Low Road Narrows

write please read and enjoy strong language warning

I apologize for what I'm about to say

if you're sensitive to language, I speak not with the intention to do harm

but to reflect pain.

Heavybag's fallen

knuckles only started to trickle with blood,

my new self-flagellation ritual interrupted

coitus, denied, the penultimate inspiration served

with every swing a flash of the past invoked

in my borderline personality crossing rage

bipolar seeming on a stable day, and I see

the nervous breakdown, these teachers

sanctuary for you, to me they say

kill yourself f****t

hey, come over here and deal with this

dismissively

I keep my head down, a higher dose the next day

apathy, numb to stigmas, stigmata on my soul

martyrdom they beg of me

an inconvenience and how timely, they jokingly

say go on Tom, shoot up the school

kill yourself, you fat f*****g retard

you fucktard, f****t,

kill yourself f****t,

I've been called that more times than my own name

by a long shot

all I ever wanted was to do what I was there for

then to not be there anymore

and I used to salivate as early as middle or intermediate school

at jumping off the roof, but I realized that it was too short a drop

so I recalculated, I decided on a ripcord, the train

kill yourself f****t, if I do, that'd have been how I did

and I defied everyone by clinging to the only thing they couldn't take

they couldn't violate

and they did take and violate, they robbed my home,

I was beaten, raped, I keep it all bottled up

I couldn't tell anyone because all they'd say if they knew a boy fucked me was

kill yourself f****t

so, I let him rape me several more times until I snapped

a tree branch over his throat

so, I clung to breath out of spite for all of them

and as soon as I could I committed their faces and names

to an infinite pit, I granted myself the greatest mercy of all

I let myself forget

Teachers never looked twice, if they did it was like

watching daytime television

no lesson plans, no structure, I remember them

sneering at me for being there, for being called names in their classroom

for being nervous, overweight, clumsy and awkward, uncomfortable

and scared, and then being mad at me when I skirted truancy laws

CPS, investigating me after my dad stopped beating me, when

I could've named a dozen houses where kids were still getting beat

and the meth cook's grandson who showed up late from the lab

and the drunks who showed up with the flasks, the rednecks with the tobacco dip ring in their pockets

I was so stoned on an overdosage of poison that it damaged my liver and I had to stop it

but that didn't change the reality I was supposed to ignore, I still saw it

in hindsight, I wish I was blinded, then I might have turned out alright

I know they'd probably just have led me to the tracks and left me there to kill myself

assisted suicide for the outsider, moved into town before they put up the first stoplight

but, sure, teachers do their job, if that means they said, just sit down shut up

watch a movie, play on your phone if you got one, do this quiz so I can say you did something

read a textbook, I don't give a f**k, I'm gonna be over here and if you interrupt

kill yourself f*****s,

that's how it was, I never questioned it, because it always was like that

I never asked how it was elsewhere, I didn't think I'd live past 17

or past 18, or 21, or 25 or 27 so I'm really in uncharted waters now I'm almost 29

and no codependent relationship for me to abuse, just drugs

I talk to you

and you might think that means you, it doesn't

it means the paper, me and you

we've got our own thing, I don't need anybody else

this is what got me through

my first and only love, the thing that I lassoed my heart and identity to

that nobody else can take credit for giving me, I found it myself

dug it out of my skin and bone and muscle and sinew

and cultivated my own interests in it, forged every fiber of growth

over every year, every second every minute, I took the energy burning me up

every time I saw disdain, dismissive, disrespectful, belittling, hatred and inconvenience in someone's eyes

impatience for my still being here, still being alive, and I turned that into notebooks full of chicken scratch handwriting

my learning disabled hands could manage it, nobody gets to own this, not one lethargic c**t teacher who didn't raise a finger to the board

when the kid whose dad owned the car dealership was running me down, or the football team, or the cheerleader was threatening to kill me

but when someone claimed the same on my name they sent me to the office and I had to sit there, knowing it was useless to protest

I did my f*****g best, I never let these people make me violent,

when they wanted the worst of me, I wrote it down,

defied them to fight me, stayed silent and turned every

kill yourself f****t into a story, a poem, an idea, anything creative, just anything that was something

more than that repulsive reaction, get over yourself a******s

I'll die when I'm good and goddamn ready

Bag fell off, gloves off,

barely a trickle of blood,

barely a tickle

no air circulating, stagnant and stale in this summer heat

there's nothing on the table, but the dog could eat

hand yourself a victory, hand over fist pat on the back

and at this address leave defeat

I don't care, who wants what if anything

what you think, I don't want to know

just keep it to yourself, I don't care

just leave me alone, goodbye touring these last few walks

shaking fingers tenderly touch memory lane, caress the stalks

and with each punch I've thrown, exertion grunt and groan

I let spit fly through my teeth, a rabid dog beneath

biting, reminding, flashes, each landing blow, kill yourself

rooftop, train, pills, parking garage, gun

I hit him harder, harder and harder

tail between his legs, his carcass is thrown

standing, heaving, desperate fear, anger quivering in my eyes

I snap and snarl at this specter of myself, to just leave me alone

you don't have to be gone,

just be quiet, god help me, just shut your barking mouth

stomping the throat of this animal expelled,

I fall back into myself, an escalated conflict of spirit

elevated into frenzied panic, the need to hurt

without reason, I delve, don't make me remember

I seal them away, superstitious of their nameless, faceless

demonic hold, in jars in my head, these mentors, these helpers

teachers, there is hardly a worse word

I want to go away

to a quiet place

I want to become a quiet place

where I can let go of all the noise

and be quite okay

life does not excite me

I do not anticipate it

if all my life were writing, then maybe

but living alone is a task greater than this

and I do not know what I want, but more

more than the peace I've seen this can offer

so I search, in other places, finding myself

right

back

here

I want to be content, at peace

and so I write, I feed my spirit, body, heart and mind

but I am given to darkness, foreboding ominous evil

acts of malice and treachery, betrayal of the most intimate trust

and even the best efforts to keep myself leashed only serve as a noose to me

so I try to distance people, and isolate with the best intentions, finding myself

right

back

here

and sooner than later I will complete this tour,

say goodbye, this confessional, it is not poetry,

you do not understand that it is, expression is

and you can do it, let your red setter loose with wandering ennui

speak your displeasure with today, rewrite history, in your closing set

circle back around like those teardrop vultures over the mausoleum gallery

and come back to me, for I will be

write

back

here.