Peterson Review

PETERSON BOOK REVIEW
ERIC FOURNIER
LIBERTY UNIVERSITY ONLINE

Summary
    Communication is the key to happy living and good business transactions.  Without communication our daily lives would be dull and lacking; it is good communication that really makes us thrive.  Petersen does a great job at relating to the lack of understanding about listening that most people possess; he illustrates through models how flat brained society has become. (pp 10-17)  Persons who are flat brained are those who are unable to successfully process communication in thought and action; the general reason for people becoming flat brained is due to emotional highs, whether negative or positive that get in the way of recognizing what they are listening too.  Listening is a very demanding skill and almost always requires someone too look at the issue from the talkers point of view first. (p 92)  Thankfully, Petersen set up his table of contents in his text to be very comprehensive; the book was formulated to be read in a series of sessions and practiced as such.  Breaking down communication as Petersen did over 25 chapters seems tedious, but upon careful reading it is soon recognized that communication is a lost art.  The first section deals with the emotional responses that communicators face, the second part explores the talker-listener process, part three delves into listening techniques, and lastly in part four Peterson discusses ways to integrate the skills in his text into group and one on one sessions.  It seems to the reader that Peterson’s goal is to show the world how to be a better listener than a good talker, not much time is given to the subject; however, Petersen does focus on talking techniques by relating that when it is time for someone to talk it is not time for them to accuse or attack.  In turn, the listener is informed that an empathetic response is needed before the talker will usually accept any other form of response, whether question, critique, or advice.  Also important for the listener to remember is that most talkers don’t really want the advice that most listeners want to give; the advice that listeners often desire to relate comes from urges to stop listening, or to promote their own agendas.  Either way, Petersen desires for his readers to understand that good listening comes for a true desire to understand the point of view of the talker.  In truth it is good to take turns in the talker-listener process and Petersen focuses his reader’s attention to this in his chapter about the talker-listener game.  The chapter gives a detailed process with rules and an example of the game being played by a family. Probably the best parts of the text are the examples that Petersen gives as he shows different ways that words can form opinions in both the listener and talker.  The ultimate best part though and a great tool is the listener-talker card, wallet sized and mobile, used to distinguish talker-listener boundaries.
Response
    Memories that come forward while reading Petersen’s text usually relate to my naval experience working as a chaplain’s assistant.  Often a sailor would come to the chaplain’s office with issues about their command or personal life and were in deep need of shoulder, tissues, and ears.  Though I was not directly involved in the counseling of these individuals I was the one who directed them where they needed to go and often because I was the same rank as they were they would try to use me as a sounding board for their problems.  The lesson I learned is that people are often afraid of relating matters of a personal nature to those who outrank them.  It often seemed that people would avoid the chaplain because he was an officer and they believed that because of the rank differences the chaplain had an agenda.  Understanding Petersen’s text now makes me aware of how I could have helped.  I didn’t know how to communicate that the chaplain had no agenda along with client-counselor privileges.  Unless the client was in immediate distress and or desiring to commit harm to themselves or others the chaplain did not express what the counseling was about to the counselee’s command.  Also important for me now is understanding and practicing the talker-listener card.  The tools that Petersen gives in his text are invaluable and would have been useful to my last marriage.  Now that I have a better understanding of how communication works maybe my next relationship will provide sweeter fruit and allow for the both of us to express our true feelings.  
Reflection
    The technique I thought most helpful was the gulp mechanism; learning to remain silent in a conversation while I let the other person talk out their issues even if it causes me emotional discomfort.  Often I have found in my past that by letting my emotions well up inside and flow outward that it has turned the talker off the conversation and either starts an argument or flows the conversation to an entirely different topic.  I am reluctant to use the talker-listener card without more training.  Though the card seems easy enough to understand, it seems difficult to master without live training and examples.  I believe Petersen was more than correct when he stated towards the end of his book that it takes practice to be a good listener and because it takes practice everyone will stumble and seem robotic until they have re-learned how to be an effective listener.  I do believe more emphasis should be given to talking and it would be a very efficient way to pair two books together, one book being about listening and one about talking.  
    Another technique that I believe is highly beneficial is the repeat accurately technique. (p 128)  This technique involves repeating the words of the talker back to them, it can be the whole statement or just part of their statement as long as it projects back to the listener what you believe their main idea of their conversation is.  Finding the subject allows us to better grasp what the talker is trying to say and allows for mutual understanding.  Repeating accurately is also an empathetic response, and as stated earlier it takes the talker hearing an empathetic response to usually accept any other form of responses.  
Action
    It seems important for talkers to feel heard on both an emotional and intellectual level, or at least it seems that this was what Petersen was trying to relate in his text.  That being said it seems paramount that I immediately start to put these new listening tools into practice.  Of course as stated, the two tools I immediately gravitate too are the gulp mechanism and the repeat accurately tool.  Preparing myself for these will take gradual practice and the change won’t come overnight, but with the use of the talker-listener card I will be able to set into action the change that will allow me to be a better listener.  I must remember that often it is not advice the talker seeks, but an ear for me to be a sounding board to them.  Another important aspect of this changing process will be learning how to apologize and accept for myself that I am not perfect.  Setting my goals aside, I must try to put their goals first, while still protecting myself from being hurt by allowing myself to become too vulnerable when it’s not healthy to be.  Petersen has shown me that communication is about trust and valuing the goals of the talker.  It is my job to provide the talker with a safe place to express their thoughts. (p 93)  It is also my job to learn when people are trying to take advantage of my listening abilities in order to control me.  I must be alert to this sort of abuse as it can allow myself and others to be quickly hurt if the talker is trying to manipulate me to their cause for their own selfish goals.  
    The next step I must take is to continue practicing.  I cannot understate the importance of this step.  To be the best communicator I can be means that I will know the right words to say, the right way to listen, and the best way to respond.  Knowing how to get my point across will help me when I am called upon to speak publically or in group or one on one sessions with clients, and then allowing for them to speak back is also a crucial step.  What I mean by this is that I must be willing to hear my clients out as well, I cannot alienate them for my own selfish goals.  Using the talker-listener card will be my key to good practice and I hope that I will be able to integrate it into my counseling practice when I become a counselor.

References
Petersen, J. C. (2007) Why don’t we listen better? Communicating & connecting in relationships. (pp 10-17, 92-93, 128) Portland, OR: Petersen Publications