How To Take Care Of Your Roaches

Low maintenance friends need love too.

Feed your roaches plenty of protein. Sing to them and play their favorite music. Give them soda and pizza. They like candy, cakes and anything rotting around the house. Garbage is perfect. Keep your home dirty and cluttered. They love hoarders. Give them plenty of places to hide and room to grow.  Avoid soap and cleaning at all cost. They prefer dirt. Dirt is dirty but good. Roaches need water in order to thrive. Keep your floors and countertops wet at all times. They hate light. Keep the lights off in the kitchen. Don't make sudden movements. They frighten easily. Don't show home movies of your vacation. No one likes that. Don't show them pictures of naked exterminators. That will surely scare them away.  Keep the TV on. They like commercials. There are plenty of roaches to go around so, if you live in an apartment complex remember to share. What are neighbors for? You can never have too many friends. Don't name them. Again, there are too many. No need to be formal. “Roaches” will do just fine.  Even though they have been around for billions of years, they are only here as visitors, uninvited guests, here to eat and spread diseases so keep it simple. Be friendly and smile. They like simplicity. They are not sensitive creatures so you don't have to be polite. If you step on them they will make a horrible sound. Don't use hammers or bazookas because the noise will frighten them and wake the children.  If you want to keep them around forever it is no secret. Give them a warm and comfortable home. Roaches don't like the cold. They like the same things as us. Roaches are very low maintenance. They take care of themselves; not to be confused with wives or movie stars. That's another story. Never answer your doors for exterminators or clergy. Exorcisms and pest controllers make bugs sick. You can't kill insects so you might as well join them. Invite politicians over for company. They have so much in common. Never give a roach birth control. That is the ultimate insult. Don't discus abortion or religion either. If you want your roaches to be with you forever do not worry. Love them or hate them they will always be with you. You can count on that. They are here to stay. Pass the gravy.