VOICES OUT OF THE MOUNTAIN

A small boy falls asleep and wakes to find the mountain alive with terror ----

 

I found a large rock and sat.

Here on the very top of Thunder Butte, one looks out forever, into that vast expanse of range land, the Great Plains as early settlers must have seen it.

So far removed from the earth that as we know it,  everything is tiny, seeming to disappear into nothingness.

Sleepiness hovers in the air, black clouds hang on the horizon, nothing stirs, birds are quiet and a deathly silence pervades the atmosphere.

Sleep descends, the mist settles over my mind and I curl up on this big rock in deep s l e e p -----------

Suddenly the earth is trembling, Thunder Butte feels to be alive beneath me, clouds are settlling around the butte, it is growing dark.

Awake at last, my horse is gone, a sudden trembling  beneath my feet again---- did I just hear someone moan ?  Was it the wind ?
I am growing desperate.  The wind has a biting chill---can I ever find my way down the mountain ?

Picking my way over the precipice in the darkness, it is necessary to pass by a number of caves which lead in to the bowels of the mountain.

Feeling my way along the rock face, I am in the mouth of the first cave, the blackness in the cave is even darker than the night which cloaks the land.

Deep within the cave a voice, faint, almost indistinct, plaintive, pleading----h e l p  me~
and I ran, panting, sweat soaking my clothes, stumbling on the narrow path, falling------

Rolling downward, finding myself in the entrance of the second cave.

From the blackness, groaning and another voice, faint , unintelligable.

My body bruised and scratched, I am white with fear, clothing soaked in sweat, the mountain shakes and trembles and voices come from out of  the earth  in an increasing crescendo.   h h e l --------he l p ----
more moaning as from an unearthly, demonic presence deep within the trembling earth.

Falling, falling , tumbling end over end, hopeless thundering landslide coupled with cracks of thunder and lightning striking everywhere .

Wake up, John !  Wake up ! 
You will be late for school.  You know what the teacher said last time you were late.  "You day dream tooo much."

I should not have had that piece of cake before I went to bed, but I peek out the bedroom window just to be sure old Thunder Butte Mountain is still there.
----Eagle Cruagh

Reviews

[Tracie Skarbo]

Smiles, I was on the edge of my seat as soon as the kid hit the caves... a voice rising out of the deep rocky blackness...jeepers it gave me the shivers. I envisioned a long lost hiker that had fallen somewhere and come to his end. The suspense you have given this peice is something I wish I could live up to.

I liked the end too. I used to be a day dreamer, especially in school so I could definitely relate to this.

Tigra

[StrawberryDream]

Loved it! You have such a fluid, personal tone to your poems that is both pleasant to the senses and imagination. A lovely experience... Dream-like, magical. :3

[Shellie]

I like this story. And i really think the fact it was a dream was a good ending, i expected a twist at the end, then as i read i thought oh no and it felt real and i was thinkin who is in the caves and then i saw there was a twist that it was eating late caused the nightmare, but you described the nightmare part itself wuitw well, you brought the reader close to a fast beating heart. Dont change anything [please] its perfect.

[Lena M. P.]

Nice piece of imagery. You kept it in the context of a little boys dream world. You played on his fear of darkness, the unknown bogeyman, the vast quiet of the mountains he calls home. I really enjoyed the read.

[Marianna Venodecci]

I like the imagery you used: "white with fear - clothing soaked with sweat" and the personification: "night which cloaks the land." Good story, and the ending is abrupt, but in a good way because it catches you off guard - something you don't expect.

[James Watts]

Unlike those reviewers who feel they must break every thing down so it fits what they believe writing should be, I will review this on a simpler note. I liked it and I think it came out just as you intended. I noticed many reviewers on here that will read something out of the genre they prefer and then try to review as if it were.That or try to dig for some hidden meaning. This was a nice piece and I enjoyed it.

[Peter Grantham]

To be honest, I found the end to be anti-climatic. I think the piece could be made more powerful if the action is not a dream.

I also agree with Kate that the story is rushed.

It's a good story as it is, but I'd love to see an improved version.

[Kate]

This is a great piece, but I feel you could make it better with a few more paragraphs. I say this because reading it I felt the action was rushed from one thing to another. Take the time to add a few more adjectives throughout the piece.

The present tense is used well in this case (and I am rarely ever fond of it,) but I feel that this may be the reason your text feels rushed.

Don't get me wrong, because I love how well put together this is especially for such a low word count. The ending was creative, but a bit overused. Maybe if you go into more details in the beginning, the ending will be even less suspected.

I'd certainly say that a few revisions could give this piece potential. Great writing!

-Kate

[Wondering Mind]

I certainly didn't expect the end! Very descriptive; it draws the reader on. I enjoyed the read very much

[Winter McPherson]

This is great! And he awakens to find it only some dreadful dream. It gets scary as it flows along, pulling the reader into the black caves....only to end with a playful piece of cake. Yes, eating late makes you have nightmares for sure. :)