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Alien Instructions Upon Landing

Alien Instructions Upon Landing

A Poem by Earl Schumacker

Educational tips for uninvited species to Earth. "Where is your visa?"


Alien Instructions Upon Landing

(Perspectives on being human)

When you find a marble in your hand or head

(And you will because it will be roundish)

Hurl it immediately at humans to get attention

It is abnormal to own an unhurled marble

Unheard of and Earthlings get suspicious

When you don't fling things in their direction

Never take your head off in public or at bus stops

Keep them on a table next to the oatmeal box

Face North towards traffic when on highways

Get out of your car for best results at night

Avoid tickets and crashes when necessary

Eventually you will get caught because

The third eye on your forehead stands out

You could end up in Arizona dissected on a slab

Placed on a petri dish for inspection or worse

On the menu in a California restaurant

As the dinner spaceman specimen special

Beware of duck tape and duct tape as they are confusing

Avoid long tubes and walks in the park due to muggings

Keep an abundant amount of wallets in your pouch

These savages use probes in unheard of places

Stay clear from girls named Sue or Bob

Hide your space craft in a corn field or swamp

Never at a parking spot without exact change

You will be ticketed and towed at owners expense

Never use a cemetery without a shovel and map

Never drink the water in foreign lands or planets

Shave only in the dark with blazing lasers

If you must use a toilet lift the seat

Leave the light on in case of emergencies

These creatures are heathens with sharp teeth

Some go to church or bark at the moon

Hands are used for working and picking noses

(Read about noses in the manual)

If you can't find it use the hand book on faces

Or Google it on Facebook if you are lazy

Feet are used for walking (Don't talk to them)

English is a second language so use it twice

Be normal because insanity is not nice

It is not polite to call people crazy but do it anyway

If you must mate outside your species use protection

Scanners work best for ladies

Hammers and nails for men

If you forget their names call them “Hey you.”

The best advice on blending in with humans is;

Look them in the two eyes on their faces

Don't look for another one or ask if they misplaced it

(Eyes are not to be confused with marbles)

Say hello and rob them when they sleep

Look both ways when stepping into traffic

If you get hit call for back up

If you get arrested (And you will)

Use your visas and say you are from France

(Without a speech impediment from Mars)

Everyone loves the French and their foreign fries

It is good to have an alibi when coming from the sky

© 2020 Earl Schumacker

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Added on January 16, 2020
Last Updated on January 16, 2020
Tags: Alien, instructions, blending in, legals


Earl Schumacker
Earl Schumacker

Atlantic City, NJ

B.A. Degree in Literature and Language. I enjoy writing short stories, poetry, novels and keeping up with new scientific discoveries. I enjoy philosophy and Art appreciation. more..