Nameless

I can't remember exactly when I lost my faith in God,

when I stopped praying nightly for him to save me

from the insane mess of a mother and father,

from the pain of childhood and sexual indescretions,

from my life,

a life I could see would be strewn

with thorny patches and snaking roads,

roads that would lead me into dark and desolate places.

Even at a young age, I knew what was meant for me,

and I resented God, I resented my parents

and I knew that it was a sin, even blasphemous.

I was never a ardent and faithful child, I questioned things,

I believed in the unnatural, but God was too ominent,

too cruel and I didn't want to believe the things

the pastors spit out at me like rotten gruel each Sunday

while my mom sat praying savagely

and my dad hung his head in mockery, half asleep, half hung over.

And my siblings sat next to me, ugly looks on their faces,

slapping and pinching each other occasionally,

I would tell them to settle down, in that over grown voice

I had become accustomed to using.

I would fidget uncomfortably in my wooden pew,

and I could feel those ancient, reddened eyes

staring at me in pity, as they rested each solid glare on my family members

and then back to my small face, I would lock eyes with them, scowl

and then flick them back up to the pastor, where the attention was supposed

to be directed.

But we were always the new family, in every aspect of life,

we couldnt just be odd, we were also unfamiliar,

and so every where we went all eyes drew attention

to our tattered clothes and dirty attitudes.

My mothers long wild hair flicking behind her in the wind

as she sped down numerous and nameless roads,

I can still see that look in the eyes of all the people we would pass,

pity, terror, confusion, they were all the same...normal.

Some times I believe I remember

the last time I really prayed,

cried out in pure agony to a God I felt was turning a blind eye.

I could feel him retreating, leaving my side and I cried, cried and cried.

'Don't desert me, don't leave me here, not like this...its not too late',

and there was a heavy feeling in my breast, sharp and burning,

like the weight of a flaming anvil.

And I cursed him, screaming out with hellish fury,

that it would not be like this, he would not leave me here.

And then I could feel a certain weightlessness,

a barren feeling that left me cold and breathless,

more painful than that savage burning that I felt deep in my soul.

And I thought of his name, sacred and forgivable,

whispered each one that I knew and savored them,

believing fully in his ominence and love.

I could see out, all around me and in each direction,

the full of humanity and the breaking down of their cells and molecules,

their energy and atoms, washing down and around deep into each individual,

and it was light, pure and unmistakable.

And I could feel him tell me, so that I could see the real Truth,

what I had been searching for, the answer to all of my prayers.

And he told me, you will soon forget,

you will not see clearly in the hazy, sin infested world around you,

but you will know that love is true and Sin is all that is not true love,

and the Love is Light, and Light is what we are all composed of and become

and it is the way in which you are connected to me,

and my presence is always whole and true

because I am no longer here and am not chained by the illusion of the physical.

And so you will go down your own path, you will follow the beliefs of your own making

and mind, you will sin and rebel and remember and forget.

And you will believe that you will not live to meet another day, you will be in pain

and regret, and you will forget my face, and my words, and you won't know

of what you think or feel. But one day, you will see clearly, when the day and the time and

the hour comes, you will know what to say and what to think and how to speak with the

words I have given you and will give you. And you will know who I am and what my name Is

and Where I am standing as I speak to you now.

Reviews

[Bard Constantine]

My only wish was that the font were larger, i had to squint to read. Once I got past that, I enjoyed this testament of faith... which is so much larger than the confines of a church or preacher. The Truth is real, I believe, but is so hard to find because it so scarcely praticed. The world of religion is full of illusion and outright fraud, led by blinded jesters who willingly lead masses into pitfalls of deception. Yet if you keep looking, keep searching as for a lost parent or child... then in time you will not help but find what is missing. Beautiful writing, keep believing...

[Diane ♥ Kay]

i like the flow of this poem, every word fits where it should be. the transition between God and Truth is well written and descriptive, made me feel as if i were there.

[Nayeli]

I'm not quite sure I got all of it, you know, the whole message, but I do like what's going on here. I think the main thing about it is that it seems to be a really long winded run-on. There's so much tacked onto it ("and this and this and this and...") that sometimes you lose track of the few lines above it.

Although, maybe that was your aim. To overwhelm the reader, because of the message I did receive out of it, this isn't too much of a subject that can be clearly understood through the exchange of words. :]