Senior Superlatives

Class of 2015: What a long, strange trip it's been!

Most Likely to Win the Nobel Peace Prize

Emily Schneider

Bio: Although not without a few embarrassing gaffes (Remember when she tweeted that hummus tastes like Coach Chase’s gym socks?), Emily’s Middle East peace talks seem to have generated real results.  She managed to get both Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netinyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to attend her 18^th birthday bash at Galaxy Roller Disco.  The two were even spotted arm-in-arm during couple’s skate.  Hopefully nobody cures cancer before they announce the nominations!

Senior Quote: “Then I saw his face / Now I’m a Belieber <3”

Most Likely to Become the Next American Idol

Will Chapman

Bio: Seriously?  Will Chapman?  Come on, you guys are dumb as hell.  Sure, we were all excited when Will was actually picked as a contestant on Season 14 of the massively popular Fox reality competition, but are we just pretending that he wasn't voted off during the semifinals?  It’s not like he gets to come back and try again.  That actually makes him least likely to become the next American Idol.  Think, people.

Senior Quote: “I’m Rick James, B*tch!”

Most Changed since Freshman Year

Christopher “C.J.” McCoy

Bio: Looking back at C.J.’s class picture from four years ago is as shocking as it is hilarious.  Those braces!  That bowl-cut!  And who let him wear that ridiculous Power Rangers sweatshirt?  But, as we all know, only a year later he was killed instantly after being crushed by a falling light fixture during a drug awareness assembly.  Those who bothered to attend his funeral can attest that his crudely reconstructed cadaver barely resembled the freckle-faced geek we all loved to hate.  Another two years of subterranean decomposition has clinched it: 2015 C.J. looks nothing like his Freshman self!

Senior Quote: “…”

 

Most Likely to Succeed

Avery Carmichael

Bio: There is no denying, having spent the year swiftly and brutally stomping up a staircase assembled from the faces and throats of those bold few who dared to oppose her terrible rule, that Miss Carmichael stands tall atop the class of 2015.  Next stop: White House?  Perhaps only long enough for her to dismantle American democracy and install herself as our inflexible, eternal despot.

Senior Quote: “Don’t forget:  Animals need our help, y’all!