A Hug.

a simple poem i wrote my gf on our 8 months anniversary.

Bright and lovely as the sun,

They flickered and my head spun,

Her hair tied up in a knot,

And my heart lay undone.

 

She walked up to me in a trot,

Thoughts and senses in a clot,

Her arms reaching; a request made,

And refuse her I could not.

 

There we stood in the shade,

Green trees upon us swayed,

In each other’s arms we hurled,

A feeling more precious than jade;

 

The branches sung, the ground twirled,

Everything around us danced and swirled,

We stood tall as always, together curled,

My sun and stars, and my world. 

Author's Note

general notes aimed to help improve the writing.

Reviews

[Lord of the Kings]

nice and good poem. it has got a good rhythm and works along your thoughts. the only improvement I see you can make is making the breaking points. when you break the rhythm of writing , either you should do it in every para or none.

[Kittenpoems]

absolutely. I just didn't know what to do with the last paragraph, since the 3rd line of each previous one set the rhyme for the next. I saw a similar style in Robert Frost's "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening" in which he did break the rhythm in the last paragraph by repeating the sentence twice. I thought it'd work here too if i did something similarish, maybe not though.

[Lord of the Kings]

hmm maybe you are right about the Frost thing it is unnoticeable while reading. its fluency is not effected much.