Insatiable

Once a love is lost, it is hard to love again.

Your life is my reason

for living.

Without you, I am but

flesh and

broken bones that hurt

and shake

beneath my thin skin.

And you

with the breaking heart,

take me

and squeeze my lungs

until they,

are forever stolen from

poor me.

Though it hurts so bad

to see,

my face crumble in my

reflection,

I breathe against the glass,

so cold

against my numb fingertips.

I haven't

felt your touch in so long,

that life,

in itself, is no longer felt.

I want

to find a set of lungs that

breathe

and no matter how bad the

heartbreak,

never let me die so cold.

To love,

again and again in your

sweetness,

and to only remember you

in every

softly spoken graze of breath,

is a love,

that will never exist again

for it is,

beyond my heart and beyond,

my numb

fingers that grasp with an

insatiable

longing to retrieve my stolen,

and broken,

lungs.

Author's Note

My first love was when I was really little. I think one of the reasons why it was such a memorable time was because this love was definitely real. I remember feeling my breath get caught in my chest whenever I saw her. She was very unique too and always made me feel so incredibly happy. Even when I was made fun of by the other kids, she would always stick by me and tell me that there's nothing wrong with me. She would get upset sometimes too when the other kids would call me names and yell at them. We were inseparable. She moved away once preschool was over, but we kept in touch for two years before we lost contact. During that year, I fell in love with another girl and had my first kiss and while so many good and bad things were happening to me, she passed away in April of that year. I didn't find out until September. I was absolutely heartbroken. I had many friends either move away or simply stop talking to me once summer came around, so hearing that I had permanently lost her brought both sadness and a lack of love. I began to realize that I wasn't receiving a whole lot of love from my mother and many problems began to bloom. Nine years later, now a junior in high school, I have had one girlfriend and two boyfriends. Both of those boyfriends cheated on me and the one girlfriend found more interesting people to talk to. She texted me a few weeks ago saying that she missed me, but we've been mutual since the sixth grade. Never once did I truly feel the way that I did for that little girl from preschool with the cute summer dresses and snap-on white light-up shoes. It's amazing how much time has passed and yet I still feel her presence in my heart. I still miss her a lot. Hopefully, I will find someone who can make my heart flutter again but until then, I will continue to remember her and smile.