Claws Of A Cloud

Not even close to being finished but just wanted to know what people think of it.

Prologe

Queen Sacrlet’s arena

Pyrria

The Great War

The sand dragon was

Falling.

Her venomous tail whipped to her sides, trying to find something to hang onto. Her wings were useless and clamped in cold metal chains. She let ot a mighty roar before crashing to the ground by the side of Queen Scarlet’s arena. A flash of pale yellow flew closer to the arena from the horizon. “Thorn… I knew you’d come…” Cacti reached a weak talon toward her sister. “CACTI!” Thorn roared, diving closer to the ground. SkyWings above were jeering at the group of SandWings gathered around her body, and in the distance, she could hear others laughing. She took a deep breath, and her sister took her talon. “Persimmon and Miri are coming right now, you just have to hold on…” Thorn whispered, squeezing her talons. “Persimmon… The strange wing from the Lost Continent?” “She’s on our side, don't worry.” She whispered,the brown freckles on her snout shining in the sun. Her black eyes seemed to be filled with warmth somehow. “I won’t make it… and you know it. Don’t endanger Miri, or the other SkyWings will know she’s helping us.” She paused, wheezing for a moment. “Plus, the Outclaws need you.” Thorn frowned. “Qibli and Six-claws are there. They’ll be fine for a while. I doubt Burn would dare invade.” Cacti stuttered a deep, raspy sigh and closed her obsidian-coloured eyes. “Cacti, WAKE UP!” Thorn yelled, her black eyes filling with tears. “WAKE UP!” She roughly grabbed the pale yellow dragon, her claws digging into her still scales. “WAKE UP!” Her voice echoed around the mountains, almost shaking the earth. A copper-red coloured dragon with gold chain mail and rubies embedded in her scales flew forward to the scene, with other red-and orange dragons not far behind her. “Scarlet,” Thorn growled, releasing the SandWing. “It’s Queen Scarlet, actually, Thorn. What a nice reunion! I grieve with you, dear. Pity the idiot died. She would have been just thrilling in the arena.” The SkyWing musutered a fake smile and spread her claws. “But you should be thrilling, too! Oh, so much fun! Leader of the Outclaws, killed by a simple prisoner!” Thorn shook her head haughtingly. “Queen of the Skywings… Killed by a simple SandWing!” She cried and lunged forward at the sky dragon. The pale yellow dragons behind her poised their deadly tails and lunged at the SkyWing guards behind her. An orange guard leapt forward and pinned a pale yellow, almost orange, SandWing and opened his snout. “W-what-” she started, looking scared. He blasted fire at her, setting her tail aflame. A deeper yellow SandWing who had been clawing at a SkyWing guard’s face screamed and lunged for the guard who had burned her tail. Over her pained screaming, he screeched, “SUNSET!” and grabbed the guard’s neck, his face twisted with rage. Sunset stomped out her tail and stumbled over to hide behind the deeper yellow SandWing. “Aloe it hurts… is Cacti okay though? She survived Burn’s prison… she can survive Scarlet’s too.” Aloe sighed. “We need to focus on you right now. Let’s get somewhere safe.” Cacti whimpered. “We need to wait for Thorn to give the order.” The guard Aloe was holding looked terrified. “Three moons, just let him go! He’s serving his queen!” The guard laughed hoarsley. “You can’t be a true Outclaw if you can’t kill. What are you? Talons of Peace? Blaze’s Army? Stop the War Club?” Sunset growled. “Thorn is with us. What do you think?” The SkyWing laughed again. “So Thorn’s working with the Talons now?” Aloe pushed the guard’s head down to the rocky ground. “Just kill him now. The others need help fighting!” Sunset grabbed his neck as well. The peach coloured dragon shoved his head up, snapping his neck in one swift movement. She dusted off her claws. “There. Let’s go.” the two SandWings flew closer to the battle, Aloe dipping his tail down to hit a deep crimson SkyWing and Sunset roaring fire down at them. Thorn slashed at Scarlet’s neck, leaving a drip of blood, running down the SkyWing’s scales. Scarlet roared and swiped at her side, leaving bleeding claw marks on her scales. The fight was a tangled up mess of fire, venom, claws, teeth, and blood. The Outclaws left four dead SkyWings and one furious, bloody queen. “Your little friend is dead.” Scarlet growled. “And all the others will be soon. Then you’ll be all alone.” Thorn shook her head. “You’re the only one alone right now.” She flicked her venomous tail slightly, signaling the remaining Outclaws to pick up Cacti’s body and the two others. “Get the wounded to safety. Get the bodies out of the Sky kingdom, and to the Scorpion Den. I’ll be fine. I’m just going to fly for a while.” She flicked her tail again,and the SandWings reluctantly left. Scarlet circled Thorn, the rubies in her scales gleaming in the sunlight. “I’ll be back. And then, once I find your base, you are going to die, slowly and painfully in the arena.” She flew away, cackling to the palace. Thorn flew the opposite direction, to the desert. Once the palace was out of sight, she began to cry. “Oh Stonemover, I wish you where here. I wish Beetle was here. I wish… I wish we had some hope the war would end.” She stretched her yellow neck to the sun, and silently landed in the sand near a cluster of cacti. “I wish the prophecy was real.”

Author's Note

I’m 11

Reviews

[JayG]

Why would you center the text of the story? That would get you an instant rejection.

That aside...

• The sand dragon was Falling.

1. I give up. What’s a sand dragon in context of this story? It could be one from a game, one from another world, be fantasy, or sci-fi, like the dragons of Pern, or, a host of other things. You know, but the reader has no clue. But they must, because without context they have only words in a row, meaning uncertain. And a confused reader is one who is turning away.
2. It was falling? So it was at some time in the past but isn't now? Or, is it that you're presenting the story in past tense? The reader, who just arrived, has no clue of which it is. That’s why we must quickly address the three issues that provide context when opening a story, or entering a scene: Where are we in time and space; what’s going on; and, whose skin do we wear?

Yes, it’s good to start with action, but that action has to be meaningful to the reader. Missing data isn’t a hook, it’s just missing data. And the protagonist should be the reader's avatar, not the character who's the focus of the narrator's attention.

• Her venomous tail whipped to her sides, trying to find something to hang onto.

With no idea of where we are or what’s going on, her options could be trees, building parts, or anything else. You have a mental picture of the scene before you begin reading, so it works for you. The reader? Not...a...clue.

• Her wings were useless and clamped in cold metal chains.

1. As against warm metal chains?
2. Why are they cold, and why does it matter enough to mention?
3. You presented it backward. Her wings are useless BECAUSE they’re clamped. So that comes first. Cause always comes before effect.

You’re working hard, and I hate to be the one to break bad news, but your pre-knowledge is getting in the way, and causing you to mention things that are clear to you, but for which the reader has no context.

Moreover, you’re transcribing yourself playing storyteller. That works for you because you ARE the storyteller. But, can the reader know the emotion you want placed in the words; the gestures to use; the body language and facial expression changes? Nope, because you’ve given the reader your storyteller’s script. And to work, someone has to perform that script exactly as you would—and do that as a cold-read with NO performance notes.

In short, you can’t use the performance skills of verbal storytelling in a medium that reproduces neither sound nor picture.

The greatest strength of fiction for the page is that we can take the reader where other mediums can’t go, into the mind of the protagonist...if, the author acquires the skills needed to do that.

It’s not a matter of how well you write or talent. It’s that like over 90% of hopeful writers you’ve missed some critical points:

1. To write a screen or stage-play you would need additional training in that profession. Right? That applies to working as a journalist or tech-writer, too. Doesn’t it make sense that it applies to the Commercial Fiction Writing profession, as well? They do offer degree programs in it. Would they do that if the skills taught there are unneeded?
2. They have been refining the skills of writing fiction for hundreds of years, finding ways to make the reader NEED to turn pages, and, avoid the traps that lie in wait. Dig into those skills and you, too can do that. Skip that step and you’ll make the beginner’s mistakes, and, not-know-you're-doing-it.


The short version: To write fiction you need the skills the pros take for granted. No way around that. There’s no reason you can’t learn them, but, those skills aren’t optional, even for hobby writing. Your reader, like you, has been choosing fiction that’s been created with those skills. They’ve not seen the tools in use, or the decision-points, because as always, art conceals art. But they do enjoy the RESULT of using them, and will turn away in a paragraph if they’re not used. And THAT’S the best argument I know of for digging into those skills—aside from it making the act of writing a lot more fun once you master them.

To help, some suggestions:

First, grab a copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s a warm easy read that often feels like sitting with Deb as she talks about writing. Try a few chapters for fit. I think you’ll find it eye-opening.

And, for an overview of the traps, gotchas, and misunderstandings that trip so many, you might try a few of my articles and YouTube Videos.

Sorry my news isn't better. But because the points I mentioned are invisible to the author, who won't address and problem they don't see as being one, I thought you might wan't to know.

But, whatever you do, hang in there and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334
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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”


~ Mark Twain
“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”
~ Sol Stein