Addicted

Something I started before I went cold turkey....ironically enough, finishing a poem is a lot harder without the aid of alcohol. Came back to this a few months later because I didn't like the ending.

From bed to the bar it's not far to the floor,
See I'm skint to my bones but I'll stay for one more,
Leave reason behind, drag myself through the door,
Still sick from the nights I've been drinking before;
Still distant, lonely, peace I adore,
But the weed doesn't help and my body's a w***e for the feeling,
Stealing glimpses of freedom, weaning myself off the concept of meaning
But needing support cause my problems are breeding;
I'm reaching for reasons to carry on breathing, I'll pray that the legions of fears are receding,
But hope is elusive and joy is so fleeting,
So me and the booze always crave our next meeting so strongly,
I'll wrongly assume that this comfort is belonging,
I'll breathe in the fumes and forget all that's wrong within my head,
I guess it's better than being dead but it's still not a life;
So existing on the fence is my finest self-defence against the gathering confusion in my mind,
That's why I've never felt a part of f*****g anything;
All my connections are assembled from imported parts that don't quite fit together but still pass enough of a current to maintain a semblance of normal human function,
Even a faint mockery of happiness at the best of times,
But I suppose that's what you get once you realise that you're just another sad product of the existential rape that we refer to as 'Life',
The thing we're told to cherish and enjoy but which I've only ever seemed to endure,
I'm not entirely sure at what point I realised I wanted out but I've been certain for a very long time that I'd already be dead if the choice was really mine,
And if you told me a year ago that I'd still be here today then I'd have called you a liar and swore I didn't want to stay,
I'd love to speak to you of growth and joy and hope but nothing changed,
I'm still chained and so deranged,
Nothing changed,
I'm still strangled by my veins,
Nothing changed,
Nothing changed,
And I don't think it ever will.