finding Ted

don't we all want to be reunited with the departed?

The big oak door (at least, I think it’s oak) with the golden studs, stood ajar. Gwen tentatively pushed it open and poked her head inside.

“Anybody home?”

Her voice echoed back in the long corridor behind the door. Another door opened further down and out came a broad-shouldered dude striding out. He had drooping moustaches and long sideburns. His long reddish hair was flying behind him. He was wearing some sort of a flowing white toga and sandals on his feet.

“What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?”, inquired the irritated man when he reached her.

“I’m sorry”, said the woman, flustered, “the door was open so, I..”

“Damn! I keep telling him to close it. He never listens. Scatterbrains!”

“Ehm, excuse me, are these the p..

“Yes, the Pearly Gates. Can I help you?”

“Well, I was hoping you would. I’ve just arrived and I feel quite lost to tell you the truth, Mr…”

“Saint Peter. Haven’t you read your bible? But you can call me Pete. We like to keep things informal here. Unlike Lucifer. He likes to keep things infernal.”

“So, here I am, Pete”.

“OK, let’s fix some digs for you. Sorry about the not-so-nice welcome. I had to escort a new arrival. I’m working double shift, today and feel swamped. So much turmoil down there. We barely have time to breathe. These days they come by the dozens. If you, people, keep it up a little longer, you won’t be able to find a place to stand. We are thinking about building an extension. Yesterday we had a batch from Gaza. Before that, some wretched souls from Syria. Irak, Ukrain. We had to ask Lucifer to take in a few for a couple of days, though not in the deep chambers. So, what can I do for you?”

“I’m sorry, but this sounds like a silly question. I never asked to be here, you know. Erm..can I make a request?”

Saint Peter rolled his eyes. “Go ahead!”

“I’ve waited for 7 years to be reunited with my husband. Can I see him? I miss him terribly, you see”.

“I’ll see what I can do about it. As I told you, we’re terribly understaffed. What’s his name?”

“Edward”, replied Gwen, eagerly.

“Have you any idea how many Edwards we have here? What’s his family name?”

“Carpenter, but everybody called him Ted”.

“Insufficient, I’m afraid. There are thousands upon thousands of Carpenters and Teds. Describe him”.

“Well, he was still dashing when he left me, though not tall. He had silky black hair, twinkling eyes, a slightly crooked nose and a ravishing smile”.

“Hum.. Sounds like Tom Cruise to me. Still not enough. Come on help me out here, Woman. Any distinguishing features?”

“Oh, Lord! Can I get personal?”

“If you must”, said Saint Peter with a sigh, surreptitiously looking at his Rolex.

“Well, he’s got a huge beauty spot on his left cheek.”

“Lady, no need to be embarr.. oh, THAT cheek? Listen, with the huge number of people flocking in, I have no time to pull their trousers down to check their butts for any special marks”.

“Wait! This might help you! Ted’s last parting words to me?”

“Mmmm…possibly. What were they?” said Saint peter, resigned. He nervously tapped his foot on the ground.

“Gwen, he said to me, if you cheat on me when I’m gone, I’ll turn in my grave”.

“AAH! Whirling Ted! Come with me!”   

Reviews

[Beccy]

Naughty but nice! Loved in particular your hippy description of St Peter and the punch line

Beccy.

[Woody]

thank you Dear. I truly think that my stories pale when compared to your humourous writes :)

[Woody]

haha do you believe in Houris? I do. can't wait.
what's the equivalent for girls, d'you know?

[Symphonic_Sunflowers]

I really liked this one, Woody! Great job!!

[Woody]

thanks very much Dear. always happy to make you smile :)

[M.E.Lyle]

Ha, Woody, you do know how to tell a good one. I love your lighthearted humor.

[Woody]

thank you so much M.E. glad you think it's funny. I personally hope I'll get a better reception when my time comes.

[M.E.Lyle]

Me as well too.

[Marie]

I laughed when I read this, Woody. Of course, it's an old joke but you did a good job with it.

[Woody]

thanks a lot, Marie. I'm kind of drying up these days (writer's block?) so I needed to put something up posthaste.