Intrusive Thoughts

Sitting in a car ride with daddy

I liked talking to him

He used drop off time to ask important questions

His mercury-pluto square liked to go deep

So he'd ask about school,and if there were any bullies

I hid the fact for a little while

Didn't want him to worry about someone else's child

So I'd change the subject and talk about the news

I barely understood it, but somehow he was amused

I looked in the mirror and saw a pudge, and sucked my stomach in hopes of tightening up

And daddy chuckled and asked "what are you doing?"

"I suck my tummy in because I have a problem with food daddy"

And he listened intently and told me there's better ways

But if I go down this path, I'll soon make myself sick

So I pretended to listen

Though my mind disappeared

In a world where monstrous thoughts made their appearance

And I questioned my behaviors from 4th grade to 11th. I would binge at night, and restrict til period 7

And I would cry in my room, fighting unknown demons

And I'd take anything in proximity til the thoughts were defeated

Eventually I reached a place people thought was okay

But when I looked in mirrors I was full of despair

So I'd drown in bottles and take off underwear

Hoping someone in the void could fill up this hole

And the hole became bigger and devoured my lovers

It devoured my father as devoured my mother

So eventually, I decided to be alone

For if not, the hole would be all that I know