Lost In Graces

Scatter me across the sky,

Piece by piece to wander near.

But not for thy sainted eye,

No longer may thou rest here.

 

Two streets baptised in hell fire

Met upon this that doth insist,

To tear apart anguished desire,

For nothing more my soul hath missed.

 

Bleed me, anger and fail none

With that much stronger bind,

To sacrifice this internal sun

And in its haste ne’er find.

 

Lost in graces since impaired

By all within of broad protest,

None once met hath e'en compared,

For all shall burn when in contest.

Author's Note

Got bored whilst watching some old show. Please, point out mistakes or suggestions.

Reviews

[Stephen Scaggs]

Dear Writer,

Pointed to you by a friend named Tate Morgan, I am both happy and humbled to see that there is people better than me. I love your use of old English and your consistency throughout the message. In relative to inspiration to a poem, I often find myself writing when there is nothing else to do. I had to pull out a dictionary to look up a quarter of the words used just to clarify definitions (so I had to break apart your poem to get a more concise meaning.) As I do have a passion for this, I also do have a passion for short poetry and prose.

Time, Patience, and Practice are the mentors for a writers who are both novice and writers (like you) who have surpassed the mentor-ship of teachers. I sense though you did great here, you've have a level you're nearing to, that you need to tap into. As a writer, my goal isn't to be famous. It's not to make myself happy or others happy. It's simply what keeps me pushing from A to B. Though I never was taught how to write poetry, I am truly humbled by your poem. I need to get to work so I can be a better writer! Thanks for the inspiration! I rate you at a 9.5/10, because you can improve, aside from the fact that you are a talented writer now. :P

S. W. Scaggs

[Frantzuu]

I can't believe this only got 85 views. c'mon people. This piece is stunning, it's great, you get so much energy reading this. wow just wow. You did a fantastic job with this. :D

[kayla garcia]

thats good

[kayla garcia]

it's good

[BriAnna Wyble]

you are a very talented writer! i love this

[Tommy]

I like the diction you used to flow this piece. I truly love the third stanza, It stands out to me, like the anguish that leads to fury, which is sometimes known to feed our desires during trying times. I will pass on to you something I heard by a friend, "Try not to leave the rest of us behind here. I simply can't believe how amazing this is!"
Keep up the good work my friend!
RLG,
Tommy

[Simple_mee]

Great job. Reading some classics at the moment so am already in the flow, this one has deepened my love for the old wonderful language...

[cest la vie]

Poet Brit,
trying out a bit of Olde English.. you are trying new things and that is what writing is all about.. I have yet to work up the courage for a romance write.. You did a great job here with this piece..:-)

[An owl on the moon]

Your words create a world, taking me into the feelings of times passages and days when language conveyed more of a sense of emotion and beauty. What you've done here is move us to a deeper place... one that transcends time and space. Stunningly beautiful.

[Constance-Outspoken]

The use of the classical style of language will be lost on many readers, I dare say. Which is unfortunate, since you've mastered that voice here.
My favorite stanza:"Bleed me, anger and fail none..."
For some reason the last seems to lose flow at the end. I think the word burnt is too blunt and forceful as one says it aloud, and I think the line before could use another syllable for meter's sake.
Perhaps something like this:

Lost in graces since impaired
By all within of broad protest
None once met hath e'en compared
For all become ash in contest

Or somesuch... I don't intend to rewrite your beautiful poem, just giving you somewhere to start with the few little fixes you could use to make it grand. Please do come up with your own words to replace or add in.

It's definitely a piece worth working with, honing into a masterpiece. Lovely, elegant, emotive thoughts. Thank you very much for sharing.