White Lie

the consequences of a lie, even if it is white, can be extremely detrimental to your family

In the absence of clouds, the sun was arrogantly strutting in a wide expanse of blue. It was unseasonably warm in that October morning. Birds, those who had not yet decided to pack up and head south, were flitting from tree to tree on either side of the street, competing to produce the best warble. The front lawns of the houses looked as if an artist-gardener used a ruler to make them straight.

This divine tableau went unnoticed to Jerry Kin. He trudged along the pavement, head bent, each step felt like walking on shards of glass. No, there was nothing wrong with his feet or legs. The stabbing pain he felt was in his… errr, how shall I put it? His rear end.

He’d just left the doctor’s office with bad news. He needed surgery. His hemorrhoid was in an advanced stage. A trip to the bathroom meant a torture session. Hell, he couldn’t even have the pleasure of a fart. Sitting straight was impossible. His wife, Shirley, finally convinced him that dilly-dallying wouldn’t make the problem go away.

 

Jerry’s now lying on his stomach. He’s still feeling woozy and rather euphoric. The surgery was a success. They fixed his.. thing, though it means he’ll have to live on soups and mashed potatoes for the foreseeable future. 

His father’s sitting on a chair at the head of the hospital bed. His mother’s sitting further away. They’re both relieved that their son’s.. errr exit is fixed and running, no pun intended. (or maybe it is intended. I know me. I can be gross, so please stop complaining! You don’t live with me. I have to put up with me.)

Shirley is on the other side of the bed, pretending to whisper in his ear but is in fact nibbling at his earlobe. His son, Harry, and his daughter, Derry, are out in the corridor, having a cigarette on the sly by the open window and sharing a joke. They hear hurried footsteps and turn to see Stew Hizadic striding towards them, looking worried. His longish hair is all over the place and his glasses are precariously perched on the tip of his pointy noise. If he doesn’t push them back up, they’ll surely fall on the floor. He stops in front of the boy and girl and uses his middle finger to hoist his glasses where they belong. Huh! What did I say?

Stew is Jerry’s best friend. They’ve known each other since elementary school. Wives, try beating that!

Not bothering to say hello, he enquires about his buddy,

“How is he?” he pants, looking worried.

“He’s fine, don’t worry,” reassures the son,”

“Can you believe he never told me about this surgery?”

“I’m sure he didn’t want you to worry. It’s no big deal, really.”

“What did they operate on, anyway?”

Embarrassed, Harry and Derry looked at each other, not knowing how to describe their father’s predicament.

“Well, it’s…”

“His ear,” blurts out Derry.

“Oh, Lord!” exclaims Stew and storms into the room. He greets everybody with a cheery “Howdy all?” then strides towards the prostrate man.

“So? Keeping secrets from your old friend, you sonofagun?” he says and

gives him a friendly slap on the bum and turns to the father, not noticing that Jerry has turned purple. He buries his face in the pillow to muffle his scream while biting on his lower lip.

“You know,” he tells the befuddled father, “I knew this would happen. I told him once if I told him a thousand times to stop inserting objects in it.”

“He did what?” spluttered the father, turning red.

“He had this nasty habit of inserting in it anything he laid his hands on and jiggle it about. He seemed to enjoy it. A match, his finger, a pen. Jesus, he even thrust a key in there, once. He had this psychotic urge to cleanse it. Of what? I ask you.”

They hear a dull thud and turn to find the mother slumped on the floor, unconscious.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

You're killing me. I thought for sure this was going to end with Harry-Derry-Ear (I grieve to think I'm starting to anticipate your far-fetched plays on words!) No really. I glided thru the 1st paragraph thinking: "Wow this bloke isn't all crudité after all!" But my marveling at your gentle artistic words was short-lived. Another fun device of yours is similar to addressing "the fourth wall" in drama -- the way you insert asides between yourself & the reader. You're still a mystery unfolding to me . . . *smile*

[Woody]

thank you very much, Dear. I did have an ulterior motive when I chose the names, only I messed it up with Derry. jerrican, harricane but there's no derrican. I should've checked.
yes, I enjoy addressing the reader. sometimes I overdo it, I know.
so glad this held your interest :)

[Taylor]

Woody, You h ave achieved your goal! Lol, and boy, did I. I don't really have anything but praise for you, except Shirley nibbling on hi s ear -- that seemed to be a bit of a distraction for me and after reading the story thru I still don't know what function it has. I like your use of dialogue as well as the contrast between the opening beatific scene and Jerry's state. A silly little thing--can you scream and bite your lip at the same time? Well done! Many thanks for giving me several chuckles. Taylor

[Woody]

thank you very much for reading and reviewing, Taylor. and the praise. much appreciated. so glad this made you laugh.
now that you mention it, the ear-nibbling does look unnecessary. thing is, when I describe the various characters in a scene, I try to come up with something new by imagining what "ordinary" people would do: someone discretely picking their nose or nodding off or whatever. a wife happy for her husband's recovery, I imagined her whispering conspiratorially and trying to "playfully" embarrass him.
having said that, I think I'll remove that part.
thanks again Taylor :)

[Samuel Dickens]

And the moral of this story is ..... never allow anyone to visit you when you're in the hospital? No, that's not it. Never stick anything smaller than an elbow in your aural canal? Eat more fiber? Oh, I don't know! Wait....I've got it--When in your butt the vessels swell, puff way up and hurt like hell, endure the pain and never tell!

[Woody]

lol you should add a few more lines and put it up there. very funny.
smaller than an elbow??? :)
thank you Sam. your reviews are a treat.

[Frank]

You are wicked Woody, but I like it.

[Woody]

haha wicked? I've always thought of myself as a gentle soul. I tell it as it is, you know.
thanks a lot Frank. so glad you like my "wickedness"

[Lydia Shutter]

No pun intended? Tell THAT to someone who will believe you! LOL Your sense of humor, timing, and wit is spot on and so enjoyable. You make twists and turns that no one expects and you always leaving us laughing. Lydi**

[Woody]

and you made my evening, Lydia :) thank you very much.

[MsJewel]

Woody....your sense of humor is stellar. You never cease to amaze me. I wasn't ready for the last bit and seriously almost choked on my morning coffee. I love every part of this (except the coffee dripping from my nose!) Still laughing out loud here -

:) Julie

[Woody]

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aww Julie. lovely of you to say so :) I'm mighty glad you seem to have enjoyed reading it as much as I have, writing it.

[M.E.Lyle]

Woody my man, is there no end (no pun intended...or was there?) to your humor. You crack me up...Oops, was that another pun?

[Woody]

haha pun away my friend, pun away! I love puns. your visits and reviews are always a pleasure.

[Jennesis]

Ok, this cracked me up. Great joke.

[Woody]

I'm elated you liked it Jen. thank you.
this time I had to add the sordid details.

[Dillon Flynn]

Your punchline is pretty solid. Had some specific issues, I'll quote from the piece:

"Birds, those who have not yet decided to pack up and head south, were flitting from tree to tree on either side of the street, competing to produce the best warble." You're switching tenses, should be "had not yet decided."

"(or maybe it is intended. I know me. I can be gross, so please stop complaining! You don’t live with me. I have to put up with me.)" Who is delivering this parenthetical? You, the writer? If that's the case, I would encourage you to rethink that choice, it's a bit awkward.

As I mentioned, I enjoyed your punchline and was also fond of, "Hell, he couldn’t even have the pleasure of a fart." I'm not sure if I buy into the premise where everyone is too embarrassed to say rectum or anus or whatever, but I'm willing to look the other way for the pay-off to work.

[Woody]

thanks a million, Dillon. your thoughtful review is much appreciated.
"had not yet decided" heck! how did I miss that? you're right. I'll fix it.
now the parenthetical. yes I believe this time the narrator is the writer and I greatly enjoy butting in when I'm least expected to surprise the reader and, hopefully, make them smile.
I admit I do that quite often. kind of a trademark I must've picked up from some of my readings.
so it would make me unhappy to stop doing that if that's what you meant by "rethink that choice".
Nonetheless, I'm so glad you took the time to read and review and super happy you liked the punchline.

[Woody]

Gee! I went to read one of your writes and my jaw dropped when I saw your "about me".
I feel so honoured to be read by a stand up comedian. bloody hell, I'm embarrassed I expressed doubts regarding your opinion on that damn parenthetical.

[Dillon Flynn]

Nah, screw that, if you have a trademark quirk, you shouldn't listen to my griping. I think it just stuck out to me because it only happened once, since the piece was so short. Also, trust me when I say that being a stand-up doesn't endow me with any kind of literary superpowers, you should feel free to ignore my feedback just as readily as any other schmuck. Here are the three things you need to tell jokes on stage:

1. Insecurity, enough that getting positive feedback every few seconds from strangers sounds like exactly what you need.

2. Self-loathing, so that when an audience doesn't like your material, you are able to say to yourself, "Nah, they're right, I'm the worst," and then move on without feeling crushed.

3. Hopefully something funny to say.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to read s'more of your stuff today.

[Woody]

ok gotcha. I'll keep those three in mind :)

[Beccy]

Emma Joy is spot on, it's because we just love a good sense of humour. :)

[Woody]

don't I know it! how d'you think I snared my wife's heart? :)