insufficient

 

I cannot begin to explain how utterly detached I feel. I yearn for something better. A day where I  do not awaken to this agonizing hell, hoping to just sleep forever and die. But instead, in that place, a day where the daytime holds beauty and a mind that is not malnourished due to lack of good intentions and positive actions. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FEEL AGAIN.  Do you know how it is to feel so earnestly like a wind up toy? Hoping that maybe the person that controls this horrific thing, designed out of broken memories and hopeless identity will find its creation a purpose? 

I get chills lying awake at night, just listening to the same f*****g song on repeat for days on end, my body just some askew stick. One that gets yelled at constantly, to "place more food into my mouth and bathe because you smell."

But I am so lost in this ephemeral happiness. Because when it gets bad my joy finally fades quickly and I am too slow to chase after it. 

I want to know all of these words. To let myself be open to so many interpretations, so many ideas, so many different angles to witness this beautiful light. 

But all I seem to do is sit still and smile, my vocal chords mute, bereft of all of the things I wanted to say, all of the words that littered my mind the previous night before when I was angry at myself for being so insufficient. 

But the only thing I can croak out are a string of incomprehensible mix of feelings. Because it's true. I miss all of those things that I should have cherished. Those people I let go of. Those nights I wasted being alone. 

But then that word returns and within the confines of brain a short circuit occurs, and it's all I can do before I realize that I am -

insufficientinsufficientinsufficientinsufficientinsufficientinsufficientinsufficientinsufficient. 

Author's Note

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bE7yK1-QbW4

This song helped in the process. Quite certain that none of you will enjoy it, but if you have an open mind and open ears, then go right ahead.

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

This is downright... a heavy piece of string words compiled... the way a reader views this as the actual person... the line that got me is the wind up toy... and the proceeding question after it... and then the rest just lays out in full array... you take the ending rather like a broken record... skipping at the same place over and over again...

[A. H. Pinley]

What I get from your piece is a person confined to a wheelchair. One of those motorized ones. The person in your story may have been a person with great ability that may have not paid too much attention to those around she or he. No after an accident the freedom and liberties they once took for granted are now just out of reach. Good work!

[Marie]

Sounds like a computer stating that there's insufficient data to continue...

[Ruhoun Q. Geins]

You are more than enough. Your touch onto my lips are enough to bring joy into my life. Just hold me tight and cry. Cry your troubles onto my shoulder and I will carry it for you.

[ThoughtsofShyann]

Loved it you should listen to Daughter-love and see where that takes you! :) i would definitely read that!!!

[Zero_Edge88]

Good music by the way, what a way to get the nerves going through but then I remember I've been listening to so much Manson and Rammstein with some electronic artists such as Bloody Beetroots I feel so numbed from the music that screams in my ears.

"For are we not insufficient individuals also? As to provide we are sufficient and efficient we must prove something of worth. This is after all our best shot at what makes us so different from anything else. For we are empty souls on the side of knowledge gaining the best we can at our worst so that we may enable ourselves to the experience. No shortcomings or failures will hinder us as they created a berth wide enough for us to swim again continuously. This is after all the makings of our own destiny. Happiness is one that never runs off it is one that stays in place. Despair and sadness however walks with us indubitably. Life in its volatile state is one that never to stop us from falling in line in the first place. Instead we must learn to step up and be ready when it comes again. Euphoria is a contagious disease but one can never take a cure from it after all, why rid happiness when we need to take a ride with it. Insufficient is the individual who not know what to contribute to the world but to the one who provides is not only sufficient but is also efficiently effective to take charge of their life into a different plane."

[Karl Woof Junior]

reminds me of this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Dybby26QnU jk but what song is on repeat

[Karl Woof Junior]

wind up toy oh my god that just made my day.... effing genius