Like This

Her first kiss is when she's 18, and it's nothing like she ever dreamed of. Actually, she tries not to think about it at all, tries to pretend it didn't happen, can't believe she wasted it like that.

It starts like this:
Her hands pressed to a firm chest, his arms around her waist, smiling eyes locked together, a sense of safety, and finally a kiss.
And "It" is a dream.
Madeline's never been kissed like that in her entire life, but she dreams about it, idealizes it, when she's 12, waiting for a prince or a knight or at least someone in a cape. When she's fourteen, waiting for the boy sitting in front of her, laughing with his friends, to turn around and notice her.
When she's 15 and 17 and she's still waiting, except now she's not sure anymore for what, or why, or if it's ever going to happen.
Her first kiss is when she's 18, and it's nothing like she ever dreamed of. Actually, she tries not to think about it at all, tries to pretend it didn't happen, because she couldn't have wasted her first kiss like that, it doesn't even count really.

The kiss happens like this:
"What exactly are we doing?" Madeline's voice is breathless, a little laughing, a little daring. It's muffled by the shoulder her face is buried in, and followed by a giggle.
"I... uh, don't know..." followed by a little gasp because Madeline's hands are rubbing at the hips her arms are wrapped around.  "Um... you should be careful where you put your knee..."
"I know exactly where my knee is." It comes out bold, but the sharp burst of laughter that follows it betrays it. Her heart is strangely quiet in her chest but her head is spinning, and her partner keeps responding to her touches with moans and gasps that have to be put on. No way anyone can be that turned on just laying wrapped around each other like this.
"Oh..." breathless again. And giggling. And for a few moments, Madeline's hands are everywhere, and there's sounds, and then belatedly, when they've been doing this for quite a while:
"Oh! We should kiss!" Madeline sits up, all puppyish enthusiasm. There's no clashing teeth or nose bumping or anything. A perfectly normal kiss. Madeline's too fast, overwhelmed and giggling, practically 'eating face'. She pulls away, unworried... (kissing seems unimportant when her hands have already found their way down skinny jeans) "How was that for a first kiss?"
The girl grimaces a bit and wipes her mouth.
It's not at all like Madeline expected.

But this is getting out of order.
She's taught about love and sex like this:
1. "A stiff dick has no conscience. Men are all after one thing."
2. She's 8 and bored and her mom hands her a romance novel. She reads them religiously all through puberty.
3. When she gets her period she's told this: "Sex hurts. It's going to suck the first time no matter what. So find someone you feel safe with, who can wrap his arms around you and make the world go away. A guy who's your best friend."

In high-school these are her best friends:
1. Lindsay, since kindergarten. Lindsay is touchy feely, loud and quirky, should never be given sugar. She's wears glasses and has a crush on the Jonas Brothers, laughs full bodied and snorts like a dork, and calls Maddy "My sanity". They finish each others' sentences and their song is "My Dirty Little Secret". She doesn't understand the concept of personal space, a space cadet with brown hair all down her back.
(Maddy reads romance novels about best friends falling in love, and falls in love with the song "My best friends hot.")
2. Jessica, who's blond and coy and Maddy hated on sight, but eventually learned to put up with. Jessica has worse self esteem than Maddy herself, and will probably sleep with anything that looks like it has a c**k. She's pouty and wants to have 2.5 kids right out of high-school. She lost her virginity at 15, and had even kissed a girl once.
(Jessica introduced her to yaoi, and they have the same taste in boys, and can talk about sex the way Maddy would never talk with Lindsay.)

This happens:
1. "Are you a lesbian?"
For a moment she sits still, shocked. Most people would have gotten angry and yelled at the question, but Maddy doesn't know this. "Why do you ask?" She very carefully pastes a knowing, teasing smile on her face.
"You always hang out with girls."
Maddy gives him a look, biting a french fry and trying to look cool. "So. I'm a girl. Isn't that natural?"
"Shouldn't you have a boyfriend or something?"
"Is that any of your business?" she tries to quirk an eyebrow. "Trust me." she smiles secretive and flicks her eyes at a few males. "I like boys."

2. She's at school, in math, and Lindsay tells her:
"Mary's asked me where "My girlfriend" went. She thinks you're my girlfriend." she doesn't look as horrified as Maddy would expect her to, but then again, Mary's a b***h.
Maddy laughs, snorts really. "Why does she think that?" grinning at her friend.
"Because we hang out so much together."
Maddy shrugs, rolling her eyes. "Okay, so what?"

3. She's in the kitchen helping her mother cook:
"Hell, I wouldn't even date Jessica if i were a lesbian."
"Good, i don't like her. Who would you date then?"
"I don't know, someone like Lindsay probably."
"She's a nice girl."
"Convincing her it was okay to have lesbian sex would require me tying her to the bed and breaking out the bondage gear." the thought sends a thrill through her stomach.

4. She's 17 and it takes a girl named Breezy to show her she likes girls. Breezy has short hair and deep eyes and a lip ring and makes Maddy's stomach flip. When she first sees her, Breezy's standing chest to chest with her girlfriend, and the girlfriend has her fingers looped in Breezy's belt-loops. They're smiling at each other, close enough to kiss, and Maddy thinks they're cute. Jessica knows them, and says hi, and later Maddy chats with Breezy and buys her lunch. Maddy never sees her after that, but feels like she should thank her for the epiphany.

5. Maddy and Jessica are at the mall, and Maddy has to tell someone, someone or she'll burst. She's sitting across from Jess, and she can't say it, they're in the food-court for one, she can't just blurt it out, so she writes it down.
"I er, have a confession." she says, flushing when the group at the table behind her goes quiet to listen.
She passed her the note, and that was that. They spent the rest of the time talking about it.
"Nah, sorry, you're not really my type." She's laughed at Jess, because Jess wouldn't care. "You're too much like my sister." She'd clarified. "It'd be weird."
"What is your type then?"
"Ah.... more dorky.... like Lindsay."

Jessica is everything Maddy doesn't like in a person and most of the time she wonders why they're friends.
A. Jessica and Lindsay have a falling out.
B. The three go to the mall and Jessica b*****s that Maddy doesn't spend enough time with her.
C. Jessica has kissed girls. Jessica has had crushes on girls. (Who looked like boys.)
D. Jessica freaks any time Maddy goes someplace with Lindsay.
E. "I just hate the thought of you two together."

And then this:
1. Maddy's fantasy had changed, somehow. It had started with her on a mans lap. He was big, strong, protective, so kind and gently and patient and experienced. To her sitting on her bed, next to her best friend.
"I, er, I like you." She would blurt out, flushing and horrified, and somehow, they'd kiss anyway, and neither one of them had ever dated before, or kissed before so it was tentative, lips just barely brushing, and maybe noses bumping, and eyes open. Her lips would tingle, and one of them would push the other back into the pillows, and they spent an eternity kissing, and confessing, and it was rosey and bright and everything.

2. "I, er, have something important to tell you."
"Can't you tell me over the phone?"
"No!"
Lindsay is a bit of a hermit. She spends all her time at home instead of wanting to hang out with her friends. Maddy doesn't want to think that maybe Lindsay just doesn't want to hang out with her. She waits until they're alone at Maddy's house and has no idea how to tell her, with Lindsay right there, on her bed, like her fantasy.
She ends up play charades... two fingers, and then a motion cleaning representing sex. It takes Lindsay forever to get it. "You're bisexual!?" her voice is too loud, but not nearly as shocked as Maddy expected, and abruptly her gaze shifts from wide eyed to understanding. Maddy, who's expecting everything from outright "I can't be your friend anymore" to simple "But that's wrong and disgusting!", is surprised when Lindsay is okay with it. Completely nonjudgmental. "As long as you don't have a crush on me." And Maddy quirks a smile. "Of course not!" And practically runs from the room in the guise of getting Popsicles.

3.Maddy doesn't understand her anymore. Strange expressions and weird silences.
A. Maddy buys her a shirt she wants.
B. "You know what i mean, sometimes you just want to hang out with one person." Lindsay says, somehow meaningful.
C. "I thought you'd think it was disgusting." "It's not a sin if you think about it, only if you do it." "So you don't think I'll do it?" "I know you. You're like me." a pause and hand waving. "You'll find your knight in shining armor one day." "Have i ever told you i used to dream of being a knight in shining armor?"
D. Lindsay's at her house, throws a leg over her shoulder and lays back on her bed, making Maddy swallow thickly, wondering. Her mom comes to the door and Lindsay scrambles away.
E. Lindsay wakes her up by laying on her, and then consents to be used as a teddy until Maddy wakes up.  

4. "Do you think she likes me? I mean, she was practically sitting in my lap, but..."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Or else she's being a tease."
Her mother says not to get her hopes up, the Lindsay is religious, and she doesn't want to see her hurt. Her mom is a dash of reality "You don't want to hide your relationship" and Maddy wants to hate her for it. Her mother says not to listen to Jessica, because Jessica is jealous.
"She's right, i am jealous. I can't explain it, I'm not..."
"You shouldn't be. I mean, if you liked me like that I'd date you." her stomach is empty when she says it, hollowed out.
Maddy is holding back tears when she calls Lindsay, and leaves a voice-mail (Why doesn't she ever f*****g answer the phone!?). "Hey, I've got something important to tell you, can you please come over tomorrow?"
Lindsay never calls or shows, but Jessica is there, and Maddy's mom isn't, and somehow, they're on the bed.

5. "So you coming to hang out tomorrow?" Maddy's smirking.
"Uh, sure... but i think we should keep things as uh... cool as possible."
"... um?" There's a long silence. "D-did i do something wrong?" she sounds like a bad movie.
"No! It's not anything you did! You were fantastic, really... I just don't think I'm that into girls."
Silence and then Maddy's voice turns cold. "You probably could have mentioned that before i got you off."

Finally: An empty knot of betrayal settles in her stomach and:
1. Lindsay on the phone: "So what did you two do yesterday?"
2. Lindsay is all over her when they go swimming, and her mom smiles, flashing her eyes approvingly. "So she's going to be my daughter in law?"
3. Lindsay and her barely talk, Lindsay has weird moods, Lindsay looks at her strangely.
4. Lindsay has no sense of boundaries, shares a bed when they sleep over, looks edible in her pajama shorts. 
5. Lindsay stops answering her calls.

It ends likes this: Maddy doesn't have a fantasy about her first kiss anymore, feels dirty and hollow and achy when she thinks about Jessica. She dials Lindsay's number, and mumbles into the answering machine "Sorry. I miss you." before hanging up. `

Author's Note

Please ignore spelling and grammar errors, i've checked this a million times over but every time i do i get distracted revising and reorganizing... It's pretty raw, and the style is nothing I've ever tried before, so i hope i can get some good reviews.

Reviews

[Paula Tsurara]

I really like this. It was like jumping into the middle of someone's life, like sitting a table and overhearing others talking, knowing you shouldn't listen, but doing it anyway. Fantastic.