2009 In Retrospect

Reflections on an interesting year

Okay, so. 2009. Where to begin?

It's been a year. A long one. A lot has happened, and a lot of other things that were supposed to happen, didn't. I guess it's all okay. I've arrived at a lot of conclusions this year, decided how I felt about a lot of things and a lot of people, figured out some things about myself.
It's been a thinking kind of year. Up until recently I had nothing but free time for introspection. Then I got a job, which strangely gave me even more time to sit around and think.
I still live with my grandparents, which wasn't in the plan. I lost a good job at the end of last year, and had to break off plans to move into a pretty cool apartment. I didn't recover financially until a couple of months ago, and I'm still not exactly where I belong. But I'm close. I'm getting there. Every day I get perceptibly closer. It's nice to finally see my efforts reflected in numbers. I'll be the first to admit, financial stability has made me something of a reckless spender. I'm about two thousand bucks lighter than I ought to be at this point, but I just couldn't help myself. I wanted to take Vanessa out to dinners and movies and Six Flags. I wanted to upgrade my PC. I wanted to get everyone the cool Christmas presents I couldn't afford last year. I want the tab to be on me for once. It feels good. It feels like I'm a man, because I can make things happen or not happen basically at will, rather than hope someone's got the goodwill to make them happen for me.

I've accepted my Atheism, as well. It may seem strange that I had to accept something like that. It's not like I'm gay or something, right? It's not the way I was born, it's a choice I made. But believe me, there's a lot of acceptance and re-learning and coming out of closets for a new Atheist. You find yourself trying to blend in, in a kind of depressing way.
I still reflexively act like I respect believers. Somebody will say or do some insane thing and the only way to save face is to act like their point of view is somehow valid because it's religiously motivated. My family are a pack of racist homophobes and I'm supposed to say, in polite company, "Oh, it's just the way they were raised." I'm supposed to respect adults who believe in fairy tales and keep my opinions to myself, when they don't have to.
"Don't talk that way about God."
"There is no God, Grandma."
"You don't really mean that."
Because I can't *really* live without faith, can I? And at this point in the conversation, my only move is to excuse myself or change the subject. Pursuing the argument goes nowhere because everyone around me is so firmly entrenched in their way of thinking. I guess everyone has a right to their opinion... so why is mine the only one that's invalid?
It's like my Dad says. "The Constitution says we have freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM religion." Sure, they may think Muslims and Jews and Buddhists and Hindus are wrong... but at least they believe SOMETHING. At least they're not heathen Atheists. This has been a strange experience.

I've also accepted my diminished ability to experience regular emotions. I'm not exactly dead inside or anything, but I've realized that I am extremely, chronically depressed, and that in all likelihood I'll end up needing therapy. I am always, always tired. I eat incessantly because taste is kind of like feeling, and I can't summon the energy or drive to exercise regularly because I just don't see the point. As a result I've gained an unacceptable amount of weight. My sex drive is impossibly low for a man my age and it's placing an unprecedented stress on my relationship. All signs point to a classically, chemically imbalanced type of depression. I do my best to think myself happy, and I say the things a positive person says, but I can't hold it together forever. Hopefully I can hold it together long enough, right?

I guess everything's all right. I'm not broken. My job pays me every week and my car starts every morning. I love her and she loves me. Sometimes I can write and I feel like I'm getting pretty good at it. I'm the best damage-dealer in Doom Smash Kill. My friends are few but they are incredible, special people.

I guess I'm okay. Let 2010 come.

Reviews

[Amber Wadsworth]

Sure, this is several years too late, but I had to say thanks for posting this. I haven't read something with so much candid emotion and raw power in a while. While not exactly synonymous with the message of the song, it made me think of "Keep Your Head Up" by Andy Grammar. This short reflection has, in about three minutes, changed the way I think. Best of luck with your writing and everything else!

[Brie]

I battle with depression myself, so I know where you're coming from. 2010 is going to be great...just you watch!

[UponATyme]

Very though provoking. It's a little sad that you feel you are an outcast because you're an Atheist, but I guess it would be naive to think that anybody who believes or doesn't believe in anything can ever be truly accepted. If it's any condolence, I often feel alone in the fact that I do believe in a God, because so many of my friends don't. There really is no winning!
I hope 2010 is a good year for you. There's only so low life can go before it has to pick back up again, right? As for the depression you feel is developing or surfacing or whatnot, be happy that you've done what a lot of people can't do: admit there may be a problem. I have no doubt that you're the type of person who would benefit from help if you chose to seek it; you're too strong-willed to be caught up in the "impending doom" frame of mind that so many others fall victim to.
Also, you're absolutely right about your writing, it's improved magnificently. You are honestly one of very few amateur writers that I truly enjoy.

[Tony]

I spend many an hour browsing here in the cafe and very occasionally I find things that I really like.
This is an example.
In a world where exists endless entertainment.
And truly grave social practices.
And where ignorant, arrogant, and brainwashed humans who look pretty normal lurk everywhere.....
This young fellow has laid his heart out for us all to examine and contemplate.
The author is articulate and interesting to read.
Excellent work sir. But if you are half as clever as is exposed in this piece and as in touch with the universe as I believe you are......
Well, hell. Welcome to reality.
And be prepared to experience continuing beauty and pain in a way people will never understand.
And keep writing it down.
Ok, I'm finished.
Thanks for posting this.

[CircusNerd]

wow. the things that happen in the course of a year are....life-changing - but no, things like that can happen in the course of a day. enlightening. that's it. things that take time to happen - not immediate results, consequences, retorts from others, yea...this was a really interesting read, to say the least. i sort of had to look back to all the strange things that happened to me in the past year. i fell in "love" for the first time, stayed there for 5 months, had my heart broken, and went through that process again. hopefully i stick my mind to the textbooks better this year. i got my first B in school - as a consequence of the "distractions." i took my SATs, got bunches of college info from places i've never heard of, fought way too many times with my best friends, and probably trashed and revived the relationship i have with my parents to the point where it's raw and barely alive - hopefully something else i can work on. hm, i decided i wasn't an actual hindu anymore - considering i question my "beliefs" too often for any one's liking, and i've yet to figure out where i stand on the religious scale, but hopefully i'll get there soon enough. i did enjoy how you constantly talked to the audience - though it still felt like you were speaking to a character in the story, or a pensive. whichever, i guess. thanks for the eye-opening read. the reviews will come in surely :)