What Am I Missing?

I'm so confused and lonely but I don't know how to be anything else.

It's going to hurt
And I will watch it,
Helpless,
Shaking at the knees,
Because my lonely heart convinced me
That you were everything I need
I'm stupid,
So f*****g stupid,
To let it happen again
But I don't know any different
Because nothing has ever worked in the past
I just want to be a part of this game that everybody seems to play around me
I want to feel all of these things that people cherish and desire and write songs about
I want to know what is wrong with me and why I can't just do better, be better,
But I'm not even sure I know what 'better' is,
And I'm not even sure if I want to.
I'm just exhausted at feeling so alone,
I want to be held,
I want to be loved
I want to be made to feel like my existence is important because that feeling is one which I just can't fabricate for myself,
And i know this sounds 'weak' and 'effeminate' or even 'the wrong way round'
But I don't give a s**t,
I know what I need and i will not be ashamed of my DIY attempts at filling these holes in my soul because I'm not the one who put them there in the first place,
I know people laugh at me,
And why would they not? Why would it not be funny to someone who finds it so simple, to watch someone as clueless as myself flailing around in the dark to try to fix himself?
I would probably be laughing too.
But what people can't understand is how deep these cracks run into my brittle frame,
I don't just desire sex like some kind of misguided pornography addict,
I don't just crave the intensity of skin against skin,
I crave the gentle touch of soul upon soul,
I don't just want the clumsy, rushed motions of two naked animals reaching for the same pleasure,
I know those feelings, i have felt those sensations,
And they mean nothing anymore.
I want to feel my spirit intertwined with another,
I want the comfort, I want the care,
I want to be shown what it is that makes us so drawn to the idea of love and I want to submerge myself in it,
Because I am so truly, deeply tired of watching the beauty of the world play out around me without feeling like it ever touches me,
I just don't know how to be different
I don't know what is wrong with me
I want to be so much more than I am, so much happier and so much stronger and so much more worthwhile.
I just don't know how.