Crumple Me Up

Crumple Me Up

A Poem by Hide From God
"

Sometimes a sketch is never worth picking up again and the trash is where it truly belongs.

"
I feel as though I've been through this before
As my heart and soul are thrown about the floor
Broken, shattered and torn apart
Ha, was there ever a way out?

Seems from the very beginning
I knew something was up
Surely not everyone has this pain?
Of course the dead never complain

So why do I sit here all black and blue?
Was life playing a mean ruse?
One thing's for certain, this is sure
Born to lose is what I know

So just crumple me up and throw me away
A bad idea meant to fail
No hope to salvage what remains
Walk away and don't try to the save




© 2011 Hide From God


Author's Note

Hide From God
Ah who knew I could have flow and partially rhyme?! Let me know if I should keep it.

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Reviews

It's always nice when someone reviews one of your more recent works, so I'll do just that!

I myself am the type of poet who likes to rhyme with his poetry, as well as likes to read other's poetry with rhyme, so right off the bat, this poem has the potential for me to enjoy it.

The first two lines of this poem are very relatable, to anyone, and being able to relate is the beginning to someone falling in love with your work, and you did it right at the start! Great job with that. (And they rhyme! Haha)

Next stanza, these two lines:
Surely not everyone has this pain?
Of course the dead never complain

I know you're going for a rhyme, and you did well here, but the second line is one syllable short of what the line before it is (first line is 9, second is 8). I feel as though if you added maybe a "do" in the second line so it looked like this, "Of course the dead never do complain" it might run a little smoother..but of course that's completely up to you.

Here is where you've lost rhyme (in the third stanza), and maybe you don't really care, but if there was anyway to go back and continue with some sort of rhyme throughout the poem, you might even gain more flow. Nevertheless this stanza is still powerful with its last line, "Born to lose is what I know" Depressing? Yes. Has anyone ever felt this way before? YES. Relatable, boom, you're good at this.

Last stanza, giving up, everyone's been there, way to end your poem with someone feeling like someone else understands what they're going through. I can see someone that just finished reading this poem and just, nodding their head in agreement saying "Yup, I've been there man." However, the last line in this last stanza, "Walk away and don't try to the save" ...I'm a little confused? "..don't try to THE save"? I don't quite get the "the" in that line.. and also I get what you're trying to do with the last line, just "f**k it, give up" but even if you do get rid of the "the" and you have, "Walk away and don't try to save" ...I still don't get it. Maybe it's just me? Or maybe you meant it this way for only you to understand? I don't know. But maybe you could tweak it to something along the lines of, "Walk away and don't try to save me" or something with a little more closure?

Overall as a poem, very good read. Very relatable, therefore very enjoyable. Good to know that someone else has been where I have, and I'm sure vice versa. Keep writing man, and I'll keep reviewing.

Best of luck,
Bryce

Posted 12 Years Ago


Love the rhyme! You should keep it, it's great :D
Especially love the first 2 lines and lines 6 & 7.
The only thing that sounds rather awkward in line 8, which feels like it should be
Of course the dead never did/would complain
OR (Though there wouldn't be any rhyme anymore...)
Of course the dead never complained.
Anyways, in love with this poem

Posted 12 Years Ago



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Added on July 7, 2011
Last Updated on July 7, 2011

Author

Hide From God
Hide From God

MA



About
Tattooed Hearts and Broken Promises. Oh girl this boat is sinking, There's no sea left for me. And how the sky gets heavy, When you are underneath it. Oh, I want to sail away from here, And G.. more..

Writing
Wings Wings

A Poem by Hide From God