Prologue

A prologue about love and loss.

PROLOGUE

      Autumn bellowed for me to stay, tears rushing down her pale-like cheeks, cascading to the floor like shooting stars. My teeth clenched as I tried to hide this ever-present pain behind a flushed face of contorted emotion. I could see the fear in her; like a frightened fawn looking for security. Those coffee-colored eyes; and they struck every fiber of my being, buckling my knees and keeping me from leaving. She tried to speak but her voice shuddered and I, too, shuddered. Catching her breath, her lips parted:
      "Elijah, please, just stay a while. I -- please, don't go... I love you."
My eyes now watered with frustration. How could she ask me to stay after what she put me through? The constant nights of needing her warmth against my skin while she shared that same warmth with another.
      "How dare you tell me to stay when you broke my chest. I loved you through everything! I gave you my heart and oh, what a broken heart I was before I met you. You stitched me by the seams and said that you'd always be my northern star. But the nights grew cloudy and I became lost, and where the hell were you when I filled with worry?! You -- you vile, ruthless swine! You became another's northern light--"
      "I'M SORRY--", she screamed.
      "And I hope you loved every second of it because it'll be the only warmth you feel when words become superfluous and you find yourself awake at night, choking through the seams of your regret."

      I grabbed the tear-stained duffle bag lying beside Autumn and avoided her eyes; those beautiful coffee-colored eyes, haunting my soul with this bitter-sweet stain of memories and regret. As I rushed to the door, she jetted in between and barricaded it with her fragile arms. I could make out her thin, blue veins and remembered how I traced them every morning as the sun came pouring in and right onto her skin.
      Slowly reaching outward, I grabbed her porcelain-like face with my fingertips. My mouth merely inches from hers, I whispered:

      "How does it feel to lose the one person who held you above every star and constellation?"
      She whispered back, "Like Hell."

Reviews

[RW]

Excellent portrayal of emotion and feelings. Personally, I favor brevity and believe you could accomplish the same descriptive feelings and emotions with a tighter presentation (few words). Try this - - your story as written has 373 words. Try rewriting and keeping the same strength of emotion and feeling using only 275 to 300 words.

Example:

You wrote - "My eyes now watered with frustration. How could she ask me to stay after what she put me through? The constant nights of needing her warmth against my skin while she shared that same warmth with another."

How about - "How could she expect me to stay knowing that she was my only love, my life, and all the while she secretly shared hers with another?"

[Gio S.P.]

Wow, I never put these ideas into consideration. I can't call this a "problem", but the thing with me is that I am a man of many words and find it - oftentimes- difficult to shorten sentences up without taking away the impact of the emotion I want to portray. I have to continue working on this but you make an excellent point and I will definitely utilize what you gave me to ponder on. Also, the shortened version of yours sounds lovely, haha. Thank you so much for this! I hope you have an amazing day, RW.

[Bob Sherunkle]

That was great! Very descriptive.Painted a real picture .Great write

[Gio S.P.]

Thank you so much for this, Bob. Your input to my stories are always appreciated and welcomed. I will try to UP the emotions and make my stories more impactful!

[Bob Sherunkle]

write what you feel .Your writing is excellent!