The Irreversible Girlfriend

Beast was a female so she knew everything, especially the things boys don’t know, like feelings.

He wants to f**k a muslim girl?! I will cut his dick off and mummify it into a d***o. I don’t need him and his cheating a*s! I just want his c**k!

The barstool got a funny feeling, like something was wrong.

“Travis,” the barstool said.

“What?” Travis replied.

“I don’t know, but I think something is wrong.”

“There’s always something wrong.”

“No, this is worse.”

“S**t, what did I do?”

“You piss off any girls lately?”

“Probably! How the hell can I not?”

“My premonition says one wants revenge.”

“Revenge on me?! Girls are f*****g crazy!”

“Yeah dude, and I think they agree.”

“F**k me.”

“Should I gather up the town and start a posse comitatus? We love you and don’t want to lose you. Especially not the owner of the tavern. You keep him in business.”

“I just want a glass of wine. I’m sick of fighting. It’s always drama! It’s bullshit. I don’t even talk to girls anymore. They talk to me! I just want to drink alone. Ain’t this a hole in the wall?!”

“But dude,” said the barstool, “you’re really hot and fuckable.”

“It’s a curse. Girls constantly objectify me. I’m a real person. Can’t I just be a guy?”

“You’ve never acted like you were a real person!”

“I just want beer and bowling. I’m a European redneck. The irony is hilarious.”

I’ll find him at a bowling alley, thought Beauty. He stands no chance against these tits. 

“Dude,” the barstool said, “I got another bad feeling. I think something is going to happen to you. Something bad.”

“Nothing ever happens to me.”

“Dude, I dunno.”

“Bring it on!”

“Dude, not this thing. It’s bad. And pointy.”

“Can’t be worse than my ex.”

“I think it’s your next ex.”

“My next ex?! That sounds like the most fucked up woman ever?!”

“I think she’ll be a beauty.”

“Why me?”

“You’re a hot guy. Girls love you.”

“F**k me.”