Climb

General reflective self-pitying stuff

I need a distraction to stop me from rambling,
Talk more to myself than I do to my family,
And my mental health still appears to be random,
In spite of the pills and I working in tandem to conquer this mountain,
I know at the top I will not find a fountain of youth
But I might find myself a little closer to the truth,
So I'll drag myself upwards, mere inches at a time;
These filthy fingernails cracked and coated in the grime
Of all the boulders that I shoulder slowly towards a finish line which I haven't even seen yet, and could be made up in my mind,
But this desperate belief that there's relief over that rise,
Is sometimes all I have to cling to in this world that isn't mine,
Without the hope that there's a better place, secluded and divine,
This fraying rope would change it's purpose cause I'd have no need to climb,
So I will plaster a smile onto this tired and weary face
Though I can't feel the emotions I can tell where I would place them if I did,
I'm f*****g sick of being nothing more than comedy to each and all the people who pretend to hold me close into their hearts,
But I cannot demand a care or love which I can barely imitate,
Expecting an affection which I never could reciprocate,
Despite the quiet whine of loneliness that's risen to a chorus lately,
Nightmares whisper tales of failed resurgence,
Amplified by the emergence of these rashes on my skin and by the growing sense of urgency with which I count my sins,
I'm always halfway gone before the time that I begin because I'm concious of the creeping rot that's spreading from within,
The slow decay of all my muscles, see my arms are getting thin but still don't entertain the thought of going back into the gym,
Because I'm weak, and I've surrendered,
Because the words I boldly speak won't be remembered when I'm gone,
I can't contend with all the long and dragging nights,
Lights off for 6 but I'll sleep for 1;
I've laid the bricks but the builder's gone,
So now I cower in this hollow mockery of a shelter,
Droplets of miserable reality seeping past these walls of fantasy like sickening sunlight through the cracks in this vampire's coffin,
And they burn
And they blind
And I never used to mind but time has taught me that the roof I needed was those I've left behind
I am a lie, and I tell myself repeatedly; encaptured by the rapture of a person that's deceased in me
But recently the words haven't come to mind so easily,
While trying to be kind I find that I've become a beast; all these reminders that I'm holding myself back from where I need to be,
They lacerate my skin and seep within to settle deep and breed insidious regret for every year I spent submerged in weed and sweat
So this is me, devoid of dreams, without desire to be anything but dead,
You think you understand but I suggest you help your friends instead.