The Most Painful Memories

I could write forever about this...

The one person that I never had to question concerning their love for me
is gone.
The love that wouldn't come from good grades and sports accomplishments.
It wasn't about pride,
or expectations.
We were binded together by blood,
and we stayed close with care.
We never showed it.
We didn't have to.
We had so many years ahead.
That precious source of love collects dust below my television.
It sits there, in a box and a frame,
holding what's most dear to me.
It's cold.
It's small.
It's not what I remember...
It hurts,
to walk past the small memorial of your care,
to see that in reality, you aren't there.
I remember that soft belly,
and gray beard full of what we had for dinner.
The cocked eyes,
and missing arm.
The tattoos you flaunted,
and the smell of cigarettes.
Unflattering?
No, comforting, happy, normal.
I remember everything I can.
I remember giving up opportunities to see you to hangout with friends or just stay at home.
The hour drive just seemed so pointless
because you were supposed to be around to see my graduation,
my wedding,
my children,
my life.
I did common everyday things instead of seeing you in what became your lasts weeks of life.
I was selfish.
I can't stop thinking it's my fault, because I didn't see you.
I didn't go!
I was never ever ashamed to be with you,
those were the moments I loved the most.
Your bickering with mom.
It was a family moment that other people would find unusual.
I miss you.
You made mistakes,
the worst mistakes.
IT KILLED YOU.
I'm sooo angry with you!
You ruined your life! You stupid unthoughtful piece of s**t!
I don't mean it...
I'm angry.
You left me.
With the crazy unhappy side of life.
I hate this. I hate walking past your stupid gold box.
COME. BACK.
No, you can't can you?
You can't do anything from that stupid box your burned up in.
I hate this.
You've driven me to the point where I can't be happy without thinking about you.
I have the scariest dreams of the most vivid memories,
I don't want to keep sleeping to drowning in your ashes,
the remanders of you.
IT SUCKS OKAY.
Everything sucks because you're dead!
Nothing can replace the emptiness.
The literal PAIN aching inside my chest.
The only good thing that came of this,
is that you brought me closer to beliefs.
Every time I know you'd be proud or happy,
I think you know that its happening.
I think you still exist.
I pray to God, despite my doubtful beliefs, that you're really in touch with me.
You've brought me closer to God.
That's so much.
I pray that you're in heaven, but with those mistakes, I know your eternally burning.
You killed your best friend.
Awful.
I'm tired of sucking this in at night.
I don't want to keep this open.
It's time for closure.
It's time for me to start believing.
I can't let your lack of presence stop me from believing anymore.
There has to be something more...
It hurts...I don't hurt for nothing...
I miss all of this.
I'm angry.
I'm crashing into a sea of despair.
Go away, stop me from drowning.
Just please please, keep your pride.
I am here, working for you to love me,
even though I know it's not necessary for me to do that at all.
Please, help me get through this God.

I love you, Grandpa.
Love, your favorite granddaughter.

P.s. I miss you.



R.I.P.
Dennis "Lefty" Gray
5/9/08 1:36p.m.
I know you're gone, but don't ever leave me.

Author's Note

I plan on better editing this later and fixing mistakes, but I can't bear to look at it right now.

Reviews

[Christine]

Wow, wow. Deep, meaningful. Good.