The Night Train

Active on the rails,

speeding along,

swishing back and forth

as the body emanates

a glow and a shutter.

A deep hum bouncing off the barriers,

passer-bys hunch over

as their long hair is thrust

across their pale faces,

but they do not move.

They do not move so they may later say

that they stood near

as the Night Train went by.

The black train that's not really there

with the glowing bodies showing through the window,

it clicks along the tracks as it makes its way to nowhere.

The train will never stop for the passer-bys,

and will only be seen for a minute,

but the crowds still gather

and stand in wait,

simply so they may say that they were near

as the Night Train went by. 

Reviews

[Trigorin]

Not bad. This has a solemn quality to it which fits with the subject matter, but some of your imagery is a little off, it seems, and you seem to spend a bit too much time repeating yourself and going over the same ideas. This is a good start but it could still use a bit of work.

[Fish]

Hah thank you but it's exactly as I want it to be :)
I wanted it to be repetitive, but thank you.