Sweet... Emotions..........

Oh boy my first challenge in a long time!  I AM going to succeed at writing every day for 29 days.  It is the SHORTEST month and if I can't then I won't be a writer.

I am learning so much about myself and I am happy for the first time in what seems like an eternity.  Even at the birth of each of my kids the happiness was surrounded with fear.  Fear was the number 1 emotion in my life it seems like forever.  I am trying to knock fear off the top and put it somewhere it belongs, close to the bottom.  We all need fear to keep us in place to some degree but not to the extent I had it.  I am so grateful I found Co-Dependent No More, I am becoming ME and I am in no rush.  I am enjoying my days at a good pace.  I have no rush to be anywhere.  I am okay today.  I always was in a rush to be some where thinking my head would be good once I achieved what ever it was.  A new house, when my kids get to be..., when my gets a real job making money, when I make more money, when when when.  I feel so good I don't care about WHEN anymore.  I spend my days now focusing on the task at hand.  I can even write even if I think I have nothing to write about.  The river is flowing up in that head of mine.  My kids are okay, my house is okay, my mom is okay, my job is okay.  I look forward to each day, no more anxiety about getting the laundry done, going grocery shopping, getting to work on time....... I am amazed at the transformation I feel right now knowing I am healing and it is because I discovered I am Co-Dependent to the utmost but I can fix it.  All I have to do is be aware that I am, make sure I don't put myself in the line of other people's fire, don't try to fix other people's problems and keep up with my responsibilities.  I am responsible for my actions, keeping my children safe and healthy.  I am responsible to be present when I am with my kids, and when I am with others or at a meeting.  I find that really listening is all I need to do.  I don't need to be defensive or try to explain myself.  I am who I am and once I accept me for me I will be really good, excellent actually. 
I do have one nagging thing and that is the relationship I am in.  I am happy.  He seems equally happy although he has unfinished business that could ultimately end what I hope is the relationship I could only dream of having.  My feelings have been stifled because it is safer for both of us if I don't open up completely until he is available.  He is working on his emotionally well being as much as I am therefore I need patience and will power.  I know he is honest and truthful with me and right now that is all he can be.  In some ways just knowing that makes it harder on me coming out of a marriage that had little or no honesty and any truth was perception at best.  It makes it harder because it makes me more attracted to him.  I find myself having to stop thinking about it or I just long for the next time I will see him.  Wow!  I had no idea what desire to be with another person could do to me when it is best to push the feeling aside.  It is safer for me not to let the feeling flow in.  It is stopped like a dam stops water.  It almost hurts if that can be true.  However, I don't want to walk away there is too much that the both of us benefit from emotionally, mentally even physically.  We have walked around on so many of the days we have spent together.  What does it mean?  I don't think it matters right now so I am okay to some degree to keep the feelings stopped at the dam.  It is spring around the corner and most dams are opened in the spring to let the melting snow filter safely into the rivers and not cause damage.  I now wonder if this spring I will be able to open my dam, my safety dam and enjoy the feelings as they flow on their own.  Ahhh but I can't think ahead for now, it is far better enjoying things as they come naturally.  I am living in the present in the now and I am benefiting, and so is everyone else that is around me!   

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Good to look into your life. Take a brave person to see their mistakes and learn from them. I like the journey you took me with you and the positive ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[highthought]

one Chinese saying the trip of a thousand miles start with one step.u did something and more u had the courage to admit that u re trying to know ur self which others dont say that