Grape Juice

Karina suffers from a mental illness. She doesn't have the support from the one person you'd think would always be there for you: your mom. In fact, it may seem her mother is a top contributor...

"Mom is that you?" I said walking towards my living room.

Silence.

I can hear my TV on, and it sounds like someone flipping through the channels. As I get closer to my living room, I can see a familiar hand holding the remote.

"Good morning Karina!" My mom says with a wide grin.

"What are you doing here?" I asked confused.

"What am I not allowed in your place, you gave me a key." She said sounding a little disappointed.

"Of course, you are. I just never expected you to use the key." I stated. I sincerely never expected her to use the key since I live 20 hours away from her house. We also had a huge fight about a week ago, and I was sure she was never gonna speak to me again.

"Well I just wanted to see my beautiful daughter, and let you know I love you." she said starting to walk towards me.

What the hell is going on man? This is so unexpected, she couldn't have called first before driving 20 hours to see me? I'm not complaining, this is all just a little awkward. 

"I love you too, mom," I replied. She gave me a warm tight hug and I could feel how much she loved me. I missed her hugs so much. Every day that went by without her in my life was a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. It is one thing to lose your mom because she has died, but another when she purposely isn't in your life anymore.

"I didn't think I was gonna hear from you again." I croaked with tears in my eyes. I'm getting all emotional once again. I hate when I turn into a cry baby.

"Why would you think that? You're my daughter no matter what. Your brothers and sisters miss you dearly also." She said as she let go of me, looking into my eyes with concern. "Come on pumpkin don't be sad. Why don't you sit down on the couch and I'll get us something to drink." She insisted.

I listened to my mom and waited for her to come back, wiping the tears from my eyes. I'm so happy she came to visit! This is like one of the best moments in my life now. I felt so lonely without her, nobody can take a mother's place. She seemed back to her old self also which is a relief. She smelled like cinnamon and vanilla this time instead of cigarettes and alcohol. I have so much to tell her and questions to harass her with. My life has been so colorless without her, and my depression was kicking my a*s Bruce Lee style.

She came back with two glasses of my favorite drink.

"I see you still keep a fridge full of this grape juice." She said chuckling sitting down next to me.

"Of course!" I said taking a sip.

"You know what my favorite memory of us is?" She asked laying back against my couch looking up at the ceiling.

"No, what?" I mumbled sarcastically as I started leaning back also but closing my eyes instead. She's told me about this memory a billion times. I loved her telling me about it because I was too young to remember.

"Well, you were 3 years old, and I was 18 about to graduate high school. I needed to pick up my paycheck from the shoe store I was working at in the mall. The mall was about to close, so I was rushing through the mall looking crazy. Your little hand was squeezing my hand so tight. Your little legs were moving as fast as they could to keep up with my speed walking. I kept telling you we have to hurry before they close the gate on us. You kept replying okay mama with a worried expression on your small face. It was so cute and made me laugh internally how determined you were to get there in time. You were my best friend and such a good baby. We did make it to the store on time and I picked you up and bounced you around in happiness. You had the most adorable laugh especially when I started to tickle you. After picking up my check we celebrated with a vanilla ice cream cone once we got back home to your grandma's. Even though that may seem so mediocre, it was one of my favorite memories of us. You hogged majority the ice cream, though, but you made sure I got a taste here and there." She said starting to laugh.

"I sounded like a pretty cool baby!" I exclaimed with a cocky smile. I looked over to see her face but she was gone. 

What the hell?

I checked all around my place, but there was no sign of her. I went to my front door to see if her car was still here. When I opened the door there was no outside. It was completely just blank like a clean sheet of white paper.

Suddenly I felt a push from behind and fell into the blank world. It felt like I was falling for an eternity until everything went from white to black. I'm never going skydiving, this just ruined any chance of that ever happening.

I suddenly woke up gasping for air.

Great it was just another dream. Of course, that was all too good to be true. 

I sat up straight trying to catch my breath.  

I wake up every morning on my couch after staying up all night watching adult cartoons, that don't even make me laugh. They disturb me more than entertain. Who comes up with an idea to have President Reagan have a time machine, so he can go back in time to s**t in someone's mouth on a live talent show for doing a semi-funny yet bad imitation of him? Somebody must have smoked some crack right before writing that as their next episode, for their show. Or maybe they really just thought that was a great idea. Whatever the case, I'm the loser that watches that mess.

Today, I finally had the energy to leave my soft comfy couch. I peeked through the window and got blinded by the gorgeous sunny day. I should probably go outside, and get some fresh air, but I'm not. After my eyes adjusted, I saw people riding their bikes, walking their dogs, and just simply basking in the sunlight. 

I wish I was normal again.

You know I never thought I'd grow up such an emotional wreck. I was so full of life and optimistic. I used to make everyone cry with laughter and lent a bony shoulder to cry on when needed. But now I can't even stand to have dinner with another person. Just looking at someone else's smile makes me upset, because I can't genuinely smile back.

My place has become so atrocious from my careless actions. I throw my clothes wherever. I leave my filthy dishes exactly where I ate. Why am I so gross? The depression keeps getting stronger every day. I feel like I'm in an alternate universe, and I can't make my way back to the real world. I want to win this stupid game called life! But, how? I can't even win one game in the board game called Life.

Suddenly my phone rang, giving me a mild heart attack! Who could it be? Nobody usually calls me unless they are trying to sell me something or it could be my grandma.

It's my mother.

"Hello?" I said nervously.

She hates my guts. Ever since that day 2 years ago that I called the cops on her for being abusive to my brother, she blames me for her getting arrested. They didn't arrest her because of my call. I just wanted them to calm the situation down. My brother called me to pick him up from work that night because mom wasn't there, so I left my own place to go take him home to my mom's. Though when I go there she was drunk and trying to fight me even though I was still sitting in my car. My brother kept her from getting in my car and in return she started hitting him and telling him he can't go inside the house. She threatened that if I took him to my place she would call the cops and say I kidnapped him. She was going off about how I think I'm so cool because I have my own place and car after she had kicked me out 1 year ago previously to that incident. And then she did the most horrifying thing I thought she would never do which was spit in my face. She was still hitting my brother trying to get to me. So I called the cops myself.

But of course with her being stupidly drunk she "accidentally" kicked a female cop in her vagina. That was smart. Assault on an officer is a felony if you didn't know. Now she is on probation and can't smoke the green herb or drink anymore. If she gets through probation with flying colors they won't put the felony on her record. Though it will still show her arrest. So I fucked up her life apparently, not that she hadn't already ruined it herself before the cop incident. It's not like she married again to a complete loser, who cheats on her consistently. Who also is in debt 20 grand in child support, from all the random kids he has around the USA. Who doesn't have a job, who beats her, do I really need to go on?

She left my dad because he cheated on her, and lied a lot. My dad was a good provider, though. I never saw my parents fight much, and we never went without. In my eyes, I thought they'd always work things out. Now she's with the best guy in the world, right? She claims she's so in love with him. They used to spend their days on the porch drinking and smoking while my brothers and sisters starved because there was no money coming into the house. Now they just sit on the porch while he drinks and smokes, and sometimes she does when she knows she's not gonna see her probation officer for a while.

I got kicked out a few years ago for basically calling her new husband a b***h. He wanted to borrow $1,550 dollars for a down payment on a new car for the family. I didn't have the best job in high school, but I saved very well and trusted my mom would make sure he paid it back. He never did. Still hasn't. Probably never will. I don't care, though, I don't need it anymore. I have my place now, a car and a decent job at a bank.

My mother dropped me off at my job in the car I helped them get the day I got kicked out and told me never to come back after I fought with her about that "b***h". After I got kicked to the curb they had a lot more money problems. I was paying a lot of their bills here and there when I was under their roof. I had no problem helping my family out, but honestly, I felt used. Especially, after I gave them as much money as I could when I lived there, and that was the thanks I got in return.

No matter how much I tried to be the best daughter ever, I was never doing enough. Even though I was the only one working basically full-time and going to school, It wasn't enough. She would always put me down with words that felt like stabs in the heart. She called me a b***h at least 3 times a week, and I considered that a good week if that was all that happened. She would try to fight me but it would just end up with her beating on me.

My mother was so smart and loving when I was younger. The only reason I've been somewhat okay at life is because of everything she taught me when I was a child. She thought she was gonna make a better life for herself when she left my dad. I believe she would've if she never met her husband, but she did and got lost somewhere being blinded by "love".

I feel so bad for my half sisters. My childhood was great! I played the piano, viola, and saxophone. I did sports like soccer, basketball, and track. Of course, they can't afford that for them now, but my sisters can't even go outside to play with the other kids because my mom has made enemies with pretty much everyone in the neighborhood. They have a jungle in the back of their house, I believe it's supposed to be a backyard.

My brothers just stay in their room playing video games, ignoring the world. Their childhood was good like mine, but there's didn't last as long since I am the oldest. They didn't have to deal with being our mom's punching bag, though.

Do you know how hard it is to try to be a child yourself, work full time, get straight A's in school, raise 4 siblings, give your mom whatever she wants to TRY to keep the peace, not have a supportive dad, and still try to smile at the end of the day? I was jealous of a lot of people in high school because they were able to do teenage things, and I had to grow up before my time. In some ways, I appreciate having a harder life because I was able to take care of myself and always have a plan when s**t hit the fan at a young age. If any of my friends back then got kicked out the way I did, they probably would have just curled up in the fetal position waiting for help. I still had to deal with people thinking I was just some regular dumb teen, when I really wasn't, but I didn't waste my time trying to prove it. I eventually just separated myself from everyone I knew from my life when I got kicked out and tried to start over. I ended up a lone wolf.

My mom has always been so hard on me, and she thinks I'm always judging her. I'm just disappointed at how far she let herself fall. But who am I to talk? I'm borderline suicidal!

"What did you do?" She asked with a pissed off tone.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"Do you talk to your grandma?" she said sternly.

"Yes, I talked to her yesterday I believe," I stated.

"Do you talk to her every day?" She asked.

"No," I said quietly. I probably should change that.

"Well, I do! Well, I did! Until you messed things up when you drove down here!" She started blaring.

A week ago I drove 20 hours to Houston to see my brother graduate high school. My dad came from Japan, and I picked my grandma up from Louisiana. Of course, I had to stop and get some mouth burning spicy crawfish in Louisiana. My mom and I were having a better relationship then because I just kept my mouth closed about her life, and just agreed with everything she said. Then the graduation day came and she didn't go and neither did her husband, and she didn't even let me take my sisters. They were crying their little hearts out because they couldn't go. They told me they hated missing out on everything, and always being kept in their room. They are only 5 years old, they shouldn't but holed up. Maybe that's why they came in a pair, so they'd always have each other.

After the graduation, me and the family that did go, split up to go find my brother in the crowd. I found him first, and he looked so happy and excited to see the rest of the family. When we found my dad, other younger brother, and grandma he asked where mom was and everyone else. I had to tell him they didn't come. My heart broke when I saw the hurt on his face.

I told him not to worry while trying to fight back tears. My dad gave him a stainless steel superman necklace, and we all congratulated him, took pictures, and showed him, love. Then he went to a graduation party.

Of course, when I went to drop my grandma off back at my mom's I was livid. I didn't say anything, though. I was just ready to go to my dad's hotel room because I didn't want to stay in that filthy house with her. The walls were black and the carpet matted with disgusting s**t. There wasn't even any hot water to shower with. You can't even walk anywhere in the house without almost tripping over something.

After helping my grandma get inside, my mom started saying annoying s**t like how I'm just being fake and I'm still the same stupid b***h that she kicked out 3 years ago. I'm sure she was trying to get me angry but I ignored it. As I was getting ready to leave, she decided to sit on the porch and smoke. I wanted to know why she decided to say hurtful things to me for no reason. So, I asked her if it was really necessary to say those things to me.

BOOM! She started screaming at me to get the f**k away from her house, and I lost my cool. I told her how horrible she was for not going to her son's graduation. How disgusting her house is. How she hasn't changed. How my sisters look homeless and mistreated. I let her have it all! I let her have all the thoughts I was holding back.

You could kiss our mending relationship goodbye. I knew she was gonna go back to hating me or maybe she never truly stopped.

"How?" I asked still confused.

"She always takes your side. She's my mom, and she's not talking to me!" She said angrily.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think there were any sides to take. I'll call grandma and ask what's the problem if you want?" I said trying to keep the peace.

There was silence. I was too afraid to say anything. After awhile, I decided to grow some balls and speak.

"I love you, mom," I said wholeheartedly.

She hung up.

Wow. I tried not to let it bother me.

I tried.

I went back to my soft comfy couch and turned the TV on. I wasn't really watching it, though, I was just laying there staring blankly with thoughts flying through my head. Why does she hate me so much? Maybe I am a bad person. That's probably why I have no friends.

Then my phone buzzed. It was a text from my mother:

F**k you, stay away from me and the rest of the family! You aren't welcomed around here. I should have aborted you when I was 15, and then I would have had a real chance at life.

That made me feel so much better. 

I wanted to cry, but I'm trying to be strong. The thoughts started filling my head again.

If I died would she even care? I feel so alone. What about my dream? That memory she shared in my dream was true. She used to tell me that was her favorite memory of us. Maybe she is just trying to hide her true feelings. What is life if you don't have a family? If the family can abandon you so easy doesn't that mean anyone can? How can I trust anyone? I don't want to be here anymore! I hate everything! Life is so stupid! Everything is so pointless, what's the point in being human? Work, eat, s**t, sleep, and eventually die. Why am I still here? Nobody even knows I'm alive. There are people getting murdered all the time. There're fatal car accidents every day. Why haven't I become a victim? Why do the people who actually want to live, die and the ones who don't end up living the longest? I'm so tired of this bullshit.

 I'm not going to punk out this time.

I went to my kitchen and opened the medicine cabinet. I pulled out all the pills. I didn't care what they were. I grabbed my favorite grape juice and started downing all the pills I had.

My phone started ringing, but I was too preoccupied with my task to kill myself. After I took every pill I had I went back to my soft comfy couch. I laid down and stared blanking at the TV once again for a few hours.

I felt so sick, I had to urge to vomit, but I'm committed to dying this time. I started sweating and my heart was beating horribly fast. I decided to check my phone to see if it was my mother who called me once again just to bash on me.

Instead, I had a voicemail from my grandma. I pressed play right before my vision started getting blurry and my head started spinning.

Mija I'm sure your mother has called you by now blaming you about me not talking to her. It's not because of you, it's because of her. I love you so much, Mija. You've done so well in life, I'm so proud of you. I'm so blessed to have you as my grandchild. Call me back. I love you. You are not alone.

Tears started pouring down my face. What am I doing? I need to stay alive! My grandma, my brothers, my sisters, they all still need me. Why am I being so selfish?

I tried to get up so I could throw up in my toilet, but I didn't make it far. I ended up on my back in my kitchen. I couldn't even see straight. My vision kept going in and out and wouldn't stay steady. My heart feels like it's about to explode. 

I guess I got what I wanted right? I tried to reach for my phone that fell out of my pocket, so I could call 911 , but I couldn't even see where it could be. Everything is starting to fade away. I'm feeling so weak. 

Oh no, I may have really fucked myself up this time.

I'm so sorry grandma! I'm so sorry! Why didn't I think of you before doing this! I know you love me. I know I am loved even though I don't feel it. I am not alone! Stupid depression! Why do I have to be cursed with this mental illness?

My breathing started to become shallow, and I felt my arms and legs get stiff. I was starting to lose consciousness slowly but surely. 

Hopefully, I will see my family again. 

Hopefully, I'll wake up. 

Was this worth it?

Thoughts of my mom started pouring through my head. I remembered when I was a kid, my mom, my grandma and I would go garage sale hopping early in the morning. We'd always go to our favorite Asian restaurant right after. She was always telling me funny jokes and telling me how proud she was of me. She used to tickle me a lot until I cried from laughing so hard. I would poke her for tickling me and she'd get mad because she said my fingers felt like little needles! I remembered the smell of her famous pepperoni and Italian sausage bread. Man, I would get so excited my mouth would literally water! What happened to those days? 

Why am I thinking about these things now? Maybe I should have tried harder to help her. I need a hug from my mom. I wish I could go back to the old days and just stay there.

Everything went silent and dark. I couldn't feel my body any longer on the painfully cold kitchen floor. Is this really the end?

I love you, mom.

Author's Note

Be brutally honest! Tell me what you think about it, if you see spelling, grammar, or punctuational errors. Let me have it!
Please?

Reviews

[alan peter kelly]

I have read some amazing writes since arriving back to this site after a long hiatus but what I've read so far here is not only totally relatable but in terms of timing, humour, poignancy, reality, relatability, balance, refreshment and awesome ness if this story were a meal, it'd be a fine feed which leaves one completely satisfied for having sat down to dine. Now I must admit I was about to log off be cause it's 7am here in South Australia and I've been up all night reading, writing, reviewing and must get some sleep. I saw you there and thought I would investigate and when I read your bio I was taken by your mind and style and similarities in various aspects of our lives and had to read further what immediately intrigued me and I am unable to read it all right now because already I have so much to say about how impactful this is already and I could not properly honour your contribution in an appropriate manner if I just quickly read through then cobbled a few paragraphs knowing this piece deserves much more than that. So I just needed to let you know I will review/critique your write sometime later in my day(your night) and I love literature and art beyond compare and recognise a bright light, especially when it flashes from the dark into my eyes...if I wrote any less than the exactitude of truth I surely would not still be here writing so many words to you... I isolate...I know the symptomology of depression, I recognise a gifted writer when I read what feels like literary gift to me so with that written and out of the way, Hi...my name is Alan and welcome to writerscafe :) I look forward to continuance when next I wake from necessary sleep...oh, by the way, I need to say, by "log off" I mean I never actually log out...so if you see my light on it doesn't necessarily mean I'm here and being ignorant. Im very bright but thick as two planks when it comes to remembering passwords :)

[Deason]

With the abundance of literature that enters the community on a daily basis, I find it difficult to find a work that is truly able to instill emotion of any kind into myself. However, this work was one that I quickly became transfixed on. Reading this story only once felt like a disservice to the overall ambiance created, and I relived many stories told to me by those closest to me as I reread each word. I fully enjoyed your insight into the mentality depression puts one in, as it is a difficult state of mind to put into words. I felt my own heart beating at an intensity of Karina's heart by the end of the story! The errors that I see present are only minor and do not take away from the overall emotion brought forth. I felt a connection to Karina's inner thoughts strongest when she reflects on events of her childhood. The imagery used creates a scene that I can imagine myself experiencing. When transitioning from the narration to dialogue, there were some moments that I felt a different word or punctuation choice would have created a better flow of story progression. The sentence "What am I not allowed in your place?..." would have felt more real with a simple implication of comma, creating a pause that would be present in a conversation. I am very technical at times when reading, so the sentence "What, am I not allowed in your place?..." feels more real to me. As I said before, instances such as that were minor and did not take away from my overall enjoyment of your story. I hope to see works as wonderful as this one from you in the future! Bravo on this piece.

[EllaMar]

Thank you, I will also be using your feedback as well. I really appreciate the critique and kind words I've been receiving. I already have it in revise mode! Thanks again Deason. :)

[Kale]

This piece was beautifully written; I love all of the details you added to convey a brilliant image. I mean, I could practically imagine the characters and let my imagination run wild while I read without being confused to grasp what was happening in the passage. The transitioning was smooth; line to line, it was clean and the way you were able to portray impeccable concepts and emotions: the need of acceptance, love, nostalgia, depression, etc. is breath taking. I know highlighting any emotion in writing is difficult, but I could feel the first person's pain and inner conflict. Some of my best advice I can give you is to continue writing, keep practicing because practice makes perfect. You have an extremely unique writing style and I admire it. I breathe it. I want it for breakfast... yes, i read this while having breakfast. Although, what you wrote is utterly powerful with a clear message, I feel if you had a better choice in diction, a.k.a. wording certain things differently, it would have given a stronger impact. There was some jagged edges reading through the text like you were trying to put your ideas in words before you forget. I do that all the time and go, BAM. When writing books, short stories, etc. there is a lot proofreading, editing, and scraping done. Just take your time. It isn't a contest. Write at your own pace and write to your heart's fullest content. I would have love to read a little more in depth to the first person's emotions or maybe personificating depression or death. Giving a concept a living form, a name, a body, something dark and enchanting. If you were going to go there, REALLY go there. Anyways, it is truly amazing work, just some ideas if you're interested in adding more emotion to the passage that the first person is cracked from pain. MY FAVORITE PART IS HOW THE FIRST PERSON CHARACTER QUESTIONED HOW COULD SHE BE SO SELFISH AND END HER LIFE. That was brilliant. I'm sorry, but the story was rawr and powerful. I actually got a little emotional reading it. You are extremely talented and keep up the amazing work my love.

[EllaMar]

Thank you so much! I loved your advice, and I will definitely be using it! I really appreciate it. Your review made me feel like I could breath again. Your awesome sauce is on point! Your parents baked you really well, I wonder where they got the recipe. Must be a family secret ;)