Escaping

The fight for freedom

  Escaping

l let the water foam over my feet and the gentle waves lap over my face while watching the helicopter circle overhead.  Lying in the water I tried to make myself as small as possible without choking on the somewhat persistent water.  I was trying to hold on to the little hope I had left.  Five minutes later the helicopter retreated into the evening sky towards the large imposing castle on the rock ledge ten miles behind me.  I stayed submerged a bit longer silently rejoicing in my twenty-first escape attempt, my first success.  Each failure had meant returning to a land without hope, friendship or kindness.  It meant feeling the thrice cursed whip lashing at my raw flesh, stale hard food if any, and my cold, hard cot.

        I got up slowly cherishing the moment.  The pain in my leg was sharp and quickly eating away at my much needed energy.  I was wasting precious time.  My dress clung desperately to my legs, when I pulled it away it just re-wrapped itself.  Making up my mind, I tore off a piece of my fraying dress hem.  I wrapped it around the bloody mess the guard dog had made of my leg before running towards the trees.  Glancing up at the slowly sinking sun I realised the urgency of my situation.  I needed a shelter - and fast.  I assembled some leafy branches around the base of a tree and sat with my back to its firm trunk.  For the first time I let my imagination run.  One million “what if” thoughts raced through my head until I had the sense to tell myself “you can ‘what if’ yourself to death,” before I slipped into a world of dreams...

 

I was running through a meadow full of colours and little flowers, the sun blaring brightly overhead.  A woman called to me, she was beautiful. Her hair was like night, draped over her shoulders in gentle curls bringing out the colour of her pale skin with just a touch of brown, her mouth curved into a gentle smile- my mother.  She sat with a man and a little baby boy - my family.  We were having a picnic, laughing and smiling.  

I was wrenched from my dream by the sound of a dog’s bark.

Rubbing my eyes I noted the darkness covering the world.  I also noticed two bright yellow lights; flashlights, I realised with a jolt, looking for me.  I fled deeper into the forest through the taller trees.  Only once I’d run clear through the forest did I bother to stop.  The openness gave me a feeling of worry.  If a certain helicopter was to fly overhead looking for me, I would be back to castle Crail.  On the other hand, I did not have the strength to run.  I jogged across the open plain, stopping again at the edge of the dark forest. As I caught my breath, I stared at the dark tall trees that let in no light.  It took all my willpower to take one step out of sight, into the forest.  

I jumped back half a step, expecting something to jump out at me.  When nothing did, I took another step forcing my legs to carry me through this.  Trees branches reached towards me ripping at my dress, roots sprung up to trip me, brambles twisted around my bare feet and wild animals called and birds screeched.  My imagination turned on me making every wisp of fog a snake sliding through the trees.  I picked up speed till I was running as fast as I could.  Still no light showed through the trees to signal the end of my torture.  I ran with my hands covering my neck because I didn't have time to look at what might be behind me.  My heart was tearing at my chest and I started to panic.  My mind was racing.  Was it faster to go back out the way I came, or do I keep going?  If I turned back I could skirt the forest, but that would take time and unfortunately time was one of the many things I was short of.  I was also short of food meaning I would need to go to a town and get food.  I also needed new clothes, which  meant I needed a job, because money happens to be on that long list of things I'm short on.  I began talking to myself and planning things like how to get a job, what job and how to get out of town, if they come for me or if the town was told to watch for me.  If I wanted to be at all safe, it meant going hundreds of miles from here to anywhere with another Overlord ruling another land.  

Finally, I could see a light.  I strained and ran just a bit harder trying to reach that light.  The brightness was overwhelming. Sharp pain jabbed at my eyes.  When my eyes recovered I could see a small town off in the distance. I wanted to get as far away from the forest as possible but the town was far too many miles away for me to go before sundown.  If I started walking now a helicopter could easily find me.  As much as I hated the woods I would have to stay in their cover.  The town could be my new start, there I might be safe.  If I was lucky the overlord would protect me, if not I would have to run further but it was a start, a start for my new life.  My happy ending.  I looked back at the forest, behind it was the place of my torture.  I had to let that go now, forget the horrors that had happened there if I wanted to start again.  I needed to start again.  I pushed all my memories away, I was ready for my beginning.

Reviews

[bubblefet]

you brought me with you and you let us inject our own peril wich is what i liked about it! i like writing that lets you b a part of it

[Daisygirl]

I'm so glad that you thought that because being in the story with the girl is what I was aiming for!

[David Jae]

This is compelling, with a strong start that makes you want to know more about the escaped girl and why she is running. However, I have to agree with Percy that it feels a little distant without much sense of peril.

Consider an alternative; she arrives in the town, injured with her dress torn and she is found by a local innkeeper or something. She is offered a place to stay, but does not tell him how she was injured. Do not reveal what she is running from or why. Later, people come looking for her and she needs protection.

But, your work has a lot of potential and these things are always easier to see in hindsight.

Ganbare

[Daisygirl]

Thanks for the review, I actually have a second ending somewhere where she does get to a village so it's funny that you thought about that.

[Percy]

I enjoyed this, it stirs up a lot of interesting questions about this escapee girl, I'd love to know why she's been locked up.
it's exciting, and pretty gripping but (and maybe this is just me)
I can't keep but feel it's a little detached, I know she is escaping a place of torment for her but I didn't feel it as
much as I hoped, I know the helicopter is flying over head but I don't feel her frantically searching for it in the skyline,
she she doesn't jump at sounds around her or cringe when she remember the guard dogs teeth shredding her leg,
I don't feel the branches pull her hair or scratch her face, I don't feel her exhaustion or terror.
this is a good story but I feel like it is missing the descriptiveness that would make my heart pound like hers.

[Daisygirl]

I never noticed that before but I can totally see what you mean. I'll have to revisit this one a bit later. Thanks.

[Meat of Dog]

This story was short but exciting from the beginning. At first I thought it was just someone literally hanging out on the beach watching a helicopter but then was like whoa, whoa, wait. I like the descriptions here, the delirium and entering a world of ‘dreams’ while running. It’s amazing what adrenaline can do, I was amazed she held out as long as she did having been mangled by a dog and then soaking in salt water. It’s intense but very believable, especially the way you created the atmosphere around it. I liked how suspenseful and eerie this story was with a total cliffhanger ending. It really caught my attention.

Suggestions:
“I got up slowly cherishing the moment.” I would add a coma after ‘slowly’.

“brown, her mouth curved into a gentle smile- my mother.” Here I would suggest ending the sentence at ‘brown’ and starting a new one. Same here: ‘at the forest, behind’. If not a period a semi colon would work after ‘forest’.

[Daisygirl]

Those are good suggestions, thanks for the help. I'm glad you liked it and thought it was exiting.

[Meat of Dog]

Yeah, of course!

[bubblefet]

why is it every good poem or story i always c comments on grammar when i write sumtin i post right away cuz its the feeling that was captured and when the brain goes back to look over and understand it can wreck wht the feelings shared smart people are hard to plz