TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

       

    In your dismay you cried,
    "Look, I've been bit!"
    "You play with serpents.
    You, the charmer charmed."
    Distressed you wept till,
    flailing in a fit,
    the shock set in.
    At that I grew alarmed.
    I'm scouting trained.
    My friendship I can prove.
    I lanced your wound
    and sucked and spat
    and sucked and spat again,
    the deadly poison to remove.
    I saved your life,
    so why do I feel fucked?
    And even then I thought,
    I can't ignore I risk this venom
    getting in my veins.
    And what's in this for me
    for all my pains?
    And haven't we done
    just this thing before?
    I watch you limping back
    to find that snake.
    How often must we make
    the same mistake?

 

 

Reviews

[justjenn_2u]

This poem signifies loyalty on your part! The stronger vessel.

[Misa]

Hah, l like the subject choice, first of all.
There are a few things about this that could use a little work, mainly on clarity and the rhythm for one or two parts. regarding the clarity issue, the reason l say that is this: it's obvious the narrator is dissatisfied with the state of his friendship, but the question is why - does the other character not do things for him?
Has he gotten sick from the venom before, and had no help or sympathy or acknowledgment from the cause - his friend - of the illness? If you can add a line regarding that in, just to resolve it a bit, l think it might round the poem out a little.
as for the rhythm, l found the 2/6 rhyme scheme interesting, although it was a little weak at one point - the lines
"I can't ignore I risk this venom
getting in my veins.
And what's in this for me
for all my pains?
And haven't we done " dont' add up properly.
ie from the start of the peom it went on a 2/6 rhythm. first rhyme was second line with 6th line, then 10 and 14. Following this pattern, it should be line 18 - ending in venom - rhyming with the 22nd line, which ends in done. Now if you stretch it a little, l can conceivably see those two rhyming - vaguely - but the problem is you also have lines 19 and 21 (veins and pains) rhyming, whch throws it off.

Anyway, all l would suggest is see if you can rework the rhythm of that particular section, perhaps keep the veins/pains rhym but "try" and fit the line count.
however, rhyming is by no means everything in a poem, so go with what works.

as for the content of the poem, l found it quite intriguing - l wouldn't have suggested using the word f**k, as to me it makes the poem come off vulgar, but l can see why you might wish to.

Good start :)