able to think of a witty come back)

Joe: Mmmm. I don't think I'm cut out for this.

AA: Perhaps not.

Joe: (Beat) Why did it all go wrong?

AA: Why did what go wrong?

Joe: Why exactly did VR crash?

AA: Simple explanation, it was over populated.

Joe: Right. (Beat) Hold on, so, what will happen to.....I mean, so now....do you think the same could happen in RL?

AA: Are you asking whether I think the world will crash because now more people will actually be living in it?

Joe: Yeah.

AA: (Laughs) Your guess is as good as mine.

Joe: Well that's reassuring.

AA: No look, the world existed long before all these advances in technology, I'm sure things will return to as they were before.

Joe: But that's not necessarily a good thing, is it? You said yourself crime has decreased.

AA: Yes but so has forestation and fossil fuels.

Joe: We used to love going to the park. Me and V.

AA: There are still some remaining, though don't expect no crystal clear HD ultra bright green green grass. I would love to be able to say the grass is greener on the other side, but, on this occasion......

Joe: Have you ever spent any time in VR yourself?

AA: (Pause) I think it's more important at the moment that we speak about.....

Joe: Have you? I suppose you would have to, surely, to be able to sympathise, like when people are trying to get off drugs and they go to those meetings. Where they all sit down and talk about their addiction.

AA: (Tongue in cheek) You mean AA meetings?

Joe: Yeah well, you've got to have experienced what they have in order to truly understand what it's like, right?

AA: Indeed.

Joe: So you must have at some point.......

AA: It wasn't my choice, I didn't instigate it.

Joe: What do you mean?

AA: If anything it just made things worse.

Joe: What did? VR?

AA: It's like what I said earlier, plasters always hurt less if you rip them off immediately.

Joe: (Baffled) OK I know my conversational ability is limited somewhat, but I'm pretty sure you're not making any sense right now.

AA: (Pause) I haven't always worked in the AA department of Global Tech, no, before that I worked in operations, and......anyway, after my husband died I....

Joe: You were married.

AA: I was, a long time, and.....

Joe: I'm sorry.

AA: (Blunt) Stop interrupting me. I....

Joe: Sorry. (AA gives Joe a dagger stare) Sorry for saying sorry and for......sorry, carry on, I'll shut up, I promise.

AA: Well I was rather upset as you could imagine, and anyway, before he died, he uploaded himself as an avatar, virtual-self, whatever, whatever it was, it wasn't him, not really, not my, my wonderful, handsome, funny, loyal Robert. Robert was now a Robot(Sniggers), a thing disguised as a person. A computer programme, pre-recorded and fabricated to emulate the man I once loved. He must have spent hours recording his voice, capturing his motions, movements, facial expressions, all valuable time he could have been spending with me, in reality. Instead he was sat behind a desk occupied with trying to preserve his life where there could be no life, not really. You see he knew he was dying and that was his final gift to me, a carbon copy, but it wasn't, not really, it had none of his imperfections, nothing that made him, human. Not his mammoth mole. His big fury mammoth mole, which formed the base of most of our conversations. That's how he first introduced himself, “Hi my names Robert, but you can just call me mole” (Laughs to herself briefly, before turning cold once more) And I stared at this mole-less thing for days, interacted with it, and all I kept thinking was, you robbed me. You robbed me of that precise time we could have had together. And so I deleted him, it, whatever (Pause).

And THEN, what's even more absurd is, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for doing it. I mean REALLY guilty, as if I had killed him myself. And it was like loosing him all over again. (Pause) And then finally, hate, hate set in, hate for him putting me through this torture, hate that, that this was my last memory of my husband. This is what he left me. So much hate. Which should have been love. (Beat, sniggers) They sent me to an AA to help me get through the grieving process, and it actually helped, to my surprise, it helped, just to have someone to talk to, an actual person, instead of an automated voice or service. As I hadn’t' spoken to any person in months since Robert died. But I always felt that they thought, in some way, I was grieving over Robert the robot, instead of Robert the.......anyway, that's when I decided to transfer over to the AA department. That’s' when I realised that there was no future in this virtual s**t.

Joe: (Mutters, breaking the tension) Language.

AA: Sorry. (Beat) To be honest, we're not even supposed to get you fully adjusted, as we're always secretly hoping things will be restored and you'll be able to return to normal, but it's not normal, not at all. Being completely honest, I was speaking to another man who, really, I don't think will ever be able to return to reality, for his safety, as well as ours. He's grown so distant, so disillusioned, that I reckon, if he were to have to live his life out there, he'd end up a murderer, or worse. So I can't, with all my heart, lie to you, and tell you that you're stepping out into a better world. However, I can assure you that, whatever happens to you, or what has happened, what will happen.......love will make up for it. Love will make it all seem worth while. And I can't explain that feeling to you, or simulate it, or.......you just have to experience it for yourself.

Joe: I think I have.

AA: You can't think when it comes to love, you have to know. And I can assure you, as much as you THINK you've experienced it, you probably haven't even scratched the surface, how could you? I mean physically, and literally. (Bean) Even this in itself is false, a façade, what we're doing here. This role play, it's not reality, it's pretend, and as much as I can prepare you for the outside world hypothetically, that's all it is, hypothetical. You need to go out there and live it, for yourself.

Joe: I did, for a while, and I'm pretty scarred from it.

AA: You'll struggle to find anyone who isn't. The important thing is that you carry on.

Joe: I mean it's worse than you think. (Beat) But I can hide it well.

AA: Then it sounds like we have a lot more in common than first thought.

Joe: (Pause) So you think I should just take the plunge?

AA: Well first, re-establish contact, send her an email. As you, not Jared.

Joe: But what if she doesn't like me? What if she only wants him?

AA: Have you thought about it vice versa?

Joe: Um, I think that, well I hope that, once we start talking, face to face, it will seem like, there's not much difference. Maybe, I don't know.

AA: Well there must be some aspects of yourself in your avatars. Yours personality, and, other things.

Joe: Yeah, I guess. (Beat) I just.......don't want to mess this up.

AA: Believe it or not, we're not overly complicated beings, us women, despite what I said, sometimes we just want someone to listen. You make sure you do that, and I think you'll be fine. After all, that's all you've been doing whilst we've been sat here, and you've done a pretty good job so far, so I'm sure you're quite capable of surviving a first date.

Joe: Let me guess, it's the second one I need to worry about.

AA: No, I'd say worry about everything, only way to ensure you're completely on the ball.

Joe: Don't worry, I think I've mastered the art of worrying.

AA: (Laughs) Good. It will serve you well.

Joe: Now I just need to actually make contact.

AA: And how are you going to do that?

Joe: Well I only have her email so.......

AA: Then do what you do best. Send an email. (Joe laughs. Beat) I tell you what, why don't we actually go for a meal? A real one. Go to a real restaurant, where they actually serve food.

Joe: Um, I don't......

AA: A friendly meal of course. You could even say I was your grandma or something, if it makes you feel better.

Joe: I never met my grandma. Always wanted to though.

AA: I never had a grandson. Though always wanted one.

Joe: Weird. Life ay.

AA: Yeah. (Beat) Well, how about, just for today, we pretend.

Joe: (Pause, thinks) OK, yeah, let's do it, why not?

AA: Exactly, why not? I'll try not to embarrass you in public, however, that is after all a grandmas duty.

Joe: (Laughs) Where exactly shall we go?

AA: Let's just see where our feet take us. Yeah?

Joe: (Smiles) Yeah OK. (Both stand and make their way towards the door)

AA: Wherever we go, let's just hope there's more choice on the menu.

(Both laugh. Blackout)

Act Two.

Scene One.

(There's a split screen, Joe is sat at his computer trying to compile an email to send to Veronica, which we see via AV, Veronica is sat looking depressed as she is gluing fur onto her robotic dog)

Joe: (Mumbling to himself as his fingers are poised over the keys, he deliberates) OK, OK, let's see.....Good evening, no, no, that's too formal......Hey, hi, hello......how are you? Yeah, hello, how are you? Nice and simple. (He types out “Hello, how are you?”, but then changes his mind and deletes it) No that sounds too informal. (He mashes his hands on the keys in frustration) Argh! What would bloody Jared say! (Joe closes his eyes and thinks)

(Jared appears and stands behind Joe, as Joe tries to tap into Jareds stream of concious)

Jared: Hey treacle, long time no speak. Fancy hooking up soon?

Joe: I am NOT writing that!

Jared: What! Girls like confidence!

Joe: It's too flippant!

Jared: You're too flippant!

Joe: Very mature.

Jared: (In a childlike mocking voice) Very mature.

Joe: Oh god.

Jared: Do you want me to work my charm or not?

Joe: Let me just think.

Jared: You'll be thinking all day. Look, just let me do it. (Pushes him out of the way of the keyboard and takes over, he types, “Hi babe, how have you been? Xx”, and steps away) There. Simple. Send it. (Joe reviews it, he deletes the word 'babe') Bloody hell. (He then poises his clicker over the send button, contemplating some more, he then deletes the 'X's') Oh for Christ’s sake! Just send it! (Joe returns to the send button, but gives it one last thought)

Joe: Hold on. (He types below the initial message, 'This is Joe by the way', he then stops and thinks) No wait, she won't know who that is. (He deletes the word 'Joe', and replaces it with 'Jared')

Jared: Perfect. Now send it! (Joe clicks on the send button) But wait, what if she is expecting me, and let's face it, you're no me. (Joe lets out an aggravated grunt)

Oh well, too late now.

(A notification sound catches Veronica off guard, she freezes for a moment, before leaping to her feet and running over to her computer to check, carried by excitement and wonder, she opens up her emails to read Joe's message, a big smile falls across her face)

Veronica: Oh my god! Blue! He actually got in touch! Oh my god.......what do I say? Um........ (She poises her fingers over the keys and begins to contemplate a response)

Joe: (Sighs) Now it's just the waiting game.

Veronica: Err......(Begins to type what she is saying) Hey......I've.........

Vienna: (Appearing in the mirror) Don't message him back immediately you'll seem desperate (Veronica stops, contemplating further). Oh wait, I just realised, you are (Sniggers). Don't let him know that though.

Veronica: (Lets out an aggravated grunt and continues to type, muttering the words) I've been OK.....

Vienna: Have you though? Really?

Jared: She might not even reply, then what are you going to do?

Veronica: Thank you for asking. How have you been? (Veronica quickly sends the message desperate to reply)

Joe: (Receiving the message with an excited look) Wow, that was quick! (Reads the message with Jared standing over his shoulder)

Jared: Owwwww, she's OK, you know what that means, she hasn't missed you.

Joe: (A glum look falls over Joe's face, beat) No actually, that means she hasn't missed YOU.

Jared: (The glum look then falls upon Jared's face, beat) Well obviously that can't be possible, she's obviously just saying that, so we don't think that she is.

Joe: Mmmmmm. What if she doesn't actually care? What if it was just a bit of fun to her, and she's actually already got someone, you know, out there.

Veronica: (Pondering over her response, as she desperately awaits a reply) S**t, maybe I should have said more, been more honest.

Vienna: Oh no, I do not think you should tell him what you are doing currently.

Joe: Or maybe she doesn't think I care that much, I mean, that message was a bit casual. And it has been a long time since we spoke. Maybe I should have got in touch sooner. Maybe she's moved on. (Beat) Maybe I should just be completely honest and tell her, tell her I've missed her, and that.......

Jared: You don't want to go pouring your heart out via email.

Joe: Then what do I reply?

Jared: Keep it casual. She'll want you more for acting cool about it, than she will if you go all gun ho on her.

Joe: Will she though?

Jared: Yeaahhhh. Trust me. Women don't want you to be THAT open about how you feel. Remember, strong silent type, always a winner.

Joe: Mmmmm. (Poises his fingers over the keys contemplating his next response)

Veronica: Oh god, what if he doesn't reply? What if that was it? And I blew it.

Joe: I'll just pretend I'm OK as well then.

Jared: Great idea.

Joe: (Typing as he mutters the words) Yeah me too. Glad to hear you're OK. Hovers the clicker over the send button but hesitates. Beat) Oh this is bullocks!

Jared: What?

Joe: I'm not OK. And I didn't spend all that time with Kathleen to pretend that I am.

Jared: Oh don't listen to her, she's a dinosaur! She's more ancient than facebook and more obsolete than twitter!

Joe: And listening to you has got me much further hasn't it?

Jared: Well you've only let me send one email so far, give it a chance!

Joe: I think I've let you dictate my life for far too long. It's me sat behind this computer, not you! (Begins rapidly typing, we see it appear on screen, 'To be honest, I've been quite down recently.......)

Jared: (Pushes him away from the keyboard) No wait! You're going to say something stupid!

Joe: F**k it! It's MY life! Not YOURS! F**k off!

Jared: (Gasps) Fine! But one day, when you need my help, and you will, I won't be there, you'll be on your own! (Storms off the stage)

Joe: (Laughs to himself, mutters) I am on my own. (Continues to write the message, the finished message reads, “To be honest, I've been quite down recently, I haven't been coping too well without VR, and I've really missed our conversations, sorry if that sounds too forward, it's just the way I feel. Of course I understand if you're not bothered about staying in contact with me”. He takes in a deep breath and hits send)

Veronica: (Receiving the message) He's replied. (Reading it she becomes slightly emotional) Oh my god, he's missed me, he's actually missed me!

Vienna: Well, actually, I think you'll find, he's missed ME.

Veronica: (Sighs) I'll just have to tell him the truth.

Vienna: Oh because that never ended miserably did it?

Veronica: Well there's a big chance that if I don't look like my avatar than, he might not either.

Vienna: Yeah, he's probably ugly. He'd have to be.

Veronica: There's more to a person than looks!

Vienna: Is there?

Veronica: I've had it with you! (Veronica grabs something and throws it over the mirror so she can't see Vienna)

Vienna: Oi! Don't you dare!

Veronica: Shut up.

Vienna: Get this grubby thing off of me!

Veronica: I said shut up! Or I'll smash you! (Silence. Veronica begins to type a reply, she writes, “Oh my god, I feel exactly the same way, I feel so cut off from everything, I didn't think you would bother to get in touch with me, I'm so glad that you did, though you should really know, I don't exactly look like my avatar, in fact, I look quite different, but, I'm still a good person at heart and.........”.

(She continues to type, we fade to black. There is a news report displayed on the AV screen)

Reporter: King William and Queen Katherine are expecting their sixth child, they plan to name the child Baroosh, after their favourite cocktail bar in Cambridge, something tells me they may have been slightly intoxicated when making that decision. In other news, it's been almost a month since global tech software crashed worldwide due to an unannounced technical fault, and it appears not everyone is coping well with the sudden change in lifestyle. There have been several legal actions taken against global tech and the company faces the threat of being sued up to the sum of over a billion pounds, as hundreds of people, worldwide, have filed for legal action and have made claims that their lives, and general health, have suffered greatly due to the, and I quote, “overwhelming absence of social stability”. Global tech have released a number of public apologies, however continue to offer little to no information on the fault itself and when the technical difficulties will be resolved, or in fact, if they will be resolved at all. Many online protests have emerged and it seems global tech cannot escape the mass wrath of bloggers and viral pirates who are demanding immediate answers. More extremist actions have been taken by some groups, who have actually resorted to protesting in person. Yesterday in the heart of central London a group of people were seen standing together outside a global tech office, each person had a tablet in hand and were sending several collated emails expressing outrage and dissatisfaction.

I have here one of the emails in question and it reads, “To whom it may concern, I am writing to you now from outside one of your central London branches so that there can be no doubt that this email has been received, as I know there have been some issues and complications regarding signal failure, due to a large amount of digital traffic, however I am standing about ten feet away from the entrance of the building, watching your office workers sat at their computers through the glass panels, so I know this email will be received without complication, as it appears your staff are using their computers without difficulty. This is the drastic length I have had to go to in order to have my voice heard, as my previous emails have been ignored and my questions unanswered, this is no longer acceptable and I, along with many others, who are also situated outside of your London branch, are demanding more immediate action. If you do not respond to this email within the next hour, me and my fellow protesters will have no other choice but to enter the premises and demand to speak to one of your representatives in person. We should not be forced into this situation, or have to take such drastic measures as this, however unfortunately, based on current circumstances, we feel these next steps are necessary, however would like to avoid any further confrontation, if possible. We await your response”.

Drastic words there from a drastic person who has clearly been pushed to the edge of their breaking point by the recent turn of events. It's reported that after a short while stood outside of Global Techs central office, the group of protesters retreated to a local coffee shop, with wi-fi, to continue their barrage, however were not sighted returning to their post outside. Perhaps they received the response they desired. Never the less, people have been behaving in peculiar ways all across the world since the technical collapse of Global Tech, as crime rates have increased in a number of countries. In the UK crime rates have increased by 17%, in America there has been a 28% increase, in France only 9%, and in Japan, crime rates have increased by a whopping 67%, full statistics can be found on our website, but it is predicted these rates will continue to increase by 2% each week until Global Techs software is restored to full capacity. The government have just

pumped a considerable amount of money into the funding of adjustment agency services and other organisations that work towards the safe main streaming of society, so hopefully, with this new financial backing, those in desperate need of support during this emotional crisis, will receive the help they need in order to live a healthy, proactive, stable, sustained life. Though of course, only time will tell. (AV snaps to black)

(Lights up, Veronica has a remote in one hand and a make up bag in the other)

Veronica: Pfft! Time, how much time do those global tech idiots want. (She throws down the remote) Maybe I should look into suing, at least get some money out of it. What do you think Blue? Say I'm emotionally distressed, which technically isn't lying, I am. Do I want everyone knowing that though? Mmmmm.

(Veronica is getting ready to go out, she is making herself look presentable and is using a small hand held mirror, which is proving to be difficult. The full body mirror is still covered up. As she is getting ready she is nervously speaking to Blue in attempt to distract herself from her feelings of nervousness and worry, she seems in an erratic state. Blue has had some fake fur stuck on him)

Veronica: Mummy's got a date tonight, yes she has, yes she has. But don't worry, I won't neglect you, no I wont, no I wont, you'll always be the number one man in my life. Yes you will, yes you will. And if he doesn't like you, then, he can, well, sod off, yes he can, yes he can. But I'm sure he's going to love you, yes he will, yes he will. I mean, C'mon, who wouldn't? You cutie pie you, yes you are, yes you are. (Pause) So, what do you think Blue? How does mummy look? Be honest. (Blue barks) Oh Blue, was that a, woof whistle(Giggles at her own joke). Ah god, I've got to stop that or he'll think I'm mad. Yes he will, yes he will. And I'm not, no I'm not, no I'm not. (Pause) OK, maybe a little. Yeah, maybe I should sue. At least then I can blame it on them. (Beat) Right, think I've got everything (Pats herself down and checks her belongings in her handbag, stops with a new train of thought). What if he pulls out a ring? Oh god. (Gulps) What if he pulls out a ring and I, I don't actually like him, what do I, what do I say then? What do I do? Oh god. (Beat) No of course he wont, there you are, over thinking things again. (Continues what she was doing, suddenly stops again) But what if he does, and what if I do really like him, what if I say yes, I mean, I could say yes, in the heat of the moment, my god I could be engaged by tomorrow. (Beat) No, no, stop it! It's just one date. That's all, one date. (Beat, takes in a deep breath) OK, wish me luck Blue, and you be a good boy for mummy while I'm gone. You hear? I won't be too long, I don't think. No need to wait up. (Goes to walk out the door and turns back to glance over at the full body mirror, contemplating checking her appearance one last time) No, no I don't need your opinion. Not tonight. (Turns back around and goes to leave, but hesitates again, having another sudden thought, turns back)

Although, I may need something, yeah, maybe, I mean, you heard what they said on the news, what was it, a 16% percent increase, yeah, better to be safe than sorry. (She grabs a sharp instrument from her belongings and shoves it in her bag, she goes to leave again but hesitates once more) No wait, what if it somehow falls out of my bag and he sees it, and thinks I'm some sort of a psycho or something, that I've just met up with him so that I can, I don't know, seduce him and then skin him alive.......no, no, don't be stupid, (She takes the instrument out of her bag), he's probably just as scared as I am, (Laughs to herself) though doubt he's going to be bringing a weapon to a first date, (Beat) though you do hear stories about this sort of thing........ No actually I will take it, (Puts it back in her bag, contemplates again) but what if I'm stopped by the police and they want to do a random search, especially with all what's going on out there, I reckon that's more likely to happen now, and knowing my luck I'll be the one that’s stopped and....no, no, leave it, just leave it, you'll be fine, (Takes it out again) you're over thinking things, as usual. Nothings going to happen. The only thing that will happen, is I'll be late if I stand here and keep jabbering, so......(Moves to the door once more but then has another sudden thought) What If I'm burgled? Oh shut up, now you are being silly, that's never happened before, so why would it happen.......ah, well, I've always been in, so, less risk of that happening, but now that I'm actually going out, who's going to.......Blue, yeah, you'll keep watch of the place, won't you boy? (Silence) My god, this is too much, I don't think I can cope with the stress. No, shut up, you're being ridiculous Vienna, absolutely.......

Vienna: (From behind the sheet) What?

Veronica: Shut up! I'm not talking to you!

Vienna: You said my name!

Veronica: Oh for f***s sake! You have one foot out the door already, there's no turning back now. One small step for woman, one giant leap for womankind. (She takes in a deep breath and forces herself out of the door, slamming it shut and locking it, she makes sure it's locked several times by banging on the door and pushing the handle. She moves away from the door, there's a brief pause of silence before there is the sound of the door being unlocked again, Veronica runs back in and grabs the sharp instrument, shoving it in her bag and zipping it up, she also picks up Blue and places him closer to the door) You hear any sound, you bark. (She claps to test the sound activation device, Blue barks in response. She then leaves again and locks the door behind her, she bangs on it and sets Blue off, she says with a feeling of relief from the outside) Good boy.

(Exits)

(The lights go down on Veronicas side of the stage and come back up on Joe who is also getting ready for the date. AA is helping him to dress smart. AA does the top button of his shirt up, Joe winces)

Joe: Ah. That's really tight.

AA: Shut up. You look good. Now do you remember the five P's?

Joe: Um, punctuality, persistence, positivity, err.....politeness?

AA: Yep. One more.

Joe: Err......my minds gone blank. It's the nerves.

AA: Praise. For yourself and for others.

Joe: Ah yes. Then let me start off by saying, thank you so much for everything you've done for me, honestly, you've been absolutely.....

AA: It's my job.

Joe: No it's not, you've gone beyond what's expected and......

AA: Shhh. You'll get me all emotional, and neither of us need that right now. Just email me after to let me know how it went.

Joe: (Sniggers) I'll ring you.

AA: (Laughs) Wow, you are a changed man.

Joe: I don't actually brush up bad do I.

AA: No you don't. And if you need any more advice, I mean, besides dating, don't hesitate to get back in contact.

Joe: I'll contact you either way.

AA: (Smiles) Thank you.

Joe: No. Thank you.(Joe smiles and goes in for a hug but AA steps back)

AA: You don't want to get all creased before your date.

Joe: Ah yes. Good point.

AA: (Drawing back on her emotions) As I said, it's my job.

Joe: Is bodyguard in your job description?

AA: Don't be silly, you're going to be fine, everything’s going to be fine. There'd be no news if things weren’t blown slightly out of proportion.

Joe: Just slightly? Because even you said.......

AA: Shh!!!! Lets not go back on ourselves, forward, that's the direction we want to go. (Playfully pushes him towards the door)

Joe: Wait! I haven't brushed my teeth yet!

AA: (Pulls him backwards and puts on a robotic voice) This person is reversing.

Joe: (Laughs) If things don't work out with Global Tech, you could always get a job as one of those people who do the automated voices for things.

AA: As I said, I'm trying to avoid technology as much as possible.

Joe: You can't avoid all technology, that's IMpossible.

AA: No, but I can avoid the subject of it. So where exactly are you two off to tonight?

Joe: I've done a lot of extensive research and found this place that’s fairly local, think it will appeal to the both of us.

AA: When you say 'extensive' research, what exactly do you.....actually, don't answer that. Just go brush your teeth, you don't want to be late.

(Joe exits the stage to go to the bathroom, there's a sudden scream of panic which makes AA jump)

AA: What's happened!

Joe: (Runs back on with an electric toothbrush in his hand and a look of panic) It's dead!

AA: I don't suppose you have a manual.

Joe: I do, it's in the box, I kept it.

AA: Then use that. Simple.

Joe: What! How!

AA: What do you mean how! Oh for Christ sake, go get it and I'll show you! (Joe runs off again, AA mutters) Doesn't bloody know how to use a manual toothbrush, there really is no hope for him. (Joe runs back on with a booklet, AA looks confused) What's that?

Joe: The manual! For the electronic toothbrush.

AA: (Is momentarily speechless, she then bursts into laughter) Oh dear.

Joe: What! This is serious!

AA: I meant a........never mind.

Joe: This will take at least half an hour to charge.

AA: Look, you'll have to make do with a mint, or two. (Takes out a packet of mints and gives them to Joe) Though do you really think you're going to get that far on a first date?

Joe: Well, we've kissed before.

AA: Yes but.......

Joe: Yeah I know what you're going to say, but, it must mean she wants to.

AA: Mmmm. Sometimes it's not that easy to follow your desires, not when your......anyway, you'll find out for yourself. And that's what tonight’s all about, discovering, yourself, and, well, whatever comes your way.

Joe: As long as it's not a mad man with a gun.

AA: It's OK, I'm sure you'll be able to use your smelly breath to deter them (Laughs to herself).

Joe: Right that's it, I'm cancelling!

AA: No you're not! (Grabs him by the scruff of the neck and drags him to the door)

Joe: Argh! You're creasing my shirt! (Has a sudden thought) Wait! (Pushes AA's arm away)

AA: What!

Joe: What if she's expecting a ring?

AA: Then ring her, simple.

Joe: No, no, I don't mean that kind of.......

AA: (Laughs) And I thought a kiss was pushing it.

Joe: Oh I'm just being silly, never mind, I doubt she's expecting anything.

AA: Except for you being on time, now come on! Shift it! (Gives him one last push to the door).

(Blackout)

Scene Two.

(Lights up, Veronica is stood on stage alone, she is looking all around her, very paranoid of her surroundings. She is stood outside of a restaurant, there's a sign for the restaurant which reads 'Swan Lounge'. Joe wonders onto stage and sees Veronica, he stops and awkwardly makes eye contact with her before looking away immediately, Veronica is slightly more on edge with his presence, she glances over at him briefly and then looks away again, the two stand apart and keep glancing over at each other when the other appears not to be looking in their direction. It is clear that both want to start a conversation, but don't know how. They both keep checking their phones, Joe types and sends a text, a few seconds after Veronica's phone goes off, she looks down at her phone and reads the message, she laughs and looks directly over at Joe)

Veronica: Sorry, I wasn't sure whether......I wasn't being rude, I just......

Joe: It's fine, I wasn't sure myself. I didn't want to scare you away if you were waiting for someone else. So I thought I'd double check.

Veronica: Yeah. At least now I know you're not a murderer or anything.

Joe: (Laughs awkwardly) No, not me. (Awkward silence)

Veronica: You were probably expecting someone a bit more....you know.....

Joe: No, no, no, well, I'm not exactly......we're both......it doesn't matter, does it, really?

Veronica: No, exactly, yeah, I mean, it's just......It's just nice, to meet you.

Joe: Yeah, nice to meet you too. (They stand once more in silence) So shall we....(Gestures to the restaurant)

Veronica: Yes, yes, of course.

Joe: (Walks ahead but then falls back slightly, allowing Veronica to go first) Sorry, ladies first.

Veronica: Thank you.

(They enter the restaurant and are greeted by a waiter)

Waiter: Table for two?

Joe: Yes. If that's OK.

Waiter: Yep, this way please. (Leads them to a table)

(The table the waiter leads them to appears to have a candle in the centre, Joe is hesitant to approach)

Waiter: (Looking back at Joe who has stalled) There's other tables free if this ones not to your liking.

(Veronica stands waiting for Joe to approach, he seems uptight)

Joe: Um, it's just, err, is it possible to have that candle put out?

Waiter: Yeah sure, it's battery operated. (Picks it up and flips a switch)

Joe: (Looks relieved) Oh, sorry, I thought it was real. (Moves towards the table)

Veronica: (Laughs) That must be the fire-fighter in you.

Waiter: (Hands a tablet to both of them) Your menus. (Looks strangely at them as they are both still stood) Do you guys want to.....

Joe: It will probably be easier If you just sit down first.

Veronica: Oh, OK. (Sits down)

Waiter: (Sniggers) You're a true gentleman sir. (Joe sits down after Veronica)

Joe: (Looking down at the tablet in his hand) So what do we.......

Waiter: (Leaning over Joe's shoulder and demonstrating) Basically, this is our menu, you just scroll through, if you're looking for a particular type of dish, you've got subcategories over here, obviously drinks are under drinks, if you know exactly what you want, you can just type the name of the dish or whatever it into the search bar at the top here, and you should find it straight away, anything you want to order, just click on order, and it will send it straight through to the kitchen, and when it's ready, I'll bring it over to you, simple as that. But we do take all payments up front, so before your order is finalised, it will ask you for payment, then you just whack your card details in, or if it's a swipe you can just swipe it down there, or if it's contactless, just give it a tap. Pretty standard stuff really.

Joe: What if I want to pay with cash?

Waiter: (Slaps him on the shoulder) Ha! We've got a comedian in tonight.

Veronica: Mine doesn't seem to be working.

Waiter: (Looks over at Veronica's) Ah, looks like it's run out of charge. Damn it! (Mutters) Was supposed to do that at lunch. I'll get you another one. (Takes the tablet from her, mutters as they walk off) Hopefully their not all dead.

Joe: It's OK. We can just do it all on this one.

Veronica: Would we be able to split the bill that way though?

Joe: It's alright, I'll pay.

Veronica: No it's OK.

Joe: No honestly I don't mind.

Waiter: Well you can just separate your orders, but I'll get you another one anyway encase.

Veronica: OK. Thank you. (Waiter exits)

Joe: Honestly I don't mind paying.

Veronica: That's very kind of you, but I can pay for myself.

Joe: OK. (Awkward silence, Joe mutters to himself) The five P's.

Veronica: What was that?

Joe: Oh just err....I fancy some peas.

Veronica: Ah right.

(Silence)

Joe: Seems like a nice place.

Veronica: Yeah, yeah it does. (Awkward silence) So......

Waiter: Here you are. (Gives Veronica another tablet) Fully charged.

Veronica: Thank you.

Waiter: If you encounter any problems or need any further assistance, there's an assistance button, just give that a tap and me or someone else should be straight over.

Veronica: OK. Thank you very much.

Waiter: Oh and if at any point during the evening the conversation seems to be lagging, we do have a series of games built in and other entertainment apps for you to chose from, which you can access from the play panel in your left hand corner there.

Joe: OK, great, thanks.

(The waiter exits once more, leaving them in another awkward silence. Veronica buries her head in the tablet, Joe does the same, for a while they avoid eye contact, even when speaking to one another)

Joe: Wow, they've got quite a lot to choose from. Food I mean.

Veronica: Yeah, loads. Going to be difficult deciding.

Joe: Yeah, no idea what I'm going to get.

Veronica: Didn't you want peas?

Joe: Oh yes that's right, I did, didn't I. Peas, peas, peas. Peas please (Laughs to himself).

(Silence)

Joe: What are you going to have to drink?

Veronica: Um.....still haven't decided that yet either.

Joe: Me neither, though I think I'll just keep it simple and get a Coke double zero.

Veronica: There bringing out a triple zero soon.

Joe: Oh wow, I'll be interested in finding out what that tastes like.

Veronica: Probably nothing.

Joe: (Smirks) Yeah, probably.

(Silence)

Veronica: I'm going to get a seven up up.

Joe: So you've finally decided on something.

Veronica: Well I've narrowed it down to two mains.

Joe: And they are?

Veronica: The lasagne, OR, the Calzone.

Joe: Ah, you're in an Italian mood. (Beat) Ever been to Italy?

Veronica: No I haven't, have you?

Joe: No me neither. Haven't really done a lot of travelling to be honest.

Veronica: That makes the two of us.

(Silence)

Joe: So where would you travel to, if you could travel anywhere in the world.

Veronica: Um, I always had a thing for Austria, I was a proper geek back in geography, well, I'm still a geek really.

Joe: (Laughs) That makes two of us. (Pause) Austria ay........Ah, is that why you.....sorry, is that your real name, or.......

Veronica: No, it's not. Not too far off though. (Pause)

(The two begin to make more eye contact)

Joe: So do you have the name of another famous capital of the world?

Veronica: Sadly not. (Pause)

Joe: Shall we play the guessing game.

Veronica: The guessing game?

Joe: If I can guess your name, you let me pay for dinner.

Veronica: That doesn't seem fair, I mean on you.

Joe: Well you have to give me the first letter of your name, make it easier.

Veronica: (Smirks) But still, what do you get out of it?

Joe: (Tries his best to flirt) Hey, I'm already getting something out of it. I'm sitting here, with you.

Veronica: (Blushes slightly and doesn't quite know how to respond) V. (Joe laughs) I told you it was similar.

Joe: No it's not that, it's just.......OK. V. V. V. (Thinks) Vanessa. (V shakes her head) Um......Voilet.

Veronica: I wish.

Joe: Um.....

Veronica: It's rather old fashioned.

Joe: Err.......can't be any more old fashioned than my name.

Veronica: If I can guess yours, you have to let me pay.

Joe: But that goes against all of my training.

Veronica: Training?

Joe: Err, I mean, principles, not training, don't know why I.....

Veronica: Do you not believe in gender equality?

Joe: Definitely, a hundred percent.

Veronica: Right then, if I win, I pay.

Joe: Well really whoever wins, actually loses.

Veronica: (Laughs) Yeah well whatever.

Joe: OK. You're on.

Veronica: You have to give me your first letter.

Joe: You could probably guess.

Veronica: Um........J? (Joe nods, V laughs) No way!

Joe: And that's exactly why I laughed earlier when you told me yours.

Veronica: Wow, we're either both really unimaginative or imaginative.

Joe: Victoria!

Veronica: Nope! Jason!

Joe: Nope! Valerie!

Veronica: Nope! James!

Joe: Nope! Vicky!

Veronica: People are actually starting to stare.

Joe: (Whispers) Verity.

Veronica: (Whispers back) Nope. Johnny.

Joe: Nope. Um.....I can't think of any more.

Veronica: Joe. (Joe falls quiet) Oh my god I'm right aren't I?

Joe: Well, technically, no.

Veronica: What do you mean technically?

Joe: Well it's not my birth name.

Veronica: Hey, no cheating, I won fair and square.

Joe: Well, technically, you lost fair and square.

Veronica: Either way, dinners on me.

Joe: OK, if you can guess my last name as well.

Veronica: No! Stop changing the rules!

Joe: I'll try and guess yours.

Veronica: No, no, believe me, you don't want to guess my last name, it's worse than my first. In fact, I was known more for my last name in school than I was anything else.

Joe: Oh now I'm really curious.

Veronica: Nope! No more games. Have you decided what you're having?

Joe: No, not yet, I've just been playing a game of ultra angry birds.

Veronica: (Face drops) Ow.

Joe: (Laughs to himself) Just joking. I think I'll go for the steak pie, keep it simple.

Veronica: OK, and you want a coke double zero with that?

Joe: Yes please.

Veronica: Any starters?

Joe: No thank you.

Veronica: Just because I'm paying doesn't mean you.......

Joe: There were no starters I fancied.

Veronica: As long as that's the only reason. (Beat) Oh.

Joe: What?

Veronica: You do realise that steak pie doesn't come with peas right?

Joe: That's fine.

Veronica: I can order you a side of peas, I'm sure they must do peas.

Joe: No it's OK.

Veronica: No let me look.

Joe: Honestly I don't......

Veronica: They do, see, I'll add the peas on.

Joe: No, no, It's alright.

Veronica: You wanted peas, you're getting peas.

Joe: Oh alright then. If you insist.

Veronica: I do, now be a gentleman and shut up. (Veronica takes out her card and begins to type in her details)

Joe: Do you want me to stand over you, make sure no ones watching?

Veronica: (Laughs) It's OK, the place isn't exactly booming. (Looks up realising what she's said) No offence, as I said, it's a really nice.......

Joe: (Sniggers) It's fine, though I do wonder what everyone’s doing out there.

Veronica: I try not to think about it too much.

Joe: Yeah that's probably for the best.

Veronica: What the hell. Why is it taking so long.

Joe: What's wrong?

Veronica: Well it's accepted my details but now it's just......I think it's frozen. Yeah, it's just gone dead.

Joe: I'll just do it on mine, obviously that's gods way of saying I should pay.

Veronica: No but I don't know if it's taken the money or not. (Looks around her for a waiter, can't find one) Press that assistance button he was on about.

Joe: OK. (Presses a button on his tablet) Hold on.

Veronica: What?

Joe: There's a drop down box. “Please specify the nature of your concern”.

Veronica: Just write something like, problems processing card payment.

Joe: OK. (Types away) It's now asking, “On a scale of 1 to 5, how immediate do you require assistance?”.

Veronica: Um, I'd say it was at least..... a 4, right?

Joe: 4, OK.

Veronica: No wait! Put 5, otherwise they'll take longer, won't they.

Joe: Yeah probably.

Veronica: Wait! Is 5, really urgent, or is 1 really urgent, is it from low to high, or high to low, how are they measuring it?

Joe: 5 is like for emergencies.

Veronica: OK then stick to 4.

Joe: Alright then.

Veronica: Unless they've got a 3.5. Or 4.5 even.

Joe: Nope. Just single digits.

Veronica: 4 then.

Joe. OK.

Veronica: Wait. Do you think they'll get annoyed if they rush out and don't see it as that important?

Joe: I think it's pretty important. I mean, how are we supposed to order our food if the menus not working.

Veronica: Exactly. (Beat) Make it a 5.

Joe: (Beat) Ah great.

Veronica: What's wrong?

Joe: I've now been taken to a survey.

Veronica: Was you able to send the message?

Joe: Yeah. (Beat) “On a scale of 1 to 5, how would you rate the ambiance of the swan lounge?”.

Veronica: Well what's 5 this time?

Joe: It doesn't say.

Veronica: I reckon 5's probably really bad and 1's really good. That's usually the case with these types of questions.

Joe: So what do you think?

Veronica: Um.....(Looking around) I'd say.... 2, because there's always room for improvement.

Joe: Yeah that's a good point. OK, next question, “On a scale of 1 to 5.........

Waiter: Hey guys, having troubles making payment?

Veronica: Yeah it seems to have frozen, I literally just put all my details in and pressed confirm. (Hands the waiter the tablet)

Waiter: Oh for f**k sake! F*****g thing!(Veronica and Joe both jump startled by the waiters sudden outburst) Is everything going to s**t or what! It's bullocks! It's all bullocks! (Beat, looks around him, takes a breath and composes himself seeing V and J look up at him in shock) Sorry, sorry guys, it's not you, it's just......I, I've been under a lot of stress lately and........

Joe: Let me guess, withdrawals?

Waiter: Yeah, big time.

Joe: Same. Don't worry, I understand.

Veronica: (With a smile) Me too.

Waiter: Just a month ago I was a millionaire business tycoon, I was someone important, and now, well, this says it all really.

Joe: I was a fire-fighter.

Waiter: Ah that's cool. (Looks over at Veronica, beckoning a response)

Veronica: Oh I was a dog handler.

Waiter: Ah right, is that like helping them to sniff out bombs and stuff?

Veronica: Um......not quite, I err.......took them over parks and that.

Waiter: (Excitement drops) Oh right. Dog walker.

Veronica: But they do drop a lot of bombs that I have to pick up and expose of.

(All three laugh)

Waiter: So you still need a gas mask then. (Beat) What I'll do is go and check whether our system has registered your payment and see whether your order has been processed yet or not, but I'll tell you what, I'll personally go and get your drinks for you now. Save some of the inconvenience.

Joe: Cheers.

Veronica: Thank you.

Waiter: What is it that you wanted?

Joe: A Coke double zero and a seven up up, that's right isn't it? (V nods)

Waiter: OK. A Coke double zero and a seven up up. I should remember that. (Reciting it) Coke double zero, seven up up, coke double zero, seven up up, coke double......

Joe: Have you not got a pen and paper to write it down?

Waiter: (Slaps Joe on the shoulder again) HA! You are a funny one! (Walks away reciting the order) Coke double zero, seven up up, coke double zero, seven up up.

Joe: Maybe I should have seen it as an omen.

Veronica: What's that?

Joe: (Sniggers) The curse of the swan.

Veronica: Don't be silly, I'm glad we came here, honestly, it's nice.

Joe: I was slightly worried, well more than slightly, that you'd take one look at me and walk away, or run away even.

Veronica: Me too (Joe's face drops). No I mean, I felt the same way as you, I thought you'd see me and do the same. Not that I thought I was going to run away when I saw you.

Joe: Well you did think I was a murderer for a second .

Veronica: Hey, everyone’s a murderer until proven otherwise.

Joe: How can you prove someone’s NOT a murderer? (Veronica shrugs shoulders) Unless of course we start doing mandatory searches on everyone to make sure their not carrying any weapons.

Veronica: (Laughs uncomfortably and discreetly pushes her handbag, which is on the floor, away from the table using her foot) Yeah, yeah, that would be weird, wouldn't it? (Awkward pause)

Joe: So, Vienna, was she based on anyone, or......

Veronica: Oh I used to watch a lot of blogs, and I found this one woman who was like, amazing, she seemed to know everything about anything and was just like, really, really.......

Waiter: (Interrupts with drinks in hand) Here we are. Coke double zero (Places it in front of V), and 7 up up (Places it in front of Joe).

Veronica: Thank you.

Joe: Cheers.

(They swap drinks)

Waiter: Ah s**t! I'm not great at this am I.

Veronica: Simple mistake to make, don't worry about it.

Waiter: Yeah but, not the first mistake I've made, I've been messing up all week, be surprised if I don't get fired.

Veronica: Well we're not going to tell anyone.

Waiter: Yeah but, pretty sure the whole restaurant heard my outburst earlier.

Joe: We all get like that from time to time, honestly, it's no big deal.

Waiter: OK, well the good news is, the payment was processed successfully, so everything’s sorted, well mostly everything, the bad news is, we're actually out of peas.

Joe: (Pretends to be disappointed) Ah that's a shame, I was really looking forward to those peas.

Waiter: (Sighs) Yeah, life's a bit s**t isn't it. The things you really want just disappear.

Joe: (Suddenly turns upbeat) Actually, on second thoughts, It's probably a good thing I didn't get the peas.

Waiter: (To V) You haven't been charged for the peas by the way, that money will go straight back onto your card, so don't worry about that.

Veronica: OK. Thank you. (To Joe) Is there anything else you want instead?

Joe: No it's OK.

Waiter: Sorry about that again. In a perfect world they'd be an endless supply of peas, but hey, we don't live in a perfect world, do we? (Sniggers, mutters) Nope, not any more.

Joe: No honestly, it's no problem at all. Thank you so much for your help. We really appreciate it.

Waiter: Then if that's the case, I’d really appreciate it if you gave me a 5 when the service survey flashes up at the end of your meal.

Veronica: Oh is a 5 really good?

Waiter: Yeah, anything below that brings the overall rating of the restaurant down. And the manager is a real a*s hole about it, blames us for everything, treats us like s**t, so if you could just give everything a 5, that would really make my life easier.

(V and J give each other an awkward look)

Joe: Ah. OK. Well don't worry, you'll definitely be getting a 5 from us.

Waiter: Thank you. (Walks away muttering) I guess I won't hang myself tonight.

Joe: S**t. I don't suppose we can change our answers.

Veronica: Whoops. (Beat) Are you sure there's nothing else that would apPEAse you?

Joe: (Laughs) Wow.

Veronica: Was that a fake laugh or a real one? I can't tell.

Joe: Well I could say it was a real one, but could you tell if I were lying or not?

Veronica: Mmmmm, interesting, I'll have to try and make you laugh more.

Joe: I think you should tell some to the waiter, looks like their having a bad night.

Veronica: Well you've made him laugh a few times already.

Joe: Except I wasn't actually joking when I said about the cash or paper.

Veronica: Maybe that's the key to being funny. Being serious.

Joe: Maybe.

Veronica: Maybe you should consider another profession. Stand up comedian.

Joe: Yeah. (Beat) To be honest I was too afraid to ask for anything else, encase he/she had a mental breakdown.

Veronica: Awwww, I think everyone's feeling the effects.

Joe: Clearly. (Beat) So do you actually walk dogs now or have any yourself, you know outside of.......

Veronica: Well that's the funny thing, I'm actually allergic.

Joe: Oh really?

Veronica: Yeah. That was me living the dream. Pathetic I know.

Joe: It's not pathetic, if you like dogs, you like dogs, nothing wrong or weird about that. I'm sure there's people out there missing all sorts of strange things.

Veronica: I've just always wanted one, a real one. But obviously, I get close to one and spend the rest of my day, or even week, sneezing, weeping and generally just feeling like crap. It's an acute allergy, so it's not even like it comes and goes or there's any medication I can take which is strong enough to stop it, all these advances in technology ay, and I still can't stroke a bloody dog.

Joe: That's a shame.

Veronica: When I was little I used to watch the neighbours kid play with their dog in the back garden from my bedroom window, it was a lovely dog, big golden retriever, and this girl looked so happy out there with it, playing for hours, and I used to sit and watch for hours, like the sad little girl I was, and the dog clearly loved her, and they loved each other and, just played and played, as if nothing else in the world mattered, like that was the meaning of existence, like that was it, the only thing, just to have fun and be loved unconditionally. Looked like she had the perfect life.

(Lights come up on another table opposite V's and Joe's, Vienna sits and observes)

Vienna: Oh god, how tragic. What are you going to tell him next? That mummy and daddy didn't love you, that they wish they would have had an abortion. Yeah, I'm sure that will get him going. I wonder if they would have felt the same if they had given birth to me. Mmmm. Now that's interesting to think about?

Veronica: I reckon the world would actually be better if it were ruled by dogs, be less violence, conflict, sadness, hate, just love, coz you can't beat the compassion of a dog, you can't.

Joe: Be a different story if cats ruled the world.

Vienna: Typical man, p***y on the brain.

Veronica: (Laughs) Yeah, we'd be truly doomed. (Beat) Watching them two play, for me, was better than sitting in front of the television, or even going outside to play myself. I mean, I couldn't play with the girl myself, or make friends with her, because she'd always be covered in dogs hairs and then of course that would set me off, and, yeah, so I could only watch, and pray that one day they would invent a miracle cure or something, so I could be just like that girl. Happy. I didn't have many friends when I was younger to be honest.

Vienna: (Sarcastic) Well there's a shocking revelation.

Joe: Ditto.

Veronica: It almost felt as if that girl and her dog were my closest friends, even though in reality......But then, after a few years, they moved away, and this old couple moved in, no pets, just spent their days gardening, and that was no fun to watch. So that's when I started to bury my head into geography books and imagine travelling all across the world. (Sniggers) To places like Vienna.

Vienna: (Rolls eyes) Is this where we whack out the tissues?

Joe: Why didn't you?

Veronica: I was, well I still am really, a bit agoraphobic.

Joe: Oh I hate spiders too.

Veronica: (Laughs) No, the amount of people who get that mixed up, agoraphobia is like the fear of large crowds and being closed in by certain social situations or.......

Joe: Ahhh, yeah, I know what you mean now.

Veronica: That's what was so good about VR, I could experience all of those things, without having to put myself in danger.

Joe: Yeah I can understand that.

Jared: (Enters zipping up his flies) Ow, what have I missed?

Vienna: Nothing important.

(Jared sits with Vienna and looks on at V and Joe)

Veronica: So what's your story? Joe, or should I say, Jared (Laughs).

Vienna: Speak of the devil.........

Veronica: Yeah why Jared of all names?

Jared: Um, because it kicks a*s.

Joe: It's stupid really.

Jared: You're stupid!

Vienna: More stupid than a girl who names herself after the capital of a country she's never been to?

Jared: (To Vienna with a smirk) Hey, I'd visit your C**T-TRY any day of the week. (Gives her a cheeky wink, Vienna does not look amused) Too far?

Joe: Well......(Sighs) Long story short, there was this boy.........

Veronica: (Goes to put her hand in her handbag forgetting what's in there and screams, cutting the palm of her hand, Joe jumps startled) Argh!!!

Joe: S**t, are you alright?

Vienna: Things are about to get interesting.

Veronica: (Immediately throws her bag down wanting to conceal what's inside) Ah, yeah, yeah, (Grabbing a napkin to wrap around her cut) just.......

Joe: What the hell was that?

Veronica: Um, it's just a, a thing I've......a, I forgot to.......

Joe: A what?

Veronica: It's a......I'll just go to the bathroom, give it a rinse.

Joe: OK. Do you want me to request for.......

Veronica: No, It's OK, I won't be long. (Exits hastily, leaving Joe sat bemused)

Jared: Just leave now mate. Do you, and her a favour. You'll never be able to live up to me. Let's face it, I'm like Creme Brulee, and you're like, well, a giant pile of s**t. (Laughs) Dog s**t.

Vienna: (Laughs) Yeah and we all know how much old Veronica loves picking up that.

Jared: (Sniggers) I suppose you are her type after all.

Vienna: He's podgy like a t**d.

Jared: And soft on the inside. (Both laugh evilly) God, I really do want to marry you.

Vienna: Imagine how perfect our children would be.

Jared: They'd be like a new breed of human. An ouber human.

Vienna: We should do it, we should so do it, give birth to the new species of man, and woman.

Jared: Yeah, eradicate these inferior beings.

Vienna: No, make them our slaves.

Jared: Ahhhhh yeah, that's even better.

(Veronica returns, she has her hand wrapped in tissue)

Joe: How is it?

Veronica: It's not that bad, just a small cut.

Joe: They've probably got a medical kit or something.

Veronica: It's fine, I'll live.

Vienna: That's a shame.

Veronica: I'll just have a scar.

Jared: God, anything else to add to the list.

Joe: I wouldn't worry about that. It will only be a small one.

Veronica: Yeah at least it's on my hand, be easy to hide, probably just blend in with the rest of the lines on my hand. (Looks down at the lines on her palms)

Joe: Let's see.

Veronica: Honestly it's only a small cut. Nothing really......

Joe: No I meant the lines on your hands.

Veronica: Oh. (Holds out her hands, palms facing up, Joe studies them)

Joe: Well at least it hasn't severed your life line.

Veronica: Which ones that?

Joe: This one. (Holding his finger over Veronica's palm, avoiding direct contact he traces where her life line is, there's a brief moment of what could be deemed as sexual tension as the two anticipate the feeling of their skin touching)

Veronica: Oh right. (Blushing slightly)

Jared: Owwww, things are heating up.

Vienna: Yeah but no one likes warm dog s**t.

Veronica: How do you know that's my life line?

Joe: Because it's the longest line, and it's always from this part of your hand to that part, see? (Showing her his)

(Jared and Vienna start looking at their own hands)

Veronica: Oh right. You've got a good one.

Joe: (Sniggers) Yeah, so I've been told.

Jared: Where's mine then? Have you got one?

Vienna: Um.....think that's it, not sure.

Veronica: So how do you know though? Like, which line is which. I mean, there's a lot of lines.

Joe: Well when I was in hospital the nurse used to always remind me to keep looking at it, and to remember, things will get better.

Veronica: Why was you in hospital?

Joe: Oh, um..........

Jared: And the cat has been let out of the bag!

Joe: It was years ago.

Veronica: What happened?

Joe: (Pause) Um, well........

Jared: Is he actually going to tell her? Surely not.

Joe: When I was younger, I was.....actually, it's probably just better to show you.

Jared: NO! NO! DO NOT SHOW HER!

Joe: Make you feel better about that cut. (Undoes the buttons on his cuffs and rolls his sleeves up to reveal burn marks all up his arms, Veronica looks slightly shocked)

Jared: YOU IDIOT!

Vienna: Well that's attractive.

Joe: Can you see now why I said you shouldn't worry about that small scar?

Veronica: Sorry, I didn't meant to.....If I would have known I.........

Joe: It's fine. I've had them for years. Got them all over.

Veronica: Is that why when we first walked in, you, you know, with the candle.

Joe: Yeah. I'm petrified of it, fire.

Veronica: Well who would blame you. Considering. So how, when?

Joe: I was about......seven.....eight.....not quite sure, not something I like to think about. I was laying in bed, I was asleep, and I woke up to the smell of burning, smoke was coming from underneath my door, so I jumped out of bed and went to open the door and was hit by a cloud of thick black smoke, which instantly filled my room, I couldn't see anything beyond my door so I slammed the door shut again and opened my window, I shouted for mum and dad, and I shouted for help out of the window, lucky enough I woke the neighbours and one of them came running over, as the other phoned 999, they banged and banged on the door, but there was no answer and I couldn't hear mum or dad, I kept shouting and screaming, but still, nothing, I didn't know if they were out or....what was going on really, I was just in a dazed panic, then the neighbours tried to break the door down, but couldn't, and then, then I started to see flames creeping through and then of course I really started to panic, I picked up this play-stool I had in my room and smashed the window, I got glass in my hands and in my face, and the neighbours, well, the whole street were outside at this point, they were panicking more and more, and they eventually got the front door open, but couldn't come in because there was just so much smoke and the flames had spread everywhere and, anyway, so I smashed the window and I looked down at all the people, and I was going to jump, and there were some people shouting, 'do it!', 'do it!', 'we'll catch you!', and some people yelling, 'don't do it! The firemen will be here soon!', and a big argument broke out between them and I didn't know what to do. After a while I could only hear them, as the smoke had filled the streets. I climbed up on the windowsill and looked down, and all I say was a giant smoke cloud below, and I just couldn't do it, I couldn’t jump, even if I wanted to, I was just frozen with fear, (Sniggers) though there was a juvenile part of me that thought maybe the cloud would break my fall, but I didn't think that for long, I looked down and then I looked around, and I saw that the flames were growing closer, and I......I thought, well, this is it, I'm dead.

Vienna: This is really bumming me out.

Jared: Yeah it's SO depressing.

Joe: I was coughing my guts up and I could barely see any more, and in that moment I just remember thinking, where the hell's my mum and dad, why aren't they here to save me? They should be here, that's what parents are supposed to do, look after their children. And at that point I remember hearing the fire sirens growing closer until I could hear that they were outside and suddenly I just felt pure joy, I thought, that's it, I'm saved. I'm not going to die, but then, then, I started to feel something else, pain, extreme pain, that's all I can describe it as, as it was like nothing else I've ever felt, even to this day.......the flames had got so near to me I was being burnt by the heat of them, not the flames themselves, but what they were giving off. This intense heat which......when I think about it, it makes me feel sick, literally, I feel as if I'm going to throw up, the pain was just........I blacked out, that was the last thing I remember from that night, the pain, and then darkness. (Pause) I woke up and looked up at these bright lights on the ceiling and for a second, I honestly thought I was in heaven. But obviously I was just in the hospital, awake from surgery, all bandaged up. Then I was in and out of consciousness, was like a weird dream, all blurred faces and distant voices, like something out of a film, and I woke up properly in a hospital bed with all these people watching over me and, they explained what had happened and........yeah, that's about it. (Beat) I never got the fireman’s name, who rescued me, everything happened so fast, I never got the chance to thank him or.......

Veronica: Where was your mum and dad?

Joe: Unfortunately they were downstairs at the time, fell asleep on the sofa together, there was a gas leak and we had the boiler on timer, set to turn on at four, five am sometime, so there'd be hot water for morning showers and that, and anyway, obviously when that ignited, bang! Well, not literally, there wasn't actually a bang, it's not like the films in that way, but the whole house went up in flames, downstairs first. They were instantly trapped by the fire. In fact it was lucky the whole building didn't collapse with me in it. I was very lucky to be alive, which is why when I used to get depressed in hospital the nurse would always remind me I had a big life line, and that I had many more years ahead of me, and should be grateful, as there were many people in my position who weren't so lucky.

Veronica: My god, I am so, so, sorry to hear that, that must have been......well.....I can't even imagine. That's awful. What happened after?

Joe: Well I didn't really have any other relatives so I had to go into foster care for a while, and they sent us all to this horrible school, which was a bit like a boarding school, and that's where I met.......well, they weren't very nice, the other boys and girls, I'll just put it that way, and I just, I felt so lost, felt like my entire world, life, had just been ripped away, right from under my feet.

Veronica: I bet. Sounds horrible.

Joe: But eventually, when I got older, the government found me my own place to stay and set me up and all that, and then not long after GlobalTech launched and.......that was perhaps the first time I felt reconnected to the world, as strange as it may sound. I was able to rebuild myself, it felt like a second chance. (Beat) I really wish I would have found out his name, the fireman, I should have tracked him down, I suppose I could now, but I don't know how I would go about it, just to say thank you. I'm sure it was in the news actually, maybe if I just search for it, but it's something I've tried to avoid, for years, but now I think, well, I can't any-more, so, here I am. Joseph, with third degree burns. That's who I am. Not handsome, confident, charming, brave, witty, perfect Jared.

Jared: (Looks smug) Why thank you.

Veronica: And I'm not perfect Vienna.

Vienna: Well at least she finally admits it!

Veronica: But I don't think we were born to be perfect. We have to take the positives with the negatives, remember? (Joe nods, beat)

Joe: Yeah, it's strange, just recently I was talking to someone about the importance of imperfections and all that, about how they make us who we are, make us unique, and that we should learn to embrace them.

Veronica: Maybe we should. (Beat) I think when we build this perfect image of ourselves, ultimately, we just end up hating ourselves even more, because we know, well, I know, I'll never be able to live up to that, so really, that perfect image, that perception of how we should be, becomes our ultimate enemy.

Joe: (Nods) I get that.

Jared: Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Veronica: Maybe we should just be thankful to be alive, just like that nurse said.

Jared: Yeah. I think you're right.

Veronica: And the way I see it, if you lived through that, than surely you can live through anything, coz I reckon no pain can compare to what you've already experienced.

Jared: Well..... there was one pain I felt which was worse.

Veronica: Oh really? What was that?

Jared: (Pause, mustering up the courage to say the words) Um..... Being separated from you.

Veronica: (Taken back, not sure how to respond, but she grins, clearly flattered) Yeah, that did suck. (Both laugh)

Joe: Big time.

Veronica: (Beat, looking down at her hand) If this does scar, I won't look down at it and feel sad, I'll look at it and be reminded of the first time we met, (She smiles) so, I guess not all scars, emotional, or physical, have to be negative. They can lead to a positive. (Joe smiles back)

Vienna: Awwwwww, that's actually quite sweet, in a deluded way.

Veronica: (Mutters) No, I'm not the deluded one.

Joe: What's that?

Veronica: I'm not deluded. I'm not. I know the difference between what's real and what's fake. At least now I do.

Joe: (Nods head in agreement, contemplates) Mmmmm. (Beat) The question is, which do you choose?

(Pause, Joe and V stare at each other, as Vienna and Jared do the same. Suddenly there's a loud crashing sound which appears to come from the kitchen, followed by some aggressive shouting which diverts everyone's attention)

Waiter: (Off stage, shouts angrily following the crashing sound) No! F**k you! I quit! Go f**k yourself!

(The waiter comes storming onto the stage in a temper, he/she stops and looks over at V and Joe, he/she gathers his/her breath)

Waiter: Sorry guys, I just can't do this any more. Sorry. (Storms off stage)

(V and Joe look back at each other in ore)

Jared: (Sniggers) I guess he/she made his/her choice.

Vienna: (Laughs) I take it desserts off the menu.

(Blackout. There is another news report displayed on the AV screen)

Reporter: Since the collapse of GlobalTech two months ago there have been many people up in arms, demanding that there be more drastic actions taken to restore the software managed by the company. Although crime rates continue to rise steadily, perhaps more worrying statistics have surfaced regarding the number of people who have committed suicide as a result of not being able to adapt to mainstream society. More money continues to be driven into the health service sector to provide mental and emotional support for those struggling to adapt. However recent events have sparked a debate as to whether it would be beneficial to civilization as a whole, if GlobalTech did in fact reboot their software, or whether they just went into liquidisation. The world appears to be torn between VR and RL, almost 58% of the population believe that more money should be spent on finding an alternative to GlobalTech's software, so that those who are suffering can return to a world more familiar to them, and 42% of people believe that Virtual Reality should be abolished completely, as they believe it is alienating many people and is to be held as the main cause of the social crisis we are facing currently. A spokesperson from MFL, Mainstream For Life, has issued this statement in regards to current social events;

“By reinstalling a virtual reality you are not resolving any issues or addressing any of the problems that we are facing today, you will merely be offering an escape. These people who have previously been able to escape mainstream society have become distant and alienated from the ways of life which were once customary. They don't know how to act or behave, or go about living, what we refer to as, a “normal” life. Which in itself is very alarming, the fact that we are willingly allowing members of our society to escape and ignore the reality which surrounds them. And now, that there is no escape for these people, we are seeing the devastating effects that Virtual Reality can have. If GlobalTech does reboot and all these people return to VR, that won't solve the problem at all, it will only distance them further, and then, when the system crashes again, which will eventually happen, because as we all know, technology is not reliable, then what will happen? They will be released again into our society, but this time even more volatile and estranged from our customs, which will then give birth to the problem all over again, however on a more monumental scale. The problem does not lie within the collapse of GlobalTech, the real problem lies within our, well, some peoples inability to accept their existence, and no form of virtual reality is going to solve that crisis”.

There we have some rather frank words from an MFL spokesman. As well as frank words, there have been some rather frank actions of late, which have predominantly evoked this debate, most recently a restaurant employee, diagnosed with PVRS, post virtual reality stress, took his own life after taking his employers. The employee, who had appeared unstable to many of the restaurant goers, had a severe grievance with the way in which he/she was treated by the employer and fellow members of staff. According to reports, having been fired the previous night, the ex employee returned to the restaurant the following evening, just before close, and without mercy, shot his employer before turning the gun on himself. Witnesses were of course horrified and devastated by this turn of events. And it's similar events to this which has the population divided, what is the best solution to this current social crisis? Is it to reinstall a Virtual Reality in an attempt to restore order to mainstream society? Or is it to abolish Virtual Reality completely so that future generations do not have to suffer from PVRS? Only time will tell.

Scene Three.

(The lights come up on V and Joe, sat in a park similar to the one seen in the first scene. Joe and V appear very comfortable in each others prescience and in their own skin. Joe has a short sleeved shirt on which reveals the scaring up his arms)

Joe: (Looking out) Do you reckon they have it easy?

V: Huh?

Joe: Well they all look the same.

V: Oh right. (Beat, sniggers) No, the males are bigger, remember?

Joe: (Sniggers) Yeah but......I mean, apart from that. There's no discrimination or.......

V: Be boring if we all looked the same, don't you agree?

Joe: Yeah, I'm just thinking.

V: (Beat) Well I'm enjoying just being myself.

Joe: Yeah me too. As I said, I was just thinking.

V: (Beat, a smirk falls across her face) You know what I haven't heard in awhile? (Joe looks blankly) You speak swan.

Joe: Oh no, that part of me died with Jared.

V: Ah go on, please.

Joe: I don't know if I possess the ability any more.

V: Try! Please, for me.

Joe: (Joe looks at V who is willing him with an intense stare, he gives in with a playful sigh and tries to speak like a Swan) Hello, how are you today? (V remains quiet with a forced blank expression as she holds in a smirk, Joe drops the voice) Happy?

V: What?

Joe: What do you mean what?

V: I have no idea what you're on about.

Joe: What! I have no idea what YOU'RE on about! You just asked me to speak swan and I........

V: I don't speak Swan! You have to talk to them! (Bursts into laughter as she gestures)

Joe: (Rolls eyes) Oh dear god.

V: (Still laughing) I don't think he speaks swan either.

Joe: Well he certainly doesn't speak your language.

V: English?

Joe: No, crazy woman.

V: I'm not crazy, you're the one who thinks he can speak to swans.

Joe: You asked me to!

V: (With a cheeky grin) It's good to know you'll do whatever I ask.

Joe: That was the last time, I assure you.

V: Mmmm. We'll see.

Joe: (Beat, in contemplation) Do you think there is a God, or was a God?

V: I think it's irrelevant now.

Joe: Because if there was, or is, and he did create all life, why did he choose to give people different languages? Why not the same language? It seems a lot of effort to go to, to invent hundreds, thousands of different languages when he could have given them all the same.

V: Yet again, I suppose that would make life boring, make travelling and meeting new people less interesting. (Beat) But anyway, as I said, it's irrelevant now to even think about it. We can change the world as we see fit.

Joe: Yeah. (Beat, laughs) And if there really was a God he'd be a middle aged overweight nerd who knew every sequence of binary code and could only speak the language of Algorithm, none of this beard and sandals nonsense.

V: Well he would probably have a beard, no white robe though. Most likely a novelty t-shirt of some kind.

Joe: Definitely. Something like, God 2.0, or.........

V: God 2.0, powered by JC, you know, instead of PC.

Joe: I like it! But does that mean all apple computers are bad?

V: Why?

Joe: You know because of the snake in the garden of Eden and the.......

V: Ah yeah! Of course! Apple is the mark of the devil! Far less superior to JC software. (Both laugh)

Joe: Forget your heels for swans idea, this is the real winner right here, this is what's going to make us the big bucks, novelty t-shirts.

V: I think you're right. Now we just need a company name. (Both pause to think).

Joe: Mmmmm. (Beat) I got it!

V: What!

Joe: This is genius! PURE genius!

V: Well go on then!

Joe: (Dramatic pause) Novel-T's.

V: WOW! Now that right there is the future!

Joe: You have to admit, it's rather poetic.

V: It is, it really is, I have to hand it to you.

Joe: I think that's deserving of a kiss.

V: Owwww, I don't know about that.......What do the swans think?

Joe: Oh no! Not this again! I told you I wouldn't.........(V gives him an unexpected peck on the lips, Joe smiles, V smiles back) You know they mate for life.

V: What's that?

Joe: The Swans, once they've chosen their partner, they're with them for life. Even if they're separated, for any reason, they don't go with anyone else, their completely faithful to one another. They will wait until their loved one has returned, for better or worse. Which is unlike any other species.

V: Wow. Perhaps they are the perfect creation.

Joe: It's kind of like us, don't you think? We were separated, but we found our way back to each other. We were patient and......accepting, despite anything before.

V: Yeah I suppose.

Joe: So it just goes to show you, our connection, it's real, it's more than just physical or.........you know, it's, I don't want to say spiritual coz I don't want to sound like a hippy but........

V: (Laughs) It's OK, I know what you mean, and I feel the same way.

Joe: (Smiles) I'm glad. I'm glad we got a real chance to get to know each other. I'm glad what happened, happened, I think it just clarified a lot of things, not clarified, but, confirmed, confirmed my feelings towards you, because I know before we were speaking about how our feelings for each other were real and.....you know, all that, and, well, I think now we can say for sure, that they are, and, I just want to say, to you, Veronica, that, you know, I.....I really do, think the world of you, and.......ah god, this is much more awkward than the last time. (Gets down on one knee and presents a jewellery box) Veronica will you do me the great pleasure.........

V: (Ecstatically Impatient) Yes! Yes! Yes!

Joe: (Breaths a sigh of relief) Great.

V: (Holding out her hand for the ringer to be placed on it) Quick! Just encase!

Joe: (Joe laughs in relief and quickly places the ring on her finger) How's it fit?

V: Perfect! It's perfect! (She embraces him lovingly, they stand in the embrace for a moment before sharing a kiss, V pulls back, and says in a joking manner) Wait, let's just check everything’s swimming in the right direction.

Joe: (Laughs) Wow, that was way more difficult the second time around.

V: Why?

Joe: Well because this time it was me out here, and not.......

V: All I want is you Joseph. (They share another kiss)

Joe: Wow, I'm just so, so.......

V: (With a smile) Happy?

Joe: I was going to say relieved, but yeah, that too. (They both sit back down on the bench hand in hand)

V: To be honest, I saw it coming.

Joe: Oh right, did you now?

V: Yeah, was a bit, predictable, but lovely, don't get me wrong, it's lovely, I'm very, very happy, it's a beautiful ring.

Joe: I'm glad you like it. Took me ages to pick one.

V: You made a good choice.

Joe: Thank you. I did actually have a little help.

V: Kathleen? (Joe nods) Awww, how is she?

Joe: Yeah not bad, a lot less busy at work, but she doesn't mind, she likes it quiet.

V: Has she stayed in touch with anyone else?

Joe: Um, not sure.

V: And does she know.........

Joe: She knows I'm proposing, obviously, but not that.......I just, I don't want her to feel as if, you know, she didn't.......because she did help me a lot, I mean, here I am, scars all up my arms and......but, you know, it's not, it's not.....

V: Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. It's awkward.

Joe: Yeah. Especially after.....I'll always stay in contact with her though, no matter what.

V: Yeah definitely you should, she's like your grandma.

Joe: (Laughs) She is.

V: (Beat) But, when it eventually comes to the wedding, then what are you......

Joe: We'll cross that bridge when it comes to it. (Beat) She's started to see someone herself.

V: Oh really?

Joe: Yeah, surprisingly. I was the one that gave her the push.

V: (Smiles) Then you've helped each other.

Joe: (Beat) I should really give her a ring, find out how her first date went and let her know the good news.

V: You can do it now if you want.

Joe: No it's OK. I just want to enjoy this moment, here, with you.

V: Awwww, I love you.

Joe: I love you too.

(They kiss once more. Joe goes to put his arm around Veronica but as he does there is a lagging movement where his arm lowers and raises slightly, jolting, his arm then drops down to his side and both Joe and V stare at each other with a look of fear and panic)

Joe: S**t.

Veronica: God no.......

(Blackout. Curtain).