Just venting

Had a fight with my boyfriend and just needed to vent so I vented to god

God why?
Why do I do this?
I know he's so close to leaving every time I piss him off and I mess up.
Why do I do this?
Why do I constantly feel like something is going to happen and he will leave me. Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough? Why do I feel as tho he doesn't talk to me abut thing but he talks to his friends more about stuff. Am I not a friend? Someone he can come to to talk to about things. You know I have feelings too. And I can't talk about them because he doesn't let me. I wish I could just not do the things I do to piss him off. I really do love him. I don't want to lose him. I just wish he could see that. I always tell myself don't do that because it will piss him off. But f**k u little guy on my shoulder I'm gunna listen to the damn devil on the other side. Because god for bid he can play with ur mind and control it very well if you don't watch out. He can make u do very bad things. I'm not a good person anymore. All this time I hoped to have a man that never hurt me. Yet I was wrong but I forgave him and loved him still. Yet I'll always feel like something will happen because I've been hurt badly. God why can't I just be happy with him and believe him and trust him to the maxx. How can someone live with me when I can't even live with myself knowing I f**k up a lot and am always messing up and pushing him away even more. God just why? Why is all I'll ever be asking. And will I ever know. Who knows? But I don't know how much longer I can hang on knowing I'm pushing him away each time I mess up. I'm not perfect but I know I do one hell of a good job being the best girlfriend I can be. And if that's not enough then Im not sure what is. But all I know is is that I love him as much as I can. And I know I live him more than myself because I don't want to see him get hurt because I know what hurt feels like and it just hurts even worse every time it happens. I just want to know why. I really trust him. But how can you trust a person with your heart knowing they hurt you and you have hurt them in the past and expect them to trust you with their heart. I love him and I always will. I hope soon I'll know why but til
Then I'll just wait and wait til I find out why this happens. Well there you go god. I vented as much as I could. I hope a miracle will come and take away anything that will push him away even more. I just don't want to lose him. But if he's supposed to go then I can't stop him. If he wants to leave me because I mess up and I'm not perfect then I'll just have to let him go. No matter how much the pain hurts.

Author's Note

Just needed to vent