One Day

Affairs from the heart

I've never experienced true happiness. What I thought was happiness turned out to be misery in disguise. Over and over.. I'm swallowed up by misery like an unwavering tsunami in Vietnam. People look at me and say "..wow, she's strong, she's able to handle anything life throws at her". The ignorance! You tell yourselves this to pardon any wrong being done to me. How dare you assume such a thing? I'm not strong. In fact, I'm as brittle as a finger nail on an iron deficient human being. Life's picked and picked at me for as long as I am able to remember but I keep it all bottled inside because I'm no good at expressing myself. Tons of words form in my head but I can never recite them out loud. It's too difficult and no one would understand. I've been hurt by everyone I've met, friends, family, you name it. And of course as it is probably so obvious, relationships are not my strong suit. I always love more, care more, give more in terms of emotions. The lengths I'm willing to go for people, I never get in return.
Why did God have to make me this way?
Why do I care so much?
Hurt so much?
Love so much?
Why am I always someone's first choice or second choice?
Who wants to go through life knowing that they're a "choice" at all?
I'm a hopeless romantic and it sucks. I still believe in love even after love has failed me over and over again. My tears go unnoticed by God every night. Unanswered questions swarm my cerebrum but I always try to maintain a flawless public facade.
- What am I doing wrong? I know I'm not the most beautiful, or the smartest but I'm the one that remains true and honest, I'm the one that would go the extra 10 miles, I'm the one with the biggest, sweetest and purest heart but it all goes unnoticed. And that's where my world shatters.
Do these qualities matter anymore? How do I change? How do I become callous?INSECURITIES. Overtime I've been made to feel insecure about my once over-confident self. I can't compare to these "supermodel types" they obviously seem to adore. All I have to offer is my beautiful soul, love and kindness. I always think to myself "..one day I hope..".
- One day I hope someone chooses me and only me
- One day I hope people realize how much their actions have impacted my life for the worse
- One day I hope I no longer have to cry myself to sleep at night
- One day I hope I receive the same love I keep trying to give
- One day I hope to find true love and date with the purpose of marriage and not have to worry about cheating or lies or heartache
- One day I hope to have my life together and to not be this broken insecure girl I am today
- One day I hope I get to finally say I'm done with hoping..

Author's Note

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